Post # 1
I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor in my BFF’s wedding this summer. She is having 2 bridal showers, one with her family and one with her FI’s. With that, I have 2 questions:
1. Am I obligated to get her 2 shower gifts? I already have to purchase the usual Bridesmaid or Best Man items (dress, hair, shoes, bachelorette) will get them a wedding gift and am donating/buying items for another separate event.
2. Do I have to attend both showers? The shower her IL’s are throwing for her will be a 3 hour drive one way for me and I am attending a wedding the night before, which will tack on an extra hour from where the wedding is (we are planning to stay the night since it’s an hour from home and we will be in no state to drive anyway), I would have to take a separate vehicle so that I could leave early the next morning. I already told my BFF that I probably wouldn’t be able to attend because of the above and she seemed pretty cut. I would definitely be able to attend the other shower (even though it’s gonna be on my birthday too).
What does the hive think? Am I being a bad MOH?
Post # 3
It’s totally up to you. If you’re not hosting your def not obligated to attend both showers and I would only buy one shower gift. There’s really no reason you’d need to attend both.
Post # 4
I would definately try to make both Bridal showers, but if you are unable to i would the Bride would understand as you had prior arrangements. She also needs to understand that you are dedicating alot of time and money and that its not always practical to make everything.. But with the gifts, no i would not feel obligated to get two different gifts. I would maybe get two smaller items, that go together? But one or the other.
If you cant make the family shower, maybe send her some flowers saying IOU, have a great day!
Post # 5
@silverwings: If you can’t go you can’t go it’s not like you’re not going cause you “don’t feel like it” she should be understanding. You don’t have to get her two shower gifts IMO
Post # 6
@silverwings: I don’t expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to be at both showers nor do I expect a gift from her (at all.)
If your friend expects you to be there, then she may be shocked/disappointed when you can’t make it. I would tell her up front as soon as you can that you won’t be able to make the second shower.
If she demands that you be at both or is bitchy about not getting a gift from you, then she is being a zilla.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2017 - Baton Rouge, LA
I personally would make it to all wedding activities. You’re friend is only getting married once, and you’re the top friend shes asked to be a part of it. Also, I would skip out on a wedding gift. Do a joint gift with the whole bridal party to give at one shower, and something just from you at the other.
Post # 8
@theEguarantee: + 1
I completely agree. As Maid/Matron of Honor I would do my best to be at all activities. She clearly thinks a lot of you to make you Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 9
I think one shower and one gift is fine. You have a pretty good excuse to miss the second shower. Plus, there’s the bachelorette party and 3 parties is a lot to ask of you.
Personally, if I had to pay for my own bridesmaid dress/shoes/makeup/hair and go to a shower and a bachelorette, I would be giving a very small wedding gift.
Post # 10
@silverwings: First:M I don’t think you’re being a bad Maid/Matron of Honor. I think you’re being a person, and all of us people have our own thoughts, feelings, needs, etc. and we try to make them work together as best we can.
Currently I am a bride. I am kind of sad that one of my bridesmaids won’t be able to attend my shower, but I understand because it would be expensive for her to travel there and she just finished school and has a lot of loans. I don’t need her to feel sad that I’m sad. It’s just a bummer. But I know that the event will be awesome and lots of people I love will be there! If I were your bride, I would also be willing to work out a compromise- like maybe your person/partner (I don’t think you described them) would be welcome to come to the shower and just chill out and help themself to the food in another room. (Obviously that depends, but maybe there is some other compromise you can figure out) Also, if I were in your position, I might get smaller gifts for the showers (if there’s nothing under $30 on her registry, then get her something personal that you want to get her!) if you buy gifts for all of them.
It might just be important to her for you to be there. If she’s reasonable, she probably knows your financial situation and gets it, no explanation necessary. If she wants an explanation, then tell her. And if she still doesn’t get it, maybe she’s a little carried away right now. I know for myself it’s hard to remember that Fiance and I are more excited about our wedding than everyone else (well maybe except my mom)- as it should be! Sometimes I forget that my BMs are not pouring over wedding stuff for hours on end like me. And that’s okay, we’re just in different roles right now.
Honestly, if I were an Maid/Matron of Honor, I would do my best to be present at all the events. It would be challenging, and I am sure it is challenging for you. But I would also realize that this person clearly chose me as Maid/Matron of Honor because I am pretty f-ing important to her. (granted I don’t know what your relationship is like) 3 hours is a long way, but my way about things is you just do whatever you need to do for loved ones (granted I don’t know what your relationship philosophy is, so you really need to base it on that)
Overall: she’s going to be upset if you can’t be there because she loves you! If you feel bad, maybe talk to her about it and understand it. Maybe she’s just a little disappointed but understands. Maybe she’s hurt and there’s a context for it, like she doesn’t know the ILs and really wants you to be there with her. Either way, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You set your priorities because you only have so many options.
Post # 11
Not terrible at all. Go to the shower you can attend. You may want to offer up some help to her Mom (like get there early to help set up, need anything to pick up etc.) just because I’m assuming you know her. I would get shower gift for the one you can attend, and maybe some snacks for the car tirp to her other shower, again assuming she has to travel for that one too.
I was a Maid/Matron of Honor for my SIL and her mom/aunt did the bridal shower, I got there early and helped to set up, and we stayed late to help her clean up things and get her house back into order.
I was all uptight about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in one of my friends wedding, her Mom and mine were Boyfriend or Best Friend. She was living in VA we lived in PA. I went to 2 engagement parties, one in VA one in PA, 2 showers and hosted the bachelorette party. I took time off from work, spent $250 on a dress, another 100. on the shoes. I went crazy. Don’t do that to yourself. you can only do what you can do. 😀
Post # 12
@silverwings: I don’t think you need to attend both showers nor do I think you need to get her two gifts. While I think it would be lovely of you to attend the 3 hour away one, you have prior committments the night before and that’s enough of a reason for me to not go. I would not want to have to drive that far after a night of celebrating at another’s wedding nor would I expect anyone to drive that far for a 2nd shower when they attended the 1st.
One of my bff’s lives across the country and won’t be attending my bridal shower. I have absolutely no hard feelings towards her ~ she is already traveling for the wedding and I don’t expect a gift from her for anything.
Post # 13
@silverwings: Your friend is being ridiculous (about being “cut” over you not attending the inlaws’ shower). You have a prior commitment and (I’m guessing) had no control over the timing of the shower. Plus it’s a 3 hour drive, she shouldn’t be expecting you to attend anyway. I’m appalled that some Bees are saying you should attend.
We don’t do bridal showers here, but I’d never expect anyone, not even my Maid/Matron of Honor, to travel 3 hours for the bachelorette party, engagement party, or anything else except the actual wedding.
EDIT: You shouldn’t be required to pay for your hair either. If the bride wants pro hair for her bridal party, she should be paying. It sounds like your friend is expecting too much.