(Closed) MOH not holding bridal shower?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
3951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My shower was formally hosted by my Mother-In-Law and mom, with my cousin helping out (really good party planner).

It was simple and low-cost. The venue was my parent’s house, and the only expenses were food (fruit, cupcakes, sandwiches) and drinks (water, lemonade, soda). We had a couple low-cost games (one only required notecards or slips of paper; the other involved supplies my Mother-In-Law got from dollar store/goodwill).

I know you’re not supposed to ask for a shower, but could you talk to your mom to host it at her house and offer to cover any costs on your own? It can be small and fun without spending much at all.

Post # 32
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

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sallysueinblue :  help put your own bridal shower together since your girls can care less. My 1 bridesmaid my Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t help at all they just showed up. I had great help from my sister-in-law  who was another brides maid and my two mother-in-laws  put everything’ together and i ended up with a beautiful bridal shower! 

Team work makes the bridal shower happen. 

I was hoping all my girls would organize my bridal shower without me asking, but that didn’t happen. So I know how you’re  feeling! 

Post # 33
Member
13567 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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elizabethbride :  Bridal showers  may be the “norm” if you are using that word to mean “common”  but that still doesn’t make them an entitlement.

For all those suggesting that the OP pay her Maid/Matron of Honor or her mother to throw her a shower, aside from being disingenous and dishonest, it also makes a mockery of the sentiments involved. That is a horrible thing to do to your closest friends. 

One of the worst things about this situation was the nerve the OP’s mother had to speak to the bridal party about hosting.  She was presumptuous and totally out of line to put pressure on them like that. 

Post # 34
Member
4964 posts
Honey bee

If budget is an issue can’t people just come together and have it a potluck style of very simple things? Such as:

  • 2 boxes of Betty Crocker cake mix and 2 tubs of frosting plus paper liners costs about $15?
  • A  couple of bags of mixed salad, croutons and salad dressing…About $25?
  • Frozen garlic bread, several boxes…about $12?
  • A bag each of meatballs and chicken wings at costco…how much? I have no idea
  • Pasta salad (mayo, relish, shredded carrots and boiled eggs) Perhaps about $25?
  • Mixed fruit salad-banana, grapes, apples, strawberries…about $30?

My numbers might be off but I’m sure it’s somewhere around this price. I can’t imagine between your family and friends they couldn’t come up with this amount.

Post # 35
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Back in the olden days when I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my then BF, I was made to feel like a failure because I could not throw a shower for her. I lived with my mom and she didn’t allow me to have it there, and I couldn’t afford a hall. 

The MOG and her daughter, another bridesmaid, did mostly all the work for the shower and held it in the MOG’s home. The other 2 bridesmaids did nothing, one didn’t even show. I offered a lunch of some kind for us, the bride acted insulted, saying she deserved a shower, not a lame lunch. I felt pretty lousy, the best I could think of was, if it was a deal breaker she should not have asked me to be Maid/Matron of Honor, as she knew my situation.

Post # 36
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

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weddingmaven :  I’m giving the bride ideas based in reality not some etiquette guide from the 1700s or wherever it came from.  What may be faux pas to you may very well not be a big effing deal to someone else.  Only she is in the position to judge what will work best for her because she knows her family and her circle of friends.  We’re a bunch of internet strangers and honeslty if someone wants to clutch pearls over a pot luck they need to get a life. Truth of the matter is we don’t know what constitutes a financial burden to her mother so we can’t even assume she can afford to host cake.  

 

Post # 37
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee

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cassiegirl :  Totally agree. Women in my circle are asking “when are you having your shower?? we want to give you gifts!”. If I were to throw my own, I doubt they would suddenly say “how dare you throw your own shower. it sounds like you just want gifts!”. Why is is perfectly acceptable to throw a birthday party for yourself, but not a bridal shower? They both imply gifts.

Post # 38
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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weddingmaven :  “For all those suggesting that the OP pay her Maid/Matron of Honor or her mother to throw her a shower, aside from being disingenous and dishonest, it also makes a mockery of the sentiments involved.”

Dishonest? To who? Her guests? who gives a crap. And a “mockery of the sentiments involved”? Like what does that even mean.

I do agree with you that the OPs mom was way out of line tho contact her bridal party about the situation.

Post # 39
Member
13567 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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ktsteimel :  It mocks the fact that a shower is supposed to be given by people who are moved by actual feeling and sentiment to throw one. Faking it makes the whole premise a sham. 

Post # 40
Member
13567 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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cassiegirl :  I disagree. When you talk about guests being asked to spend time, effort, and money to provide food and drink on an event that they had no say in planning, and on top of that they  are also expected to buy a gift, that is a imposition in the here and now. 

If everyone is asked to bring food, the expectation obviously well beyond cake. 

Post # 41
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You can ask your mother for help with the shower or you can worry about the etiquette police and not have the party that you obviously want. I would let the pearl clutchers clutch, since throwing your own shower neither inconveniences nor hurts a soul.

Post # 43
Member
7912 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The gifts you might receive at a shower you hosted for yourself cannot offset the side-eye you may receive for the rest of your life for doing so. 

Showers are optional. If your ‘maids, other friends or family members (your BMs aren’t the only people who can host a shower) don’t wish to host a shower for you then you don’t have a shower. It’s not the end of the world. 

Post # 44
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

you’re BMs suck. not because they aren’t giving you one, but for avoiding inquiries about it. Talk to mom, and anyone else asking, your bridal party isn’t throwing you one, but that doesn’t mean someone else cant host a very casual gathering, wink. wink.

you just cant throw your own. that’s just bad form. 

Post # 45
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

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weddingmaven :  I’m not sure what you disagree with since I made three points and your statement didn’t counter anything I said.  In any event, people can certainly decide they don’t want to come if they feel they are being imposed upon.  And I was suggesting that her aunts bring something, not everyone else, but that’s neither here nor there and I didn’t make that entirely clear.

 

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