Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2009 - Cathedral of the Sacred Heart & The Jefferson Hotel
I’m sorry if this is long, but any and all help/advice would realy be appreciated!!
I have been engaged since February, and am still just under a year out from the big day, however in the begining I think I made a big mistake.. I asked the girls I wanted to be in the wedding party right away. At the time I wanted my sorority big sister to be my moh, but she was living out of state, so against my better judgement I went ahead and asked my college roommate.She is one of my best friends, and I knew it would mean a lot to her. At the time she was thrilled, she seemed so excited, but as time has gone on things have changed. Recently she has become very busy. And I know its not fair for me to ask her to drop everything in her life for my wedding related things, but I can’t help feeling like she isn’t being a very good friend to me lately either. I can’t get her to respond to my personal emails or phone calls within the same week, nevermind the wedding related ones. She also bailed on me about 30 minutes before my first dress shopping appointment, which I realize doesn’t sound like a huge deal now, but at the time it left me pretty hysterical and alone in a bridal shop for the first time. I know she is busy, and I still love her to death, but I can’t help but thinking that this is a big deal for me, and I really need someone who can be there and help me as I plan this wedding. My family is out of state, as are some of the other maids, so I am really depending on the local girls and I thought she understood that.
On top of all of this, the girl I originally wanted to ask has now moved back into the area, and has been with me every step of the way! For everything she has done, I feel like she deserves the title of moh, even though I know she will happily continue to do everything she can with out.
Am I crazy to want to ask my current moh to step down and just be a bridesmaid? Or am I just being bratty here? Also, I am afraid the other girl will feel like second place moh if I do ask her, or it will make things akward for everyone!
Please help!! I just don’t know what to do!
Post # 3
I am not a fan of titles… Especially when moments like these pop up.
I know both girls mean a lot to you, and both represent parts of your life that they were significant. Maybe you should just use the term bridesmaid for now.
I don’t ever like the idea of demoting friends from one title to the other. Because then the wedding becomes more of a tool or weapon. Not that I am saying that is the case for you at all- actually I am sure it’s not. I just wouldn’t want your friend to feel demoted… But who knows what is going on with your friend who has been somewhat flakey. It’s the holiday season, people are juggling a lot right now. We are in rough times economically. Try to be there for one another, supportive no matter how distant a friend may be because maybe this is just a phase and she is juggling various stressors you aren’t aware of.
I would just say to your maid of honor you are just going to call everyone your attendant/bridesmaid because everyone is important to you. And you don’t want to single one person out over the other. That way you don’t feel you are constantly promoting/demoting a friend over this in the upcoming year of planning. But you are also honoring each of your friends on your important day by having them by your side.
I hope I was semi helpful. GL!
Post # 4
I don’t know…I think you have to leave the situation as-is or risk losing a friend. If you explain to the current Maid/Matron of Honor why you want to switch, she will see it as – so what I missed one shopping trip?! – and now you’re the bad friend. AND a bridezilla (not that you are, of course, I’m just playing devil’s advocate, I guess). It’s unfortunate that the titles are important – if I were you I would just keep things as is, and find a special and private way to recognize the friend who has really stepped up.
Post # 5
That’s a tough one. I have to agree with the other posts and leave it alone. If not, you’ll have to deal with upsetting the Maid/Matron of Honor who really may be very busy and who knoww, she may feel bad about missing some appointments. Have you had a heart to heart with her? And then you have to deal with asking your Bridesmaid or Best Man to now be Maid/Matron of Honor which she may feel is a bit too much title. I don’t know your friends or their personalities so I’m just guessing here. I think the best bet is to stick to your original decision otherwise, you may be opening up a can of worms and whole lot of hurt feelings.
Post # 6
I agree – don’t demote your Maid/Matron of Honor. Trust me, the drama that you’ll cause doing that will feel MUCH worse than your current anxiety.
My Maid/Matron of Honor is my cousin, who lives out of state. When I asked her to play that role for me, I knew that she wouldn’t be able to help much at all. For me, I wanted to honor my love for her by having her in that position, even though I have other friends who are closer and more helpful to me. You’re lucky that your sorority big sister moved back, because now you can do all of the bride/bridesmaid stuff with her. She won’t feel slighted – I’m sure she’ll be excited to help you out!
I know first-hand how hard it is to regret a bridal party decision, but you can’t second-guess yourself. You’ll just make yourself miserable and run the risk of some mega-dramz.
Post # 7
i agree with the above. either just leave it alone or call everyone a bm. you still have a year left… what if your "new" moh can no longer carry through with all the responsibility for whatever reason, will you re-shuffle again? i guess i think giving a title of moh because someone is more able to shoulder wedding responsibilities ignores the entirety of a friendship. and it sounds like titles aren’t too important to your friend and would be there for you regardless. you can give her a special gift and tell her how much she means to you.
Post # 8
Have you thought of co-MOH’s? That’s what my sister says she wished she had done. It wouldn’t really even offend your other friend to be asked late I would guess, b/c you can explain that you had originally wanted to ask her but she was out of state. I wouldn’t probably demote your other friend, sounds like maybe she’s never done this before or something. But I also agree with the other posters, I don’t really think the title is what matters. Still, if you feel like it would honor her beter to call her your Maid/Matron of Honor, you might consider having two.
Post # 9
I agree with fixicsGirl (oh, and how I love that name). My fiance has two really good friends – one has been his friend longer and one is like more of a brother – so he is having two best men. The programs will list the special role that each has had in his life. Because there are two bestmen, they have split responsibilities (party planning mostly, lol). I think that even if you tell your current Maid/Matron of Honor that you are going to call everyone Bridesmaid or Best Man, she’ll still be a bit upset. I’d tell her that I understand she is busy and to help her with her responsibilities, you’ve named a co-MOH who will help her with all you are going to be asking of them.
Post # 10
Depending on the size of your wedding party I think the best option would be to just make the pseudo Maid/Matron of Honor and actual Maid/Matron of Honor and just have two. I have been to multiple weddings where this was the case and see nothing wrong with honoring 2 friends instead of just one. This way you will not hurt the feelings of the original Maid/Matron of Honor, but can still show homage to the person you really wanted in the first place.
If you have a really small wedding party and it seems silly to have two MOHs then I think you should privately honor the friend who has stepped up recently.