- 10 years ago
- Wedding: January 2009
wow, that is pretty bold of them to want to be seen together at a wedding. (not trying to judge but i second what you said about the nature of the event.)
If it is going to stress you out during the day (as you said he was the source of a lot of drama) you have every right to talk to you Maid/Matron of Honor about the situation. Will other people be uncomfortable? How does your Maid/Matron of Honor feel about it…has she thought about the appriopriateness of it all? Does she care? It deserves a conversation.
I also think it was rude of her to tell you she’s bringing him rather than ask you.
That’s ridiculous. Girl, you need to tell her "no way jose". How tacky!!!!!!!!!!
that seems like bad wedding juju! 😉 hopefully she will change her mind when you have a chat
Yeah I think you need to tell her no. you can either be honest why – you don’t want drama, you don’t want someone flaunting their disregard for marriage on the day you take your vows, etc. – or just tell her you are only letting people in serious relationships bring a date.
Edit – as with DoctorGirl I generally believe in letting things like this go and concentrating on the bigger picture, but to me, this just seems wrong!
I’m usually a pretty concilliatory, live and let live kind of person. But this would be a do not pass go situation. I’d say no in firm terms and let her know that if she tries this stunt, it’s a deal breaker.
At least she let you know beforehand, but I find it pretty bold that she even thought of doing this.
I agree it is very bold of her to tell you that she is bringing him. Since she is your Maid/Matron of Honor you must be close to her so I suggest really sitting down and talking to her about it!! Good luck!!
It’s very painful enduring an affair. My xh cheated and I hurt so bad about five years back.
That being said, and also because this site is about love and marriage and committment, I would ask you to NOT ENABLE THIS.
Sure, it’s their business, but if you believe in the sanctity of marriage, in your vows, and in right vs. wrong, you will tell her it won’t happen at your wedding.
I personally will not enable something I find not only hurtful, destructive, but IMMORAL.
and if you’re her bff and let this continue, your not addressing this issue a long time ago would signal her that you’re ok with it.
I definitely say it’s inappropriate for a wedding! It’s a blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage and the vows you’re saying to each other that day. I would just sit her down and calmly talk about it. Why does she want to bring him? Did she think about what kind of event it is and what kind of message it would send? What about having to answer friendly questions about who he is? I’m thinking she just doesn’t realize what she’s trying to do.
I agree with everyone here. It’s not acceptable for her to bring that man to your wedding. I think you need to tell her that you feel it’s inappropriate and you will not be complicit in his disregard for his wedding vows. (They are basically putting you and all of your other guests in the position of keeping this affair from that man’s wife. It’s a really small world and you don’t want to put your guests in a position of finding out that their friend/coworker/neighbor’s husband is cheating on her in public).
Why your Maid/Matron of Honor feels it is acceptable to carry on in public with a married man like it’s a normal relationship is beyond me. One or both of them should be ashamed of their behavior.
I would NEVER allow this to happen at my wedding. Even if it put a strain on my friendship with the person.
I hope your Maid/Matron of Honor sees your point of view and is willing to respect your feelings on the matter.
Personally I think she is being inappropriate. Nevertheless, her choice of guest reflects on her, not on you. If you let her bring him, if she’s smart she won’t be broadcasting his married status at the wedding so it might turn out to be a non-issue. If others do know, they’re under no obligation to keep it a secret; that’s her risk to take. If it will be a big distraction to you however, I think you’re within your rights to discuss your misgivings with her and to ask her not to bring him if you’re still really uncomfortable with the idea.
But the devil’s advocate says, who are we to force her to conform to our views of marriage? Just because we believe the institution should be a certain way (i.e., monogamous) does not mean that everyone else has to agree with us or that we should force others to behave in the ways we deem proper. People are entitled to their own views and their own actions. They are two consenting adults; let her bring him.
I’d say that it’s realllly tacky for her to consider doing this.
BUT, not knowing the circumstances of her relationship makes me somewhat sympathetic. Also, it really is her business and her choice. I’d be tempted to talk to her about it and express my concerns, but not "forbid" her to bring him. She is an adult and ultimately, telling her what to do will jeapordize your friendship.
I would say this is really a question of your personal feelings. And I don’t know how you feel about adultery in general, or this relationship in particular, so it’s hard for me to advise. I have actually had friends who have put me in similar situations (although not at my wedding, thank heavens). My response was: "While you are my friend, and your relationship doesn’t change that, I do think that what you are doing is wrong. Since I do believe that, while I’m just as happy as ever to do things with you, please don’t ask me to do things with the two of you."
I’m sure that you don’t want to damage your friendship with your Maid/Matron of Honor, but that doesn’t mean that you have to condone a relationship that is undoubtedly hurting other people, and will most likely end badly for her. And allowing her to bring this guy to your wedding as her date is condoning the relationship.
So my advice would be this – if you would be happy to double date with them, go on vacation with them, invite them to a dinner party at your house, I think that you should go ahead and let her bring him to the wedding (although it’s not inappropriate to let her know that you hold her responsible for making sure there is no drama). If you don’t think that you would be happy socializing with them as a couple on other occasions, then it’s appropriate to let her know that she needs to find another date.
My first reaction is this: I feel sorry for your friend. My guess is that she desperately wants to bring her married boyfriend to your wedding because no one he or his wife knows will be there. It’s probably hard for them to find places to be together in public as a couple.
But you’re not obligated to provide a public date night for the two of them if you’re uncomfortable with their relationship. I agree with suzanno — if you wouldn’t be OK with hanging out with this couple on another occasion, there’s no reason you have to say OK to your Maid/Matron of Honor bringing her married boyfriend to your wedding. Tell your friend what you told us here — that you don’t feel it’s appropriate to condone someone cheating on his wife at your wedding.
Although we don’t know all of the details of the relationship, I think that if it is something that makes you extremely uncomfortable at your own wedding, you have <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”text-decoration: underline; font-style: italic”>every right to bring this up to your Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember, she is going to be in a lot of pictures with you… and if you are planning on having "head tables" or "wedding party tables" he will probably have to sit at a table with your– or at least other bridesmaids.
If she is truly one of your best friends, i think a "real" chat is the best idea. Let her know that you don’t want the drama, but beyond that, you don’t want to support something like that on your wedding day. It might be different if she was asking to bring him to a backyard bbq – but its your wedding. Its supposed to be one of the best days of your life, and if you truly feel that his presence will change this, then you should talk to her.
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