Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t been any help. She didn’t help with the bachelorette party, my other BMs planned it and she was just as surprised as I was because she didn’t assist them with the planning. She just sorta showed up. She didn’t join us to shop for dresses. She never asks about the wedding details nor has she helped with any projects. My other girls have been fantastic. And here is the biggest let down…. She lives with me in my spare bedroom rent free!!!!! I would think she would be the first to help but she just walks past me busting my ass and shuts herself in her room. How can she be under the same roof and be so uninvolved with the wedding subjects?! Two of my girls are out if town along with cousins/ parents/ILs/ basically everyone. I have no one to turn to for help with planning and my other two girls are so sweet and are working so hard, but this one girl who isn’t helping is the one who is being honored! We’ve been friends since we were 10 and always said we would be each others Maid/Matron of Honor.
Am I being immature for wanting to be her Maid/Matron of Honor in the future only to treat her the same way as she is treaing me? Give her a taste of her own medicine?
Post # 3
@mrsberry2011: Are you still hanging out as friends?
Have you had a friendly catch up recently? Could something be going on in her life that’s making her act this way?
It seems strange that she would be so uninterested, especially since you live together.
Have you been talking only about the wedding recently? I can see how maybe since you live together she’s a bit on wedding overload and might feel she lost you as a friend?
While you may be upset now, it might be a little vindictive to hope to be her Maid/Matron of Honor just to “give her a taste of her own medicine.”
Post # 4
Hmm. Can I ask why she’s living in your spare bedroom rent free? Is it because she’s unemployed or going through an otherwise difficult time? If so, that could possibly explain her not taking a bigger role in the planning. Or maybe the fact that she lives with you is making her tired of being immeresd in wedding planning, whereas your more distant BMs can be excited about it, since they’re not living right on top of the wedding planning. Just a couple of possible explanations…I could be wrong! In any case, if I were you I’d very gently ask her if everything’s ok.
Post # 5
No I never speak to her about the wedding because from the moment I got engaged/propsed to her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, she’s been very weird. And I’ve been on the bee so I know not to overload anyone bc no one will care like I do. The only one I talk to constantly is my SO. Plus she is rarely home and when she is, she shuts herself in her room. I never bring up wedding stuff to my helpful two, they ask me and one day they read a FB status about how overwhelmed I feel with my life and showed up at my door with scissors and a hot glue gun lol! I try not to throw my wedding in any of my friends faces bc all of them are single or guy problems
Post # 6
Sounds like this girl needs to be downgraded. And the fact that she doesn’t talk about your wedding or try to help, could she be jealous? She doesn’t need to be stressing you out, she’s suppose to be the biggest help bc she is Maid/Matron of Honor. If she’s going through something in her life, she needs to communicate with you, shutting herself in her room is not helping the situation. I’m sorry your going through this.
Post # 7
“Am I being immature for wanting to be her Maid/Matron of Honor in the future only to treat her the same way as she is treaing me?”
Yes. I understand that you are hurt, but this payback stuff is just mean spirited.
Post # 8
Just remember: As tempting as paybacks may seem, karma will always bite you in the butt in the end. Be the better person. Don’t do it.
Post # 9
I asked my other bff (one of the helpful ones) about downgrading my current Maid/Matron of Honor and upgrading her to Maid/Matron of Honor, but she fears that it will cause tension between the three of us. She states that she doesn’t need a fancy title to know that I appreciate her. And she’s not being stressing me out, just hurting my feelings. I’m always so involved in her life and I’m allowing her and her children to pile up in my two bedroom apt but she seems so uninterested in my life. We rarely hang out anymore, and when we do, we’re going on and on about her life. I don’t ask for her help because she is not my wedding planner, but it would be nice if she at least ASK about my progress if she’s not gonna help. I didn’t need to be told to help my BFF of 14.5 yrs. When she had baby showers I was all in the mix with EVERYTHING. I’m even the god mother to her youngest. I’m just hurt
Post # 10
I can understand why you are disappointed in her lack of attention, but it sounds like she’s having a difficult time with your wedding.
I had a single friend (who was a MOH-type) who had a similar problem. It manifested itself more after the wedding – where she felt like she was being replaced and my wedding just highlighted her own insecurities abou being single.
I’d encourage you to have a talk with your friend and tell her that it’s been hurting you that she seems disinterested. Take the initiative to ask her to join you to do some wedding related event (vs. her initiating).
Post # 11
I’m just fed up with our one sided friendship. I came to the conclusion that I would just turn down any offers of Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m tired of being the bigger person. Our whole lives I have been the bigger person, but at the same time I don’t wanna be mean, so since I couldn’t bring my self to be a better Maid/Matron of Honor, I just won’t be one at all
Post # 12
No- two wrongs dont make a right. If i was you i would be the best Maid/Matron of Honor still and let her subconcious feel guilty. Or your other option is after the wedding withdrawl from her a bit. She might realize how she has acted when you’re not so available!
Post # 13
Please do NOT downgrade her and upgrade someone else. That’s a very rude thing to do and will only result in more drama and hurt feelings. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is not required to help you with anything. Does it suck that she doesn’t want to be involved – absolutely! But she doesn’t have to throw you parties, go dress shopping, help with the planning, etc. If you need help with something, ask your Fiance – afterall it’s his wedding too!
I don’t think you have a Maid/Matron of Honor problem, I think you have a friend problem. You should sit down with her and discuss how you feel. Does she ask you about non-wedding related things? Tell her you’re hurt you don’t spend much time together and feel like you are drifting apart. I wouldn’t mention anything about the wedding.
Post # 14
@RunsWithBears: Agreed. My friend is getting marreid this year and I’m her Maid/Matron of Honor but TBH I’m doing minimal work on the wedding anymore! Why?? I turned into her psuedo wedding planner and the same reasons above! The ONLY thing this girl talks to me about is her wedding. That’d great that she’s excited and all but there is no talk of my life aside from the 2 minutes of convo I can get in before she starts blabbing about what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing for her bach/shower! Its just flat out annoying! Those things are not required of me as a bridal party member- they are a gift. One which I was happy to give but now don’t want to because the meaning is lost. I’ve stopped offering help and instead give it when I am asked.
Take the time to reconnect with your friend with no mention of the wedding and I’ll almost guarantee that she’ll warm up to you and the wedding! Good luck OP
Post # 15
Like i said before i dont bring up the wedding to her because for one, she’s never here, and two from her lack of initial excitement, i can take a hint. you dont have to down play my happiness but once for me to never share again. I only bring it up when im asked by my other BMs that dont live with me. My Maid/Matron of Honor talks to me about everything, BUT my wedding. Like i said, she doesnt have to help, the other BMs are great help. Its just the lack of interest is hurtful. it not that she not interested enough, she shows NO interest, like there was never any wedding going on that she is supposed to be in. everyday she comes home at 8pm and goes to bed. by that time, im in bed so trust me when i say, she is NEVER here long enough for me to get a word in about my wedding for me to be annoying her.
I agree with PP that it may be a personal issue with her AND a friend issue. I remember when i got my first car, i was so excited and couldnt wait for her to see it. she never, ever, ever asked about it and was never home where i could show her, but a week later, she rushed to get a car and i offered to go with her, i asked for pics of the car. showed genuine interest.
Post # 16
I am wondering if she feels that all you talk about is the wedding and that maybe she can’t escape it at all with you living there? I can see how it can become more like a chore and less like fun for her?
Perhaps pop in a movie and open a bottle of wine and try to do some projects with her? I would have much more incentive to do crafts if there was wine, chocolate and girly movies to supplement it!