Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
My sister and I were really close once upon a time and it was always assumed we would be each others Maid/Matron of Honor. When I got engaged, that was the plan. We have grown apart majorly in the last year or so, and she is now engaged as well. Even before she was engaged she never wanted to talk about planning, since my wedding was so far off (We are paying for everything ourselves and need to save and budget). Then she got engaged and said that her wedding would be before mine and she needed to focus on it. This is annoying, but understandable as I am not the only bride in the world. She chose someone else to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, which is a little hurtful, but again we are not as close as we once were, and it is HER wedding.. So now I have no one to help me plan my wedding. Even though my FH is incredibly helpful, I still want another girls opinion. Earlier this week I asked my friend to be a bridesmaid. In 24 hrs she has already been so hands on, supportive, and helpful. She has put the fun back into planning for me. I was speaking to my sister a few months ago and calmly mentioned that I didn’t want to overwhelm her with my wedding and hers. She will be engaged for part of my planning and a newlywed (supposedly) for the rest. I asked her a few months ago whethere she thought she could handle it all, given her prior commitments, as I want her involved but not at the expense of my wedding. I was careful not to accuse, or irritate; however, she got super defensive and asked if I was wanting to replace her. I know if I did she would get super angry and defensive and my family would be upset too. She would also accuse me of retaliation since I am not her Maid/Matron of Honor, but that is not it. I just want the experience SHE is getting. People that are supporting me and my dream.
What should I do? I think it is cruel to have my friend handle Maid/Matron of Honor duties and not have the Maid/Matron of Honor title. Should I replace my sister? Have 2 MOH’s? HELP!!!
Post # 2
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
Since your sister will be married the time your wedding comes around, she can be your Matron of Honor and your other friend can be your Maid of Honor. That’s how it was in a wedding I was in recently…exact situation almost, Bride’s twin became very distant and was engaged as well, so she was her matron and bride made me her maid of honor…but regardless, only one of them can stand next to you, walk right before you do, hold your bouquet, etc…so one is going to be “above” the other. Sorry your sister is being such a brat.
Post # 3
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
She sounds like a super huge brat and your reasons for replacing her sound valid to me. I would just replace her to tell the truth. Why should she get the experience of a super helpful maid of honour and you get the shaft?
Post # 4
Member
7189 posts
Busy Beekeeper
My SIL was engaged at the same time as me and we spent the time that we were engaged at the same time, supporting one another and planning together. We had very different styles, different budgets and very different weddings but we were still able to support one another. I don’t see how her being engaged would prevent her from being able to support you as you are both coming up with ideas and plans.
To me- once she broke the agreement to have one another as each other’s Maid/Matron of Honor, all bets were off and you were no longer obligated to have her as your Maid/Matron of Honor.
I’d go with the friend and let sister focus on her own wedding since she clearly seems to think it’s going to be a major to do.
If she gets upset- let her manage her own feelings- just as you’ve had to manage your own disappointment about her lack of availability and her selection of someone else as her Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 5
Member
6865 posts
Busy Beekeeper
People really seem to take these titles way more seriously than I find reasonable. Who the hell cares what the title is? In the end, it’s two girls standing beside you on your wedding day, probably in the same outfit with the same bouquet. No one gives a damn. Do maid and matron if you want, but don’t assume there’s some sort of duty your sister is bound by that makes her deserving of the title. As long as she is supportive of you as a human being, that should be good enough. Planning your wedding, even bouncing ideas around, is not necessary, though a nice bonus.
Incidentally, if you’re planning weddings at the same time, I think it’s a little odd you wouldn’t be discussing anyway unless you’re both kinda competitive.
Post # 6
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
thesoontobemrsv : I agree with this completely.
Replace her and be straight up.
Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
Honestly I don’t see the point of ruffling her family’s feathers and stirring the pot before her wedding over something as silly as titles. OP, take a few deep breaths. Cruel to plan your wedding with your close friend even though she’s only being called “bridesmaid”? Cruel is a very strong word. It’s not even mean, never mind cruel. I’m so glad you have your good friend to make wedding planning fun. You can go dress shopping with her and do all that great stuff you might do with a maid of honor. Your friend will understand, and roles just aren’t that specific for the planning stage. My Maid/Matron of Honor was my sister who lives across the country, so while she did very important things closer to my wedding date, it was one of my BM’s that helped me pick a wedding dress, went with us to tastings, etc. My friend didn’t feel like her title was unfair, she was helping me extra because she liked it and wanted to. Have fun with your friend!!
Post # 8
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
It’s your day & if you wanna replace her, replace her. This is a once in a lifetime experience & you do what you want! I wouldn’t wanna look back & think, “I wish I had ‘trisha’ as my MOH”. Your sister seems disinterested & bratty. Every action has a reaction & this is hers.
Post # 9
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
replace her, give your friend moh title
Post # 10
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Don’t bother with titles at all. As pp have said, really they are unimportant and in the end what’s important is them supporting you on the day.
Post # 11
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
I agree with the first post! One matron and one maid of honor, and just have your friend that is being so helpful stand next to you! I’m all for family, but if she didn’t feel the need to choose you, then I don’t see why you should feel obligated to keep her when she isn’t being helpful.
Post # 12
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
My suggestion is to have 2 Maid/Matron of Honor. One matron and one maid. I liked your line “I just want the experience SHE is getting.” and you deserve it! you only get married once! (Well you only want to get married once haha). Make the most of it!