(Closed) MOH vent (sorry it’s long)

posted 12 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1580 posts
Bumble bee

first, I can’t believe she told you it was an ugly color. Whenever someone thinks that something else will look better than what I picked out, I just always think, “would i rather trust her fashion sense or mine?” and the answer is always mine. Because in the end, it is your wedding, so don’t let her get you down about that kind of stuff. She might be jealous, she might not like the way she particularly looks in that color, or she might just be telling you her honest opinion. Whatever the case, your wedding will showcase your style, not hers.

Regarding letting the girls pick their own dress- I thought this would be a great idea too! But then it really did turn out to be more work for the girls, which I was not expecting. I still haven’t decided what to do, because I love the idea of each picking her own dress in a given color so she can buy something she really likes in her price range. But I’ve also been looking at traditional bridesmaid dresses recently because I’m not sure the girls want to go through the trouble of shopping for their own dress.

Does you Maid/Matron of Honor know that she is upsetting you? Do you watch say yes to the dress? That episode last Friday basically showed the best friend being so mean about all of the dresses the bride tried on, and I thought they all looked fantastic. But I really don’t think the friend realized how mean and unsupportive she was being. Maybe you should explain to your Maid/Matron of Honor that you are sensitive about it and you really need her support, especially so close to the wedding because nothing can be changed now- she just has to support the decisions you’ve already made. Good luck!

Post # 4
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

*hugs* You can never please everyone. Otherwise all wedding would have looked exactly the same. She has her dress now, doesn’t she? So just let her be. Let her vent but pay no heed. This is your wedding. Don’t let unecessary negative vibes get to you!

Post # 5
299 posts
Helper bee

My opinion on this kind of issue, which is seen fairly frequently around here, is usually pretty different from the rest of the board. Most people here will tell you that she’s being difficult, she needs to do what you want her to do, and I’m sorry you’re having a rough time with her. But I’m of a slightly different opinion. I told my party to wear whatever they wanted that made them happy so long as it’s representative of the wedding- so basically anything they want. And I did this for three reasons- number one, these people mean a lot to me, so I want them to be comfortable and happy, two- I want them to have an oppurtunity to go crazy with their outfits, which they normally would never get to for a wedding, and three- I HATE it when people try to dictate to me what to wear, and I would never do that to someone I care about. I understand the traditional wedding- the bridesmaids wear what the bride wants them to wear, and if they don’t do exactly as they’re told, it is usually seen as them being inappropriate/rude/bad friends. But like I said, my opinion on the whole bridesmaid gowns/wedding deal is extreme, I suppose, compared to everyone else’s. Here’s one idea- my sister knows how I feel about this issue and respects that, so because I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor, she wants me to wear something to stand a part from the group, and the only stipulation is that it isn’t insane. Reasonable, easy to follow guideline that’s pleasant and non-restricting. If your Maid/Matron of Honor is being flat out rude and nasty to you, then yes of course you have a right to be angry! But if she just doesn’t care for what you’re asking her to wear and is having a difficult time with it, then I personally can’t blame her for not wanting to stand in front of a group of people, uncomfortable and miserable in something that doesn’t suit her. I have a hard time coming to terms with that “if-you-were-my-friend” idea of biting the bullet and just doing whatever someone dictates to you because-it’s-my-day hah- I wouldn’t do that to my friends, it just seems wrong to me. But again, that’s just me, most people will disagree, and I completely understand! I hope you can resolve the problem ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you’ve really given her a lot of options with just saying that the dress needs to be a pool-like blue.  Too bad that its not her favorite color in the world.  My colors are pink/watermelon and I’m sure that not all my BM’s favorite color is pink.  Someday my sister will have orange or yellow for her Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and I will wear them with a smile.

I feel like she’s being a bit of a brat and probably panicking because she waited so long to buy the dress.  Tell her she has to stick to the color and you’d be more than happy to help her find something.

Post # 7
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry she’s being so difficult ๐Ÿ™ I think it’s so great that so many brides are doing mismatched dresses or colors these days, but in a way it does make it harder when you want to keep some sembelence, because others may think they should have free reign to walk all over you.

I’ve recently realized that a lot of bridesmaids dresses look like bridesmaid dresses just because they’re really bright colors, not black or gray like most cocktail dresses, and the colors WILL usually mean the dresses can’t be worn again. But isn’t that kind of the rule of thumb for bridesmaid dresses? Isn’t it the exception that you’ll actually want to wear it again?

She needs to suck it up and buy the dress (or color, in this case) you like, because, well, you’re the bride, she’s the bridesmaid, and her responsibility is to stand by your side in a ridiculously blue dress and look pretty.

It’s just hard to tell her that. Try telling her how stressed out it makes you feel that she hasn’t gotten a dress, or that she’s critiquing the color scheme at a point when it’s too late to change anything or do anything about it, or how stressed you are with the wedding coming up so quickly in general. Also, ask how she’s doing, maybe she’s going through something that’s stressing her out but doesn’t feel she can talk to you about it, because you’ve got the wedding coming up.

Hope things work out okay!

Post # 9
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That is terrible!!  She should feel so honored that you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor.  It is NOT a right.  Also, she should be kissing the ground you walk on for giving such freedom over picking the dress.  For her to complain about the COLOR??  Unbelievable.  

Post # 10
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Wow.  I could understand bringing this up waaaaaay earlier (for example, if it was a color that made her look sick, bringing that up as SOON as you said something about it) but like, 4 weeks before the wedding?  That’s just insulting.

Post # 11
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

EW!  I’m sorry, what a horrible horrible MOH!  Of course she’s entitled to have opinions, but as your Maid/Matron of Honor, she should keep her effing mouth shut!!!  This day is about you and your fiance and NOT her.  I’d say, if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t HAVE to be your MOH!  It’s an honor, for goodness sakes!  As your closest friend, she should be thrilled for you, willing to help you and do anything for you, and not so ridiculously selfish.  I’m sorry, that just really pisses me off.  Good luck and major HUGS!!!!! 

Post # 12
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Okay – so first off: it’s your wedding that she is more than happy to be in.  It’s not like you’re telling your guests what to wear – you’re telling a volunteer who has also volunteered to adhere to requests to match your theme/decor.  So, I really don’t think we can talk about dictating what to wear, when it’s a normal thing for a wedding party.

That being said, I had the same issue…although, not this close to the date (our days are one day apart).  My Maid/Matron of Honor kind of zoned out on me, and she was the very last person to get her dress.  I gave them one color and let them loose in David’s Bridal with plenty of time and options to pick out something that would fit them and they would be happy in, and Maid/Matron of Honor just didn’t.

In the end, the deadline came up, I asked where she was in her selection, and she said she just didn’t know what to choose.  I hate to say it or sound quite this mean, but I chose for her.  I gave her the style number and told her to go in that day and buy it.  I’m sorry that your Maid/Matron of Honor is giving you such a hard time, especially with it being so close. 

You’re not a jerk because she has taken so long to pick something out that was inevitable.  So, don’t feel badly for speaking to your bridesmaid (MOH, no less) about getting it together already and sucking it up for one day in a color that isn’t exactly her favorite.  You could be nicer about it if it weren’t so close.  This was her choice – not yours.  You can do it.  You will make it.  Good luck!

Post # 14
8 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally know how you feel, my maid of honor hasnt helped me at all…and even tried to bail on the dress ordering, which everyone knows you have to order all there dresses together because they cute them from the same material (they are all wearing the same color and she has a different style)


I wanna kick her out so bad UGH!!!!!

Post # 15
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just a slightly different opinion here – I liked having the color/dress length dictation. I didn’t feel like it was restricting, even if I didn’t love the dress I ended up with. I felt like, hey, I’m not the bride, I’m not planning this wedding, so I’ll trust the person who is. 

One of my friends pulled a similar stunt. She said that pink just didn’t work with her skin tone. I actually did change the color, but that’s because we’re so far from the wedding and I like navy, too. You’ve given your Maid/Matron of Honor time, and she needs to just suck it up and wear the dress like you would do for her. 

Post # 16
2640 posts
Sugar bee

It often seems like BMs know what is expected of them, but when it comes down to it, they go bonkers when they realize they have to pay some $$ to buy a dress in a color that they can’t stand.  She probably won’t feel pretty in it.  And she most likely won’t wear it again.  In a way you can’t blame her.  And so don’t give up on her freindship.

With that said, she is out of line.  She should suck it up.  (Especially since you are allowing her to control how much she spends.)  Maybe she’s stressd because she procrastinated, and can’t find as many options in your color.  Maybe she is nervous about doing Maid/Matron of Honor duties, now that she needs to think about that stuff.  I’m not sure it’s jealousy.  But I suppose that’s a possibility.

But I think she needs to know that “what if I don’t find a dress” is not an option.  Maybe it’s just me.  If she can’t get it together, she doesn’t want to be in the wedding.  But I hope she gets it together.

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