(Closed) MOH problems- please help (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do
    Leave M as MOH : (1 votes)
    6 %
    Ask K to step in : (6 votes)
    38 %
    You're being bridezilla, leave M alone : (6 votes)
    38 %
    Other.. : (3 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    3552 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I voted other because there is no ‘you’re both in the wrong’ option. You are right that she does not get to decide what is important to your wedding and it sucks that she won’t help you invite people you want there for your wedding events. However from what it sounds like, you both have different expectations for what a Maid/Matron of Honor should be doing. I think you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Her reaction about you getting mad sounds like she probably feels like you are being really demanding. You should go over your expectations for her for the rest of the planning and see if she is willing to meet them or if you are willing to change your expectations. If neither of you are willing to give, then I would think about changing MOHs.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2715 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I will agree that asking to be Maid/Matron of Honor is rude, but you said yes, so now you are stuck.  Asking someone to step down or demoting them is rude and a friendship ending move. Honestly, I don’t think she has done anything to warrent being demoted.  I think her attitude is a reflection of your attitude and expectations.

    She doesn’t have to go to dress fittings.  Nor does she have to help with invites, favors, or any other wedding projects. She also isn’t responsible for getting addresses for you.  It sucks that you asked and she fell through, but ultimately it’s your responsibilty.

    If you are making her feel guilty or complaining that she hasn’t done any of those things you listed, then I can understand why she’s throwing your bachelorette in your face.  She might be feeling unappreciated, and while her response might be immature, her feelings might be valid.  I’d be pissed if I was trying to throw a bride a nice bachelorette and all she did was complain that I haven’t helped out with other projects.

    As far as the shower goes, did M offer to help?  If not, then it’s not fair for your mom to expect her to help out.  Your mom can ask, but if M can’t or doesn’t want to help, that’s ok and you cannot hold it against M.  I agree that it’s pretty crappy of her not to pass the list on to your mom, but once again, if your mom is the hostess, then your mom needs to make sure that everyone is invited.

    Honestly, I think you need to sit down with M and discuss your expectations.  It’s clear you are not on the same page.  It’s perfectly ok to ask M to help with stuff, but if she can’t, then it’s unfair for you to hold it against her.  Remember, you ask people to be your BMs because they are your nearest and dearest, not because of what they can do for you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2715 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @kbee27:  Oh, well that changes everything.  That is really crappy of her to tell you that she’ll do all these things and be there and then bail.  I think you do have every right to be upset and I don’t blame you.  Has she always been this flakey?

    At this point, you can try talking to her, but if she’s always been flakey I doubt it will change anything. =(  It might just be easier to assume she won’t help.

    I still wouldn’t ask her to step down, since that usually never ends well (unless you don’t want to be friends any more).  However, you can have 2 MOH’s.  Why not ask K to also be a MOH?

    Post # 9
    Member
    3194 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I have a similar problem with my Maid/Matron of Honor. I picked her because she’s closer to me geographically than my sister, and because she was very enthusiastic at first about my engagement, the wedding etc. Then she got a boyfriend and now is totally apathetic to my plans or needs (and I’m not askin for much!), doesnt respond to my emails, calls or texts and acts like she’s “so busy” all the time when she’s staying 24 hours a day every weekend with her boyfriend. I mean I get the excitement of having a new boyfriend and everything but jeeze. 

    therefore I voted you give her the boot. it’s not worth the hassle. Weddings and marriages unfortunately do weird things to friendships. It’s a transition, and some don’t survive it while others get stronger through it. 

    Just keep swimming. 😉

    Post # 12
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @kbee27:  Ok, after reading through everything I just have to say. I asked one of my best friends to step down from my Maid/Matron of Honor position. She seemed very selfish and we argued constantly because she kept telling me she couldn’t afford the dress for herself (which we haven’t even chosen!). We are only just starting to become friends again.

    Personally I would ask her to step down. You don’t want the added stress of M being your Maid/Matron of Honor when you have K who is ready to take over. Your wedding is one of the biggest days of your life and you don’t want to spend it regretting your decisions.

    I hope this has helped. I now don’t even have my friend who was my original Maid/Matron of Honor in my bridal party at all.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @kbee27:  I know you aren’t going to appreciate hearing this, but this email seems very condesending. 

    Each paragraph is how “she messed up” and how “she’s actually to blame.”  You don’t accept any of the blame yourself. If you are interested in fixing the friendship, you need to humble yourself and take some of that blame.

    You can absolutely explain why you are hurt, but you have to take some of the blame:

    “Regarding the dress fitting and invitations, I feel as though I have been holding your inability to come to those things against you.  This isn’t fair of me, as these aren’t your responsibilities. Yes, I was upset you couldn’t make those things.  However, I was only upset because I was so excited to share those moments with you.”

    This is true, isn’t it?  Presenting it that way without any blame will make her more willing to see your side of it and feel empathy towards you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2715 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @BeachBride2014:  +1

    OP, did you already send it?  Unfortunately it does come off as condescending and you are still only focusing on what she isn’t doing for you.  Though I’m confused now; did you ask her to help with invites/favors/dress fittings and she said she no, she was busy?  Or did you ask for help, she said yes, then bailed?  It makes a big difference.

    It might be better to explain that you are hurt that she keeps bailing.  Tell her you understand if she cannot help, but it’s frustrating and upsetting when she says yes and then consistently bails.  Let her know that you understand your wedding isn’t her #1 priority, but you are excited and you just want share the excitment with her.

    I would also aks her why she doesn’t want to be Maid/Matron of Honor and get specifics.  It could be a communcation issue.  Maybe she feels you are asking for too much help.  I don’t know if this is true, but it might help get to the root of the problem.  Maybe she just has a lot of things going on in her life right now.  Do you ever talk to her about non-wedding stuff?  Ever ask her what’s going on in her life?

    I think you need to take some of the blame if you want to fix the friendship.  Pointing fingers doesn’t do anyone any good.

    You’ll have to let us know if and how she responds.

     

    ETA: Just saw your latest response, glad you sent a clarifying email.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    2515 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    i voted you’re being a bridezilla before i saw your follow up comments. if she volunteered to help with stuff and call people for the shower then you’re not being a bridezilla. she’s in the wrong. she shouldn’t have volunteered and then backed out and she definitely needed to follow through calling those 5 friends for your shower.

    The topic ‘MOH problems- please help (LONG)’ is closed to new replies.

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