(Closed) MOH Trouble

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Speaking plainly, she is just jealous.  I’m not in your situation but I do understand a little. I have 5 unhappy single friends pushing 30 and I try to keep the wedding talk on the downlow.  But I have the right to be happy and excited.

There isn’t anything you can do to make her happy.  Just keep your chin up and keep doing what you are doing.  You won’t progress in your own life if you keep worrying about her feelings.

Post # 5
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The way she has been acting does point towards jealousy, but she should still be there for you and be involved as the Maid/Matron of Honor and your best friend. I think one day she will regret her actions when she is the bride and you are the wonderful MOH! She is probably so invested in the other friend’s wedding because she is not as close with her (your wedding may hit closer to home with her wanting to get married).

I am not exactly sure how I would handle something like this, but if you two are good at talking things out, maybe you could mention that she seems unhappy to be a part of the wedding? You were able to keep cool after she cancelled plans at the bridal show and had the nerve to ask you for a ride, that says a lot about your personality! I think you will be able to work it out! You both have been through a lot together, you can get through this too 🙂

Good luck with everything!!

Post # 6
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hey – I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I agree wth the pp that the green eyed monster is running riot here.  Your personality sounds similar to mine, and if I were you, I’d sit her down and have a talk with her.  If you’re that close she should open up to you and hopefully after a heart to heart you can move forward with her on board.  Perhaps she isn’t aware of the negativity she’s projecting towards your wedding.  She’s probably so into the co-workers because she doesn’t have to face the fact that you’re getting married before her.

Wedding’s bring the best and the worst out in everyone, but I would speak to her before it’s too late.  I waited until the last straw and kicked two of my bridesmaids out – 5 weeks before my wedding, trust me you don’t need the stress, deal with her now.  Otherwise she’ll ruin your planning and you might lose the friendship!

Good luck x

Post # 7
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds to me like she’s becoming closer to her co-worker than she is to you, and is afraid of how to approach it with you. It happens sometimes, where one of you is clinging to the relationship as it used to be, while the other person has moved on or in another direction. She sees this other person every day if they work together, and their friendship is getting stronger. It could explain her lack of interest in your wedding and her increase in the co-worker friend’s, couldn’t it? I think it might be time to have an open and honest conversation with her before this whole thing blows up. You’ll have to be prepared to hear some things you may not want to hear,tho.

Maybe everyone else is right about the jealousy part and I’m completely off base. Good luck to you in figuring this out. If it were me, I’d need to know now and move on with my wedding either with her still in it, or with letting her go.

Post # 8
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am really sorry you are going through that… I honestly would speak with her soon. Let her know how you feel and how she is making you feel. Do you think she wants to step down? In all honesty, if her actions don’t seem to change I would possibly find a new Maid/Matron of Honor. I know that is harsh, but you should be surrounded by supportive friends and family. She obviously is having a hard time dealing with your happiness and its affecting you negatively. I know this won’t be easy. Good luck!

Post # 9
24 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am so sorry to hear about this!  I think you definitely need to talk to your friend and find out what is going on.  She’s your Maid/Matron of Honor so she should be there for you, not leaving you to spend time with her coworker at the bridal show that she originally wanted to go to with you.  She needs to know that you are noticing her indifference and that it is affecting your friendship.  She is your best friend and you really wanted her to be a part of the wedding.  Reiterate that she is important to you and that her support means a lot.  There may be more going on with her Boyfriend or Best Friend than you know about that is affecting her behavior.  

I hope you guys are able to work it out.  I’ve seen that too many friendships fall apart because of weddings.  Good luck.

Post # 10
322 posts
Helper bee

Perhaps it’s easier for her to be excited about the other wedding because she isn’t losing as much with this friend getting married, if that makes any sense. You’ve been her bff for ten years. You getting married is much more of a huge change for her than the other friend getting married.

That being said, she should not be acting the way she is and you have every right to be hurt and upset. I am getting closer to 30 everyday, probably have very little chance of getting married in the next couple years, marriage has been way more important to me than a lot of my other friends and I have been in 6 weddings all of which I was SO excited to be a part of. Have I been jealous? Of course I have. Has my excitement for my friends far outweighed that jealousy? Absolutely. She shouldn’t be acting this way, especially since she is your Maid/Matron of Honor. Perhaps you could try explaining that you were really hoping she would want to be more involved in your planning process or something along those lines? Try to make it more that you miss her doing these things with you and being involved rather than portraying her as a bad Maid/Matron of Honor and hopefully she will respond well.

Post # 11
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I kind of agree with smyley.  It does sounds like she, currently at least, values the friendship with her coworker more based on the amount of time and effort she’s putting in to her wedding.  My Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend of 16 years got engaged just 3 days after I did.  Since then, her wedding dreams have all been put on hold indefinitely because her SO wanted to buy a house, and now they’re having some serious relationship issues to boot.  Despite all of that though she is STILL excited for me and my wedding.  Sure, I can see a tinge of sadness here and there, but she doesn’t purposefully crap all over important things the way your Maid/Matron of Honor has.

Long story short, her behavior is inexcusable.  If she loves you and values your friendship then she needs to set her petty jealousy aside (and I believe there’s plenty of that as well) and start getting involved in your wedding.  I would’ve been utterly heartbroken if my Maid/Matron of Honor invited me to a bridal show then ditched me for a coworker.  Your friendship, and your feelings, should be worth more than that to her.  As pps said, you should talk to your friend.  mc77 said it well in that you should stress what it is that you’re missing and how it hurts you to not have her be a part of it.  You said that you don’t like confrontation, but if you’re not up front with her about your feelings now, I do believe you’re setting yourself up for a lot of trouble later on.  If she’s behaving like this now, in front of friends AND total strangers, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Sorry you’re going through this!  Best of luck!

Post # 12
2641 posts
Sugar bee

This sucks.  But so many brides go through it.

I think she’s more OK with the coworker’s shower  because she has less invested in the relationship.  If you get married, who can she commiserate with?  Maybe she thought of the pair of you as partners in crime.  If she hasn’t known the coworker that long, perhaps when she met her, the coworker was already dating her Fiance.  therefore you Maid/Matron of Honor went into the friendship knowing how it would end up.  Perhaps the coworker is older, and your friend has an easier time feeling happy for her, rather than jealous.  While it seems counter intuitive for her to be happier for a friend she’s known less time, and act like a brat towards her Boyfriend or Best Friend, I can see why it’s happening.

I would talk with her.  Even if she’s completely aware of her passive agressiveness, I think you calling her out (in a nice way) and letting her know it’s been noticed, might shake some sense into her.  You have been kind by avoiding wedding talk around her.  Let her know you understand if there are mixed feelings and that you still want to be friends.  BUt also let her know you’re OK if she isn’t really feeling up to being a Maid/Matron of Honor at this time.

I work with married couples.  We talk about how sometimes in a relationship one partner has to “carry” the relationship, as in the other one isn’t connected or pullling their weight or whatever,.  Sometimes friendships are like that.  She shouldn’t be acting the way she is. But weddings make people act crazy.  And maybe you can just let her ride this one out.  If you two are really close, she’ll come around.

Good luck.

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