Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2014 - Kukahiko Estate
Hi everyone…I have kind of an issue with selecting my Maid/Matron of Honor, I think I have a solution but wanted to know your take. To preface, I have not officially asked anyone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor yet, but have spoken to each person a little about the situation.
I have one potential Bridesmaid or Best Man, let’s call her L. We have been really close friends since high school. Way back then when we would talk about weddings and such (just fantasy basically, not like we were getting married back then) we always said we would be each other’s Maid/Matron of Honor. Fast forward 8 years later and I am engaged. L has a young child (3.5 yrs old), and is a little unstable financially. We are still close. I am planning a destination wedding, and L had said before we decided on our destination that she would do anything to make sure she would be there. A few weeks ago, she came to me concerned that she may not be able to go at all due to financial reasons. And now yesterday she confirms again that she would “do whatever it takes” to get there.
Meanwhile, I also have a friend, call her M. We were roomies in college and are still pretty close too. I would say I actually see M more often that L since L normally has kid related stuff to do (which is totally fine). M is very reliable and is super excited and able to attend our destination wedding.
My issue is that while I have been friends with L for such a long time….I want to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but not Maid/Matron of Honor. While she says that she will do whatever it takes to get there, I want to believe her, but I know her situation and how it just isn’t always possible for her to commit to things. I want to ask M to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, as she is actually guaranteed to be there. I also think that M would be able to be around more often than L to help out with stuff.
I’m planning on just asking L to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and just say I would be more comfortable that way. What I am concerned with if she was the Maid/Matron of Honor, would be that an emergency would come up and last minute she wouldn’t be able to come, and I’d lose my Maid/Matron of Honor. It would be easier if she were just a Bridesmaid or Best Man and the same thing happened. At least I only lost a Bridesmaid or Best Man, not the Maid/Matron of Honor. Of course I want her to come, but I also don’t want her to do something fiscally irresponsible to try and make it to the wedding if something else happens.
Am I making a big deal of nothing? Would you be upset if something like this happened to you?
Post # 3
@penguinbee: Do what I did! I never officially asked anyone to be a Maid/Matron of Honor but I did ask my girls to be BM’s. However I do have one extremely close friend (known her since grade school) and she is like my secret Maid/Matron of Honor. I am giving her an additional gift and have asked her to make a toast at the wedding, she also was the only one in the bridal party that got the dress in the theme color (I wnted turquoise but ended up letter everyone choose their sade of dress). She was never asked to be the Maid/Matron of Honor but was given quiet appreciate for her friendship and help. This kept everyone drama/responsibility free!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - Kukahiko Estate
@Payless: That’s kind of what I was thinking as another option….not having an official Maid/Matron of Honor and just having however many bridesmaids. My Fiance said that he thought that would be weird since he is having a best man.
I guess it depends on how you view what being a Maid/Matron of Honor is….is it really something “different” or is it just a silly title someone made up.
Post # 5
I had a very similar situation. Old friend, not in a stable place in her life vs. newer friend in a much more stable place. I considered many different options… Co-MOHs, Giving older freind Maid/Matron of Honor title as an “honorary title” and having newer friend do all the Maid/Matron of Honor stuff, picking someone complete different to be Maid/Matron of Honor (cousin), etc.
Like you, i was leaning towards asking the newer friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. And ultimately, I did. Let me tell you… It was the BEST decision I could have ever made. Older friend, thankfully wasn’t offended (Although I didn’t address the reasoning behind my choice, I think she probably understands) and my newer friend has been AH-mazing. She helped pick out dresses, was with me when I bought mine, picked mine up, has talked me off many ledges when I was at the end of my rope, helped me with my registry, proofed my invites… I could go on. Older friend, while sweet and interested when need be, hasn’t reached out more than twice. And has only offered to help once. Not that it upsets me. I knew in the beginning that she wasn’t in a stable place. Since I started out with that expectation, I wasn’t disappointed. If I had picked her as my Maid/Matron of Honor, I would have been very disappointed.
Ultimately, you know in your heart what the best decision will be and it shouldn’t necessarily have anything to do with how much you love either girl. Who will help you, keep you sane, support you, keep you calm and happy on your day and the crazy days leading up? I always thought it was silly how stressed out and crazy girls would get. But with less than 90 days to go til my wedding, I completely understand. My Maid/Matron of Honor has been my saving grace.
Post # 6
@penguinbee: I think the idea of having L and M both be BMs and not name anyone the official Maid/Matron of Honor sounds like a good idea. I don’t think it would be too weird not to have an Maid/Matron of Honor even though your Fiance has a best man. I have been to a few weddings where I had no idea who was the Maid/Matron of Honor and who was the bridesmaids, so I think that would go over just fine. It is a tricky situation, though. Good luck as you figure out what to do!
Post # 7
@Payless: That is my suggestions as well!
@penguinbee: I also recommend skipping the title Maid/Matron of Honor and just having bridesmaids. Like Payless suggested, I am not designating a Maid/Matron of Honor, and find this to be the most mature and sensitive solution. I have my two sisters and my best friend as bridesmaids. I was my best friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor in her wedding and would love to return the honor, but I know my family would be offended if I placed a friend over a sister. Furthermore, I am not willing to say one sister matters more than the other. When I looked at it realistically, ranking people I love seemed like a guaranteed way to hurt feelings and, thus, a selfish thing to do. This isn’t myspace and I’m not 12 years old- there is I need to rank my top friends. It seemed imature. My bridal party is equally beloved by me, and no one’s feelings will get hurt if I don’t pick a Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 8
@penguinbee: I had the exact same situation and I did exactly what you’re doing. Granted, my chosen Maid/Matron of Honor ended up getting pregnant a year before the wedding and that has complicated things a little anyway-but as shallow as this sounds, you have to choose your attendants based on how they’re going to handle the day-I have a couple that I (pretty much) had to choose: Ex. FI’s sister. She’s a complete and total mooch with a HUGE jealousy complex and has done all but set my venue on fire.
I guess what I’m trying to say is crap happens and you won’t be able to stop it. If it’s not one girl causing a problem it will be another. However, there’s nothing wrong in trying to select the girls that are able to be there for you in the biggest capacity. FYI I didn’t even ask the other girl who I didn’t think would be able to handle the finances and child care issues, etc. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the stress! Call me awful, but I’m only doing this once-and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it awesome!! :-/
Post # 9
@penguinbee: DH did pick a best man as well, he has a bigger bridal group than I do an also had his best friend be the best man. I will not name a Maid/Matron of Honor but did recognize my one friend in a different, drama free way.