Post # 76
Daisy_Mae : The guests at the shower are not going to be impacted one bit by who throws the shower. The way that they are going to be treated is literally going to be the same whether a friend or the mother of the bride or the bride herself throws the shower. They are going there for food, fun, friends, and to celebrate the bride. And they’ll get that no matter who throws the shower.
And your point about etiquette being about how we treat each other is wrong. Etiquette is about what people think is the “right” way to behave. However the rules haven’t kept up with modern times and therein lies the mismatch.
Post # 77
franklymydearidont : You missed my point. It is not about the guest experience. It was not even about throwing one’s own shower as crass as that would be.
It was about fake hosts and how they might feel to be put in that position. A bride paying her friends under the table to host her a shower IS a horrible way to treat them.
It makes a mockery of the purpose, which is that others are moved voluntarily to do something nice for you. Otherwise, why not just hire BMs and a MOH from central casting while she’s at it?
It risks making them feel badly that they couldn’t or didn’t step up, themselves, but should have. The bride is using the friendship for her own purposes and for appearances.
There is no entitlement to a shower. I don’t think caring about people’s feelings is ridiculous.
Post # 78
sallysueinblue : this might be a regional thing (Long Island, NY) but no MOH or bridal party I’ve ever known has hosted the bridal shower. The mother of the bride has always taken on all shower responsibilities with some input from friends. Same for baby showers.
Post # 79
weddingmaven : Well, it sounds like OP’s mom would like OP to have a shower, she just can’t afford it. I’m not going to assume what OP’s mom can or can’t afford–throwing a cake and punch shower can be beyond the means of some. In which case you have a situation where the OP’s mom is going to feel bad no matter what. Clearly OP’s mom would have been moved to throw one if she could afford it, but she can’t, so she’s jut going to feel bad about that now.
I still don’t see the harm in the OP helping her mom throw the shower. OP’s mom is going to feel bad either way, but at least if there is a shower then she might enjoy herself at the party instead of feeling terrible that there was no party, and the rest of the guests won’t notice.
Post # 80
sallysueinblue : I’m from an American family that expects the MOH/bridesmaids to throw the shower as well. So I understand your family expecting there to be one. I’m still picking my bridesmaids so I’m not close to a point in which there would be a shower but here’s what I thought of if this happens to me… If my MOH/bridesmaids can’t afford to host a shower and my family is pressuring me to have one I will first mention it to my mom and see if she wants to host or help in some way. I won’t ask her to do so I’ll just mention the situtaion. If she doesn’t or can’t I plan to help my bridesmaids financially afford it. I would say I’d help them plan it but the girls I’m going to be asking enjoy planning those sorts of things. By helping them I’d either literally give them some money towards it or pay for other wedding related things for them so that they can use that money on the shower. I also know of a few fire houses that I could get for a small donation because my fiance and I have connections to some firefighters and EMTs
Post # 81
sallysueinblue : It sounds like your mom really wants you to have a shower but can’t afford it. I’m sorry. If it were me, I would help out financially and help my mom plan but have my mom “host” and MC the shower.
Post # 82
Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. My mom has been the sole breadwinner of the house since I was little so it definitely would be a burden for her to throw a shower, long story short. My mom contacted a close cousin who immediately said she’d throw one for me. I don’t think any of my bridesmaids are going to attend. They asked me about dates for a bachelorette party so I’m just going to look forward to that with them. I guess part of the frustration is that they originally said they had plans for both events and I had family members planning around that, so we’ve had to rearrange a bit. But, I would rather keep my friendships than loose them over something so petty.