- Expat Bride
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
So I’m in a bit of a jam now. I asked a woman who has been my friend for 12 years, through ups and down, good relationships, very bad relationships, and finally the perfect one. I’ve always imagined that she would be there to stand by me when I finally got married and so when I got engaged I asked her right away.
This is where the problems start. My MoH is an incredibly complicated person who suffers from depression and has been in a vicious cycle of a relationship with a man that she enables to keep coming back and then disappearing again for months at a time. It has been going on for more than 5 years now. Because of her emotional ups and downs she’s incredibly sensitive to anything that happens and I’ve often born the brunt of her downs. it is ok because she is an incredibly giving person, thoughtful and kind. But so sensitive that the slightest thing can set her off.
The last 6 months have seen a couple of blow-ups between us already. I live in another country and don’t get home very often. This Thanksgiving I came home for less than a week and my time was, unfortunately, filled up with family obligation. When MoH and I went dress shopping she was a wreck and incredibly upset when I said that I couldn’t spend as much time with her as she wanted that day. She had planned a full day of activities when I had already explicitly said that I only had about 4 hours to spend solo with her because of family commitments. I invited her to share Thanksgiving with my family so we could spend more time together but she declined. The dress shopping experience was mostly filled with negative comments on her part when whatever I tried on didn’t fit her vision for the dress. And she made it very clear that she was incredibly hurt that I didn’t want to do everything she had planned. So as happy as I was to see her, it was also really stressful for me to see her so upset. As well intentioned as all of her help and advice and efforts are, in some ways it feels like she is living out her own dreams through my wedding. And so if I don’t like something she says she becomes very hurt. So I ended up spending more time worrying about how I could make her feel better than actually enjoying any of the things we did.
Then just this week we were talking about the wedding. We had a great talk and then she said that the infamous 5-year man had reappeared and she thought things were changing, and that if they were together she wanted to bring him to the wedding.
I stuttered and said that she could if there was room. For the record we are having a pretty small wedding, less than 90 people, mostly famiy and long time family friends. When I put together the guest list she was not with anyone. This guy was not back in the picture and she had said she was moving on. I admit that I hadn’t talked to her about whether she could bring a guest but there never seemed to be a time when there wasn’t something going that she was upset about. Fiance and I had agreed that guests (and bridal party members) who weren’t with someone at least 6 months prior to the wedding would be invited solo.
She got really quiet and said she found it incredibly offensive that at her age (she’s 40) she wouldn’t be invited with a date. And then stated that she would come but she was very hurt that I thought so little of her.
I’m at a loss! I don’t think little of her, I’ve tried to communicate that all I want is for her to be happy and to enjoy the day, and that if she really wants to bring him no matter what I would make it happen but I feel like I’m getting blackmailed. And to be honest, after the way this guy has treated her over the years I don’t really want to spend my wedding dinner/reception having to talk to him.
I really don’t want all this drama and I feel like I’ve made a mistake asking her to be my MoH and even a bridesmaid. What do I do? If I ask her to step down that will be the end of our friendship, I’m sure of it. But I wonder if that’s not happening already…
Any advice Bees?