Post # 1
Member
9 posts
Newbee
We’ve all heard of the classic “Bridezilla”, but what about a “Bridesmaidzilla”? What do you do when helpful ideas go a little out of control?
My best friend is my Maid/Matron of Honor, I love her to pieces, she has a big beautiful personality, she’s confident and she says it like it is; she was the first person I thought of when I got engaged to my wonderful fiancée. The only problem is that we seem to have very different ideas about how I should get married and she’s not one who will take “no” for an answer.
To put it into perspective: My fiancée and I are quiet, romantic geeks and we want or wedding to reflect that. We want a non-religious ceremony, preferably in the gardens of a nice manor or a gallery; overall we want this to be a small, relaxed, romantic affair with little personal touches. Even our colour pallette is soft with blush pink, ivory and silver/grey; sticking to flowing fabrics like chiffon, and pearls instead of diamonties. We’re also both women and we both want to wear dresses, my fiancée wants to wear ivory and I’d like a light blush dress (which my Maid/Matron of Honor already said it was a stupid idea and would stop it looking like a real wedding).
My Maid/Matron of Honor on the other hand wants us to wear stark white dresses, get married at the top of a skyscraper (my fiancée is deathly afraid of heights), wants bright colours such as hot pink, mint green or coral pink; she wants form-fitting corsetted dresses with plunging sweetheart necklines that are covered in swarovski crystals and ruffles to show off her curves, and she has actually said that she needs to look stunning to attract a guy and “refuses to look like shes wearing a potato sack”. She’s also told me that I need to lose weight for the wedding (my fiancée and I are both plus sized and totally comfortable with our size), which was really hurtful. To put the icing on the cake, the skyscraper my Maid/Matron of Honor is insisting on is the tallest building in the southern hemisphere, and she wants to do it in a glass viewing box on the top floor that overhangs outside the building; she keeps insisting that I have to go with her to see hpw “amazing” it is so I can convince my fiancée, but she gets nauseous just standing on a ladder!
I’ve tried talking to her, both with gentle suggestions and just outright saying “no, sorry that doesn’t work for us” and sighting what I think are pretty valid reasons (like my fiancée being afraid of heights), but at best she’ll just wait a little and bring up the same suggestions again and insist that they’re perfect for us and the best thing; I’ve even tried totally avoiding the subject, but she always brings it up and insists that I need to start planning. We don’t want a flashy, showy, dramatic or bling wedding (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just isn’t what we want for ourselves), and I want to be able to wear a wedding dress that reflects me without criticism.
My fiancée and I have talked about it at length but haven’t had any ideas, we both greatly value her input, but her suggestions are better suited to her own wedding than ours. What should we do?
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This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by
_HappyG_.
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This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by _HappyG_. Reason: Formatting, or at least trying to haha!
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This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by _HappyG_. Reason: Still getting the hang of the formatting apparently
Post # 2
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
I would say you need to be very direct with people like that. Whenever she brings it up, flat out say “that’s not what we want honestly, but I think that would really be great for your wedding!” and keep emphasising whenever she makes these suggestions that they would be suited to her and her wedding but not yours.
You need to be realitvely direct in saying that you value her input but you have different views for how you would like your wedding and since you are the bride(s) she should respect you and your choices.
If she gets all hurt honestly I weould bring up how hurt you were that she told you you needed to lose weight, that will keep her quiet.
Post # 3
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
You just need to be straight with and say that you love that one of her best qualities is that she tells it like it is so you hope she respects that you want to take a leaf out of her book when you say you need to stop with the opinions because it is really testing your friendship and you would hate it if her desire to plan her ideal wedding for you over supporting you whilst you plan your wedding makes you pull away. Emphasise how much you want to go through this with her by your side but right now she is making that impossible.
Post # 4
Member
9 posts
Newbee
To be honest, she’s a bit stubborn and self obsessed and generally has the “I’m always right” attitude (I mean I always knew that, and it doesn’t mean I don’t love her as my best friend, but that beast has really reared it’s ugly head during wedding planning), so anything I say will be wrong. If I suggest toning it down, a compromise or stay true to my choice she rolls her eyes, crosses her arms and glares like a petulant child.
I’ve tried to say her ideas would be better suited to her own wedding, but it either turns into:
- A rant about the single life, and how she doesn’t want a partner (or that she does, it changes on the regular)
- Going on about how she wants a more “classic wedding”
- Just starts her on a string of more suggestions where she repeats what she wants, and talks about how good she should look.
I honestly feel like I’ve exhausted everything short of letting her go, but I feel like that would make me the bad-guy “Bridezilla”
Edited to add: We both have disabilities, however she’s been pandered to her whole life and gets a lot more rights due to the type of disability she has. I on the other hand am very independent. So she’s used to getting things her way and using her disability as a crutch; and it makes her a touch entitled. I know it complicates things, but I thought it may help to explain our differences in attitude.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by _HappyG_.
Post # 5
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
_HappyG_: As your Maid/Matron of Honor, and Boyfriend or Best Friend no less, she is supposed to support you. I personally don’t keep relationships with people that selfish for this reason: when you need them, they’re usually too self involved to actually be there for you like you would be for them.
I honestly think you should tell her flat out, no matter how rude you might think you will seem, that you want your wedding a different way, and you’re sick of her not supporting your choices, acting like a child and not being a good Maid/Matron of Honor, and if she continues this then you will have to get someone else to step us as Maid/Matron of Honor. The Maid/Matron of Honor is the brides main support, she shouldn’t be your biggest concern.
Post # 6
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
Alo you are not being a bridezilla at all. You have tried reasoning with her and she keeps pushing, so it is time to stand up for your dream day. If she will have a fit over this or threaten the friendship, you have to ask how good of a friend she really is…
Post # 7
Member
9 posts
Newbee
The reason for my hesitation is that I know she’ll throw a tantrum if I disagree with her; she has a bad habit of bad-mouthing her friends behind their backs, and I don’t want to risk all that drama while trying to figure out guest lists etc.
To be honest, her behaviour is seriously stressing out my fiancée and I. We expected it from family, but not my Maid/Matron of Honor… Her input is making us miserable, and as a result we’ve kinda halted our plans.
Post # 8
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
She can’t book things for you – so my advice is that you should quietly continue doing what you want for this wedding. Book a venue – then when she starts off about the skyscraper again, you can say “nice idea but we’ve already got a venue locked in and paid a deposit.” If she’s telling you what kind of dress you should get, don’t take her dress shopping, and get the dress you want! Bridesmaid dresses I will admit will be more difficult but maybe there’s a compromise to be found somewhere there. She can only be as involved as you let her be and if she’s being so difficult, just don’t involve her. If it ends with her chucking a hissy fit then you may have to let her go.
Post # 9
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
Nooooo, don’t halt your plans!!! For a woman whose only job is to support you on your special day!! This is a wedding of two yes? Seriously, stop being a doormat for all of her hysteria and selfishness. This punishes you but it also punishes your fiancee. Now, it is your job, since she is your friend, to stand up for your fiancee. I mean this kindly but I am going to say it harshly. If I was your soon to be wife I would be feeling crushed, confused and let down that you were allowing our day to be ruled and wrecked by an immature little brat who has no bearing on our marriage. I would feel like by putting her first out of fear, you were putting me last on the most important day of my life. It would really concern me looking into a future. Do you understand?
Now, this woman may chuck a strop, she may chuck ten but you DO NOT reward bad behaviour, neither do you make excuses for it! Hear me? Stop, stop, stop giving into the madness to avoid an uncomfortable exchange. Part of being a grown up is uncomfortable episodes that teach us how to stand up for ourselves and those we adore. Your fiancee needs you right now. She needs to know that you will put her first. You need to put her first. Stop letting the bully win. Your partner will be watching to see how you handle this one, trust me.
Post # 10
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
Her job is to support you and your fi. If she doesn’t like what the two of you are envisioning, then it’s time for her to take a hike. Haha. But really, it sounds like you have an easy going, type b personality. Which totally makes sense for her to be such a good friend! Opposites attract. If you aren’t a fan of confrontation, stop talking about the wedding with her right now. When she brings it up, say something like, “My fi and I have not decided on that quite yet, but when we do, you’ll be the first to know.” Then try your best to change the subject. Once you put deposits down, there won’t be much she can argue with. As far as her dress color and style goes, that is going to be tough. Maybe she would be willing to compromise with a deep v style neckline that still has a flowy skirt in the color that you want. Ultimately, what she wears is up to you and your fi.
Post # 11
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Why is she so involved with the planning anyway? Your wedding = you do the planning. Stop asking her for opinions. Don’t tell her about any of what you’re working on till the decisions have been made.
Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee
KiwiDerbyBride: It’s a little difficult, being a same sex couple in a country where our relationship isn’t legal yet means that planning will be a long, drawn-out process while we wait for the laws to change. Sadly, homopobia does happen in the wedding industry (we were kicked out of the first bridal store we entered); so we’ll be juggling that on top of the issues with my Maid/Matron of Honor.
We’re just stuck in this grey are where we can research and plan, but we can’t really book anything because we can’t guarantee a date. So we’re using the time to decide on dresses, look at themes, scrapbook etc. but we can’t really finalise anything (it seriously suck to be in this limbo). So we can’t really just be like “Let it go, the venue is booked” because she knows we can’t do that.
Post # 13
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
_HappyG_: My sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor. She has tried to push what she wants into my wedding. I never say no and I am sadly someone who gets taken advantage of and allow people to walk all over me (its a horrible flaw I do not know how to fix). When it comes to my wedding, “If you don’t like it… don’t be in it (or don’t attend it). Is said more often than I would like. I know my Fiance fam wished we got married in a church. It’s not us so No. Its our Day. It’s not theirs or hers. <br />So same with you. Its not ur BFFs day… its yours. You need to put her in her place. It sucks but otherwise you will regret not having the way you want your wedding to be. Good luck.
Post # 14
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
_HappyG_: I’m pretty sure you could have caused a whole lot of trouble for the bridal store that kicked you out because while same sex marriage isn’t yet legal, I don’t think they can discriminate against you like that…have you thought about going over to New Zealand to get married as it’s legal there? (Assuming you’re in Australia?).
Post # 15
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
Plain and simple….tell her to but the “F” out! It is YOURS and YOUR Fiancees day, NOT HERS!
I wish you both the best of luck!
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