Post # 1
This is my first post and it’s kind of unusual to post here about a personal thing, but I’m sure you can share your insight!
I have two MOH’s and this decision did not come easy, but in the end I feel it was the best choice because both girls are my best friends (we are a trio) and both are students, so I felt that it would ease their burden.
I don’t want to get into too many details, but I feel like I am particularly bending for one Maid/Matron of Honor who is naturally a more demanding person. I find myself always trying to accommodate her schedule (she is a busy grad student) so that she can accompany me on wedding tasks. I know that she is happy for me and wanted nothing more than to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I can’t help shake the feeling that she isn’t willing to be as cooperative as my other BM’s are willing to be.
Some small examples
1. On my engagement party (wasn’t a formal one, but with all of our friends) she tried to back out and go to NYC to see her friend instead. She came, but I let it slide.
2. She basically told me when she is available for a bachelorette (based on her school schedule), to which I acknowledged, even though I have 5 BM’s
3. When I brought up the bachelorette, I expressed my interest in going to Vegas, but said I know she’s a student and wanted to know if it was possible
She said it wasn’t realistic and didn’t say anymore. it just urked me because I know she has plans to do other great travel experiences throughout the year, and I just feel like if she doesn’t go/want to go then it’s like none of the other girls can go.
In a way I can’t have everything rest on her, even though she is my Maid/Matron of Honor and I want her to be there for things. I’m pretty sure we’ll need to have a talk, but how can I let her know that I think she needs to be more considerate of my position as a bride?
Post # 3
She does not have to cancel plans and put her life on hold for you. She is fully entitled to carry on with her travel plans and tell you that she cannot fit a trip to Vegas into her budget. All bachelorettes do not have to involve an out of town trip.
Perhaps you could try looking at her communication in a more positive way. By giving you her availability she was indicating that she wanted to attend.
Post # 4
I think you need to talk to her about what you expect for her as Maid/Matron of Honor. i had to have this talk with my sister…we just needed to communicate what i expected from her and vise versa. as pp stated, no one can put thier life on hold for your wedding….
Good luck! Happy Planning!
Post # 5
Yeah, I see nothing wrong with her behavior. She has a busy schedule and is trying to make sure you are aware of her availability. You said you have 5 BM’s – scheduling conflicts with some things are bound to arise, and there may be events that they can’t all attend.
And if you want her to accompany you on wedding “tasks,” then I think it’s perfectly reasonable that you should accommodate her schedule. If you don’t want to be mindful of her personal schedule, you’re capable of doing your wedding tasks yourself.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice.
I guess my problem is that we’ve been best friends since the beginning of time and I am the least demanding of a bride there can be. But I just wish she’d kind of have a more pleasant attitude sometimes. I feel as though I’m burdening her, and when the time come that she gets married, I KNOW she will want me at her side every moment.
Post # 7
@Spicy Tofu: you guys are friends so just talk to her about your expectations. I promise things will be a little better
Post # 8
the only thing here that i saw as being kind of blow off-y was her trying to bail on the engagement party. but then again, as someone working full-time and going to school and being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding right now, I can understand trying to fit things in when you can. you said the party wasn’t a formal wedding event so i can see how she thought it might be ok for her to miss it.
you (or someone close to you i am guessing) told her it was important she be there, and she was. sounds like you should just try communicating pre-emptively to her the things that are SUPER important for her to help out with/be there for so she can prioritize accordingly.
just out of curiosity, did you float the vegas trip by your other BMs? what was their reaction? do you think that would be financially and logistically (meaning can everyone get time off work/school/other life commitments without major inconvenience) possible for them? her saying “that’s not realistic” says to me that maybe she is considering other factors beyond her budget and time. maybe she is thinking of other BMs?
Post # 9
I haven’t painted the full picture here, and I do understand she is super busy. but like any friendship, she always states how I am her best friend as she is mine, and sometimes I just think there are double standards in her mind. It wasn’t a formal engagement party in the sense that family was there, but all of our closest friends were there and that’s when I actually asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor. She made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal to miss it and that going to visit a friend (whom she makes a lot of time for) was important.
Basically all my BM’s are on board for Vegas, and none of them have told me what time works for them. I have more or less told them when we can go based on my MOH’s schedule. So I feel like her not being able to go or just not wanting to prioritize it will hurt the rest of the trip. I don’t want her to put anything on hold, I just want to know that she is wiling to to try and commit to important things. I was just confused/annoyed because she keeps talking about going other places, i.e. atlantic city, new york, and I feel for us, it’s going to end up the same $$ in the end. I wish she just didn’t shoot it down so fast and say that she didn’t want to discuss it anymore.
Post # 10
@Spicy Tofu: ahhhh, i see what you’re saying. i think you should just convey to her what you just said here:
“I don’t want her to put anything on hold, I just want to know that she is wiling to to try and commit to important things.”
if you’ve never been married before and she’s never been a moh before, this is a new experience for both of you. like all relationships, it takes communication to make it work 🙂
as for the trip to vegas…. if all the other girls are on board and it’s what you want, then i say go for it (vegas is awesome!)… if she can make it she will. when it comes to the bach party, i feel its not fair to expect anyone to travel out of town, no matter how close they are or what role they have in your wedding. it will be a much more fun weekend if everyone there is there of her own free will and not stressing about money.
Post # 11
I don’t see any problem here.
You asked, she told. You interpreted how you interpreted and that’s not to say that’s how she meant it.
If you want to go to Vegas on your stag, and 4 of your Bridesmaid or Best Man want to go… then go but she said it’s not possible (presumably for HERSELF) to go.