(Closed) MoH Problems – I need advice! (VERY LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

You have to do what’s right for you. If you don’t want this guy at the wedding, don’t let her bring him and don’t let her push you around by implying you don’t care about her. I don’t see anything irreparable in your post so I would give it some time before you make a decision to end a friendship. It really sounds to me that you care about her a lot and tensions are running high because you’re both stressed.

Post # 4
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Expat Bride: I’m curious about where you live, since we’re in similar situations 🙂

As for your friend, as much as your feelings are hurt, maybe you should reconsider this.  I know a lot of brides make exceptions for people in their wedding party.  She, likely, will be putting out a lot of money for your wedding and helping you with a lot of stuff (from the sounds of it).

It really seems like the worst she’s done is being sad that she doesn’t get to see you often.  I know it’s hard to spend more time with her, I’m in the same situation and I usually only get home once a year.  But maybe this could be an offering to let her know even if you don’t get to see her or talk to her enough, that you do still care.

That’s my two cents though.  Really, it’s your call.

Post # 5
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think your Maid/Matron of Honor is insecure and is sensitive to rejection.. and it might actually seem to her that you are pushing her away, since you had no time to spend with her, do not want to make exceptions for her even though she is a very good friend of many years etc. Of course, it is not your fault that you have no say no, but as you said, she has been through a lot in life and she have been hurt in ways that make her sensitive to certain things.

Maybe it might help if you have a sit down with her, tell her that despite everything, you really value her and that everything that she had done does mean a lot to you … except that your hands are tied. If her friendship is important to you, I think it won’t hurt to make the effort. 🙂 🙂

 

Post # 6
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know you disagree with your friend’s choice of mate, but it is her life and unfortunately you can’t make the decissions for her.  It sucks when friends are in a toxic environment and don’t see it, but I don’t think you handled the situation very well.

You knew she was on and off with this guy for quite a long time, so I don’t think you are too suprized they are back toghether and undermining this relationship, even if you totally disaprove, is thinking little of her and especially her relationship. 

You want her to stand up with you for your relationship but you want to refuse her her relationship and that would make anyone feel bad.

If you want her to stand with you you should most definitely let her bring her b/f.  You will not have to spend your reception/party talking to him as I had less than 50 people at my wedding and I didn’t spend the reception/party talking to one person, nor do I feel that I got to spend enough time with even one person, so don’t dramatize.

There are far better ways to help your friend instead of trying to ban her b/f, which really isn’t helping her at all but will push her to him even more.  Instead, tell her you want her to be happy in her relationship and that you want it t work out and suggest they go to counceling so they get a fresh start.  Ask her what she wants out of a realtionship and if she gets all thoes things from the guy.  But in the end it is her choice.

 

Post # 8
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Here’s what I think: let her take him. It’s only one more person and she’s your maid of honour! Saves you all the trouble and drama. So what if he’s an asshol*? She’s old enough to take care of herself.

Post # 10
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Expat Bride: Yup, I’m in the middle east.  Also getting married in Canada.

Post # 11
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am so sorry about your troubles.

You speak about how she enables this man to treat her badly.  I am sorry to say but reading how you worded things, I would say you are doing exactly the same.  It seems you have given her one chance after another, after another, after another after….  and are allowing her to get away with it.  You say how it’s YOU that worries about upsetting her.  Does she ever worry about doing that to you? I doubt it.

Have you ever confronted her about her attitude and neediness towards you?  I’ve had a similar situation with a family member which I discussed on here as well, so am empathatic towards your plight as well.  Some people love drama, and as much as you care for someone, you can’t sacrifice your mental and emotional wellbeing on being their crutch.

Post # 12
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I know it’s hurtful and confusing when friends are not exactly there for you like you want for your wedding. (Just wanted to add that) Since the wedding is a not for some time now I would  just say sure he can come if that is what you want, you ever know if they will be together by the time of your wedding and during the wedding honest every bride I have talk to says everything goes by so fast that no matter how small the wedding is you never get a chance to spend time with all the people at the reception you want and some after the wedding you don’t even remember being their or if you spoke to them. So you prob won’t see him much you will be with your new hubby, center of attention to all your family more than anything, he will just be in the background. Try not to stress or be hurt by her feelings she prob just need support at the wedding to maintain if she is depressed, not having any man there for her at all on your day prob means social suicide to her, but I am just guessing.  I have no room to give advice to much for I had the upmost worst experiance of my life with my Maid/Matron of Honor and friend of 18-19 years. Needless to say she was fired from Maid/Matron of Honor and we are no longer friends. I would say your situation seems far from what I expericanced but I also thought the same thing in the beginning when things started to slower become about her. Good luck and I hope for the best outcome for you. 

Post # 13
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’d let the part of her spending only 4 hours with you slide. Sounds like she just wanted to spend time with you and was disappointed she couldn’t. While you did invite her for thanksgiving, I’m sure she probably had her own family to be with for the day. I go home once a year so I know where you are coming from, and it’s frustrating how little time I have with my friends, especially because family time does come first. However, it was my choice to move abroad, so my friends are not at fault for us not having a regular friendship. Try not to get too defensive and be thankful that she cares about you enough to want to spend more time with you. 

As for the semi-bf situation…I don’t really know what I would do. I’m having an 80 person wedding, but my close friends get a plus one because I want them to have a good time. I guess I’d be honest with her that you are not really a fan of him, and maybe ask her to bring a different guest? It’s a tough situation I’ll admit. 

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