(Closed) MOH-zilla or am I wrong? (very long!! Sorry!) :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013
Post # 34
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Regarding the weight/dress length issue: I did not think that you sounded mean or judgemental about your sister’s weight, and I think you were right to let her wear a length that is comfortable for her, rather than the shorter style. 

I completely disagree with a few points that PPs made.  For one thing, you should NEVER demote a bridesmaid.  If your Maid/Matron of Honor does not wish to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, she can voluntarily remove herself.  However, a Maid/Matron of Honor is not an employee that you can demote – if you did this to your sister or anyone else the relationship would likely be ruined. 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but what you spent on her wedding is moot.  Perhaps she does not have the disposable income that you do (or did at the time of her wedding).  Or perhaps she is simply unaware of the exact dollar amounts you spent on whatever showers, bachelorette parties, etc. that you payed for.  I could certainly speculate, but I did not ask any of my BMs how much they spent on those events. 

If you and your sister have such a horrible relationship, as you have described, why did you ask her to be in your wedding party to begin with?  I get that you were in hers, but these things are not tit-for-tat.  Could you not have forseen that she would behave this way?

It sounds like she is being very difficult, especially by screaming at you over the phone.  However, you say that your other BMs are so easy going and will wear whatever you choose because it’s your wedding… but the dresses you have approved for your sister to wear (longer style) are well over the price the other girls are paying for theirs.  I get that she is choosing to wear a long dress, but there are plenty of long dresses available for $99.  Check out David’s Bridal if you haven’t already.  I think you can still reach a compromise on this.

I don’t think you are the only one in the wrong, but one piece of advice – lower your expectations.  Being a Maid/Matron of Honor is an honor.  It means that there is no one the bride would rather have by her side when exchanging her vows.  But it does not require a several hundred (or over a thousand dollar) budget, nor does it require that the Maid/Matron of Honor do anything at all other than show up.  Of course it is nice when those things do happen, but given your sister’s personality and your strained relationship with her, I think it is unrealistic to expect her to kill you with kindness just because you are getting married.

Post # 35
Member
6580 posts
Bee Keeper

@Jer72:  I agree.

I think the OP just didn’t word her first post, I don’t think she meant to be insulting. Sometimes it’s hard to express yourself when writing.

OP, have a talk with your sister. Maybe you can get an idea where her anger is coming from and let her know that you really want her to be part of this wedding, but that you don’t appreciate being yelled at. You are both adults and her screaming at you is childish.

Also, $159 for a bridesmaid dress is totally reasonable. If she was that upset she could have talked to you and maybe you could have helped her pay for the dress.

Post # 36
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LLRininger:  I’m sorry people are twisting your words around. You are just stating facts. I had friends that always called me a skinny bitch because I am shorter and smaller than them size/weight wise. That always bothered me when they called me that, but I never called them fat. They would make fun ofthemselves for being over weight. No matter how you put it, I think people get offended way too easily. IDK, maybe because you mentioned her weight a few times. Did it make it right for them to call me a skinny bitch, in front of people too and make fun of me. 

You never said fat and never made her weight an issue of yours. I would just let her pick out her dress herself, so she has nothing to complain about. 

Post # 37
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@village_skeptic:  I agree. PP’s need to stop attacking the OP. I also think the OP’s family thinking her sister would never get married has to do with the sister not being interested in dating or going out much as the OP stated as well as her negative feelings towards the treatment she received growing up.

Sisters can be frustrating to no end, and we don’t always agree with their choices. The OP’s sister is being a brat, flat out brat. She initially agreed to wear a short dress of OP’s choosing, then decided she suddenly wasn’t comfortable with that so she requested a long dress. OP gave in to the request because it was a comfort issue. Then the Sister attacked the colour choice and tried to force her desire for a black dress on her. OP decided to stick to her guns and pick the fusia dress that offers a long version and short version and evens offers a similar and cheaper option in long. So the sister decides to throw a temper tantrum.

OP, I don’t think anything you have said is really mean, it shows a negative history of growing up together with a sister that throws temper tantrums or bullies others to get her way. What you said sounds like it comes from frustration of years of putting up with this behaviour. Her being heavier then the other BMs was relevant to her comfort of short dresses and her not being comfortable with her legs while standing next to smaller girls in front of a large group of friends and family that I’m sure all know her as well. 

As for you inviting her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor inspite of your negative history growing up. I am guessing it was expected by not only your sister, but also your parents that your sister would be in the wedding and be Maid/Matron of Honor. Some families just have those expectations/requirments for these ype of things.

Post # 38
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@LLRininger:  I pointed out the way you talk about her so that maybe you can see that you might not treat her the best either. I honestly get how hard it is having sisters that yes physically hurt you, or might not be the nicest growing up. I have a sister that has psychiatric problems and is an alcoholic and my other sister although younger use to beat the shit out out of me. But eventually someone needs to grow up and let go of it all. 

Treat her as you would if it were your friend who was Maid/Matron of Honor, talk about the dress options and her budget.  Find a dress that works and call it a day. If that can’t be done tell her you love her and would understand if she wanted to attend as a guest. And if she gets worked up then let her. It is hard, but once you are able to rise above the drama I promise life gets so much easier.

Post # 39
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@village_skeptic:  Yes, it was relevant the first time it was mentioned… not the next two times.  

I know you’re trying to paint the picture of your lives together OP but you’re just bullying her back (and not only on the weight issue, I just took personal offense to that).  

I’m sure if she read this post she’d be in tears like you were when you were on the phone with her.

Post # 41
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Oy, ppl are getting sensitive today.  I never read her comments regarding her sister’s weight as calling her “fat.”  But honestly, hello, when you put a size 2 person next to a size 12 person, there is a large difference (no pun intended).  I’m a size 12 (10 on a good heatlh kick).  Anyway, regarding the dresses, if she were my Maid/Matron of Honor and acted that way, I would tell her that the price is comparable to what her BMs paid for their dresses and in no way super expensive when compared to the average wedding.  If you want her to wear that dress, tell her to suck it up.  If you are fine with her wearing the short dress, tell her that is the only other option.  Either she will get one of the dresses or bow out…and is that so bad, if she does, considering she is awful to you in the first place?

Post # 42
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

@mchitt329:  Really the point is that he sister wont see the post. We all think things we don’t say. Thinking it doesn’t make us mean, saying it does. Op should be able to express herself honestly so that we can give honest opinions and advice.

Post # 43
Hostess
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP because of your frustration, you’re coming off as snarky. If you clearly state that you don’t get along and she’s jealous of you; why are you having her be your MOH?

Post # 44
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Jer72:  Really the point is that he sister wont see the post. We all think things we don’t say. Thinking it doesn’t make us mean, saying it does. Op should be able to express herself honestly so that we can give honest opinions and advice.


That’s what I did!

Post # 45
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@LLRininger:Sorry some people are twisting words and attacking you when you were just stating facts.

With that said I think your sister was incredibly rude and bossy to you. I mean you love a fuschia dress and she’s the only one that wasn’t on board and you even thought of changing the color for her, I think that was generous to even take in to consideration, many brides wouldn’t do that, they just pick the colors they want. Going back to the color you want and the pricing does not warrant her screaming like a bitch on the phone and making you cry, my sister would never do that to me ever. I’d let things cool down and then hope she apologizes on Thanksgiving, if she doesn’t and makes snide comments I would mention how much money you spent on her wedding and that this is YOUR wedding and if she doesn’t like it she can come as a guest. From what you said she sounds horrible so hopefully she chooses the guest route and you can have your BF be your Maid/Matron of Honor who sounds much more supportive.

Post # 46
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Your sister sounds like a bitch. I know that sounds harsh but I’m just going by what you wrote. It’s your wedding. If you want everyone in short dresses, she’s going to have to hit the gym and put on the short dress. I wouldn’t dream of complaining to the bride when I’ve been given the honor of being MOH in a wedding. It’s not like you’re expecting her to shell out a $1000 for a bridesmaid dress or stuffing her into a spangled bikini. You’re already being acommodating towards her. If she can’t afford $199 for a dress, she needs to follow your lead and take a part-time job for a month or two so she can make it happen. If I were you, I’d rethink her role in the wedding. You don’t need that kind of headache and she doesn’t sound like she was very nice to you to begin with.

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