(Closed) MOH Speech, what to say when the wedding ruined the friendship

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 18
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with others that you should just say you can’t do the speech. But if that’s really not an option for you, what about keeping it simple with a blessing?

 

I read an Irish one at my friends wedding and it was well received. (it was actually this one):

 

http://www.acelticwedding.com/wedding-blessings/irish-wedding-blessing-i.htm

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 20
Member
6107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

If she really really wants you to give a speech you need to put on your big girl panties, put on a smile, and just keep it short and sweet. Your speech doesn’t have to be you gushing about the bride and your “friendship”. It can be a simple “I’m so honored to share this special day with you and groom. I wish you happiness in your marriage. Congratulations!”. Yeah, it may be fake but it’s better than nothing.

Post # 21
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Orangina2013:  As someone who got dumped by her so called best friend immediately after being my bridesmaid in my wedding (she ended our friendship the next day and all but said she had faked interest in the whole thing) – I have to ask, WHY on earth are you this girl’s MOH???? It sounds like you are about to pull the same move.

IF you make a speech, and you don’t have to, then you say nice things about the couple and wish them well. Period. You don’t have to give everyone an explanation of your history of friendship, that’s all inside joke stuff that no really cares about anyway. Keep it neutral and positive and focused on the couple.

 

Post # 22
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Orangina2013:  When is the wedding? Is it too late to back out? 

 

Edit: I see it is 3 weeks away. I’d say if you feel this strongly, talk to her about it. If it goes well, stick it out. If it doesn’t, let the next person in line get a promotion or just don’t give a speech.

Post # 24
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Orangina2013:  Well it sounds like you’re in too deep now. I think you shold go through with the wedding, give a nice speech and fade out after if thats what you want. DON’T pull what my friend did and point the finger at me after and cut me off. Just fade out, seriously.

Post # 25
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@j_jaye:  Not sure if there’s still time to step down, but there’s some truth to this.  I was in a wedding that completely deteriorated our 18 year friendship.  I stuck it out because I felt like it was the right thing to do, but it definitely wasn’t.  Our friendship is 100% over, and every time I see those wedding photos I cringe.  And they’re not even my wedding photos! 

This is a sucky situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.  If you feel like you have to go through with the wedding, just lay low, give a cordial toast, and be glad when it’s over.

Post # 26
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee

If I were you, I would focus on the entirety of the friendship and give a speech based on that.  It sounds like your BFF has only recently started to act like this ungrateful drama queen, and although it really sucks for you that you’re getting the brunt end of this treatment, it hasn’t ALWAYS been this way.  I don’t know how long you two have been friends, but if you’ve been “biffies” for example say 10 years, then at least 9 of those years has been pretty great between the two of you.  Focus on the years when your friendship was great and what she meant to you then, and write a speech based on that.  Most probably, this ungrateful b*tchiness on her part is only a phase because she has so many changes happening in her life (baby and now wedding) all at once and emotionally she’s not handling it too well.

Additionally, if I were you, I wouldn’t take any comments she makes to me too personally (i.e. weight).  She is most likely projecting her own insecurities and issues with her baby weight out on you, and since you two are so close, you just happen to be in the “shooting range” of her projections.  I would really encourage you to have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and share how you feel and how her behavior is affecting you.  None of us are perfect and when big changes like this occurs, most of us are less than graceful in how we handle it because it’s overwhelming.  For the sake of your friendship, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and have that talk ASAP so that the resentment doesn’t build-up inside of you — which is the #1 killer of all relationships.

Post # 27
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Orangina2013:   You’ve hung in there a long time for your friend. You sound like a wonderful person and it will be her loss definitely.  At 3 weeks away you’ve already invested time and money. Stick it out. Make a gracious speech, with a big smile, simply wishing her a happy life and congratulations.  Look at the wedding as an evening to enjoy yourself, dance and eat.  Have fun. You earned it!

When you drive away after the wedding you can have the satisfied feeling that you did everything appropriately and now you can end your friendship.  

Post # 28
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Orangina2013:  Most of the other PPs have steered you the right way, I think – be gracious, give a toast that focuses on the bride & groom, and then let the friendship (or lack therof) run its course.  I have been in a similar position – was Maid/Matron of Honor for a friend from HS/college who really let her true colors show during the wedding planning process.  I was SO over it – and her – by the time the wedding weekend rolled around, but I prepared and gave a nice toast about how happy I was to see her find her perfect match.  I mentioned basically nothing about our relationship…and no one noticed/cared, I actually got compliments for “knowing the couple so well” where the Best Man had only talked about the groom 😛

Post # 28
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2015

 @Orangina2013 – How did this all end up turning out in the end?  I’m still occasionally haunted by my own memories of a troubled friendship reaching its breaking point while I was Maid/Matron of Honor for her wedding almost 20 years ago now.  She had been resentful and passive aggressive towards me for years, but the friendship meant a lot to both of us, and we really did love each other, so we always just persevered in the friendship.  Her asking me to be Maid/Matron of Honor given this history seemed extra meaningful, and so I said yes.  

There was zero discussion of expectations, budget, etc, – which in hindsight I see was a HUGE mistake!  I had just started to have chronic health issues at the time that I didn’t fully understand the seriousness of, and they had delayed me finishing college.  But the wedding was scheduled a full year out, and I anticipated being graduated by that time & hopefully earning more money – although honestly I am not the most conventional person to begin with, so it never really occurred to me that the importance of my financial contributions to the wedding might outweigh the symbolic importance of being by her side as her Maid/Matron of Honor.  (I got married years later in a very informal ceremony, and never dreamed of asking my friends for a penny; I just wanted my few very closest friends there with me [and wearing whatever the hell they wanted to wear!] for sentimental reasons!  Apparently this is not typical??  Lol.)  

Then the bride suddenly moved the wedding date up *by an entire year*, making the wedding only months away from having been asked to be her Maid/Matron of Honor.  And me being me, I felt stressed but thought ok sure, she’s my friend and this is what she wants, so I’ll just roll with it.  Money was TIGHT.  But I paid for my dress, shoes, jewelry, and shouldered the expense of her bridal shower by digging deep into my small savings, and even having to ask my mom for a loan from her savings.  The criticism that came back is that the shower was ok, but “not personal enough”.  Ouch.  But ok, moving on…

I was in college as I said, and was working a part-time job in retail.  VERY hard to get weekend time off, as I had to get other people to trade shifts with me, and I had NO paid time off.  I myself was in a new long-distance relationship at that time with someone I was truly falling in love with & I was already having to wrangle one weekend per month of traded shifts in order to have literally any time with my new love.  I had arranged months in advance to have the time off for the wedding and for the bridal shower, and the bachelorette party had orginally been planned for a Friday night (I had Fri nights off but worked Sat and Sun closing shifts every weekend).  But one of the bridesmaids took issue with having to do the bachelorette party on a Fri night at the end of hers and the bride’s long, traditional work week.  The bridesmaid copped a nasty attitude and insisted that I find a way to get Saturday off at short notice instead of Friday.  I tried, but just couldn’t make it happen.  I apologized profusely, and the other bridesmaids took over the planning of the bachelorette party, which I felt badly about but was grateful for.  

I mistakenly thought my friend, the bride, would understand the tough circumstances that caused me to be unavailable.  Because that’s what friends do, right?  We support each other and empathize with each other’s difficulties and challenges in life, as well as with each other’s joys and celebrations?  Wrong.  WrongWrongWrong.  Apparently it started brewing, totally unbeknownst to me, that the bride wanted me to step down.  Which I totally would have done, had I known her feelings, but honestly based on how I’d always known her to be, I truly thought she would take huge offense to me stepping down vs sticking it out w/ her even though there were challenges, and even though I increasingly didn’t feel well.  

By the time the wedding day came, I was so sick, so stressed, and so broke that I barely slept the night before, and was in excruciating, flu-like pain the day of the wedding.  But I fulfilled all of my responsibilities and never complained… just soldiered on.  Did a short but sweet speech wishing my friend and her new husband a lifetime of happiness (which was sincere; it was just short b/c I’m terrified of speaking in public), which I found out later she was upset was not more elaborate.

By the end of the wedding I felt exhausted and resigned, and so I quietly phased myself out of her life b/c I didn’t have the energy to try to address the increasing sense of hostility and resentment I’d been feeling from her.  She didn’t attempt to contact me again either.  Some 15 years later I contacted her and said I was sad for how things went downhill between us, explained how much I was struggling with both health and finances but was genuinely committed to being there for her as best as I could, and that I genuinely thought that was what she wanted from me… and that I was sorry if I let her down.  All she could say in response was that I should have stepped down, and maybe if I had we would still be friends.  It still stings that she feels that way, all these years later, as I was truly trying to do right by her in the best ways that I knew how.

Also in hindsight, it seems clear that she expected me to read her mind as to what she wanted (for me to step down), apparently, which is super frustrating to think about even now.  It had never even occurred to me to break my commitment to her; stepping down would have been hurtful abandonment in my mind, and I never would have even considered it unless asked to do so.  

This is the only friendship I’ve ever had that has ended so painfully like this.  Maybe it was inevitable all along, but the wedding difficulties certainly were a catalyst to speed up the process!  cry  I hope your situation had a happier ending!

Post # 29
Member
4558 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 Orangina2013 :  If you have to do a speech, just keep it generic – there is no rule that Maid/Matron of Honor speeches have to talk about memories with the bride. Keep it short and sweet – the Irish blessing, congrats on finding each other, some best wishes for a long and happy marriage.

 

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