(Closed) MOH/Bridesmaids duty to pay

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 16
6190 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
rubyk1 :  Uhhhh that’s half the cost of my actual wedding! And the cost per head is higher. The only way this is acceptable is if the whole group is hugely wealthy and this is the norm. But even then….nope. Big nope. She cannot in good conscience expect this. $700 dress is fine if the bride is paying. 

Tell her tea sounds great, who’s hosting? (Because it’s not you)

Post # 17
11359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I wouldn’t even bother talking to someone this entitled and self-absorbed.

Anyone who expects her bridesmaids to pay $700 for a dress and divide $10,000 among them for a tea for her is not someone I would want to be friends with.

bye, bye, bye. 

Post # 18
1058 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, I agree with PPs. Try to level with her. “Hey X, I’m really worried about being able to afford the tea you want. As a uni student, I’m already kind of pushing my budget to pay for the $700 dress. If your tea turns out to be $10,000 I simply can’t afford to pay for my portion. Could we scale it back? I want to do something you’ll love but need to stay within my limited financial resources.”

Post # 19
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would make my exit when she mentioned a $700 dress.

I’m a bit confused by your thread. You use the term “kitchen tea’ which implies you live in the UK or Australia, but then mention she expects you to buy a $700 dress. Isn’t it the normal practice in those areas for the bride to pay for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses?


Post # 20
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I would not be friends with someone who expected THAT much. Talk about entitlement.

Post # 21
393 posts
Helper bee

Sometimes I just want to scream but we are suppose to be helping people here.


1.  Like a broken record.  How important is this bride and her friendship.  Decide.

2.  I havet o say this sounds a bit crazy the costs for anyone even if they are working unless you are all multimillionaires but a student even if well off  this sounds crazy

3.  Maybe you need to ask her what are the expenses and expectations to take this honor as bridesmaid.

4.  A kind letter such as:  I fele a bit embarassed because you are  ana amzing person and even a better friend and you mean the world to me.  But sadly and most unfortuantely I am not in a financial situation to stand up for you on your special day. I am really honored but I am a student and on a limited budget.  And while your wedding sounds beyond amazing I just cannot afford everything you deserve.  If there is somethign I can do to help out great but I can’t afford the coss of being a bridesmaid.  

I hope this won’t hurt our friendship; I just had to be honest.


That being said I think she should make clear the expectations and this tea t hing at $100 per person unless she is paying sounds crazy.  I understand weddings are a great celelbration but they aren’t suppose to cause stress,, resentment,anger or poverty.  I don’t want to make the crack and how many of them last.  But surely if love is the basis for amarriage extravagant gowns and multiple parties and high end decora, flowers , music and venues etc necessary while nice aren’t what really makes up a wedding.


Nowi if th bride iswilling and ableto pay that is her business.   I personally could not face y wedding party and tell them their outfits were over 700 dollars or tell them to host a party.  I mean if they want too and it is customary but it doesn’t have to involve a flight it could be a night of wings and watching a game or whatever..  Maybe I am a simpleton (who owns six Armani suits, a Doce Gabana, A Valentino, A cerutti, and many other high end  international designers – al bought on extreme sales (like 80percent off) but more important than these suits are the people.  And yes, I will wear a Walmart shirt with Valentino or Hand M pants with an Armani jacket because while it is nice to have some well made clothes (especially when you aren’t skinny) in the end I can’t take my clothes with me or when I am sick will I want to wear th em (maybe my Lululemons lol) but memories of good family and friends will always be there for me. Or the real thing 🙂

Post # 22
7352 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

“I look forward to celebrating your wedding with you but a $700 bridesmaid dress is not going to work for me. Also, I’m concerned about your expectations for the pre-wedding events and the financial expectations. If you’d like me to contribute [blank] is my budget. If you are set on having more than that, please let me know who will be paying the difference.”

I would send it to her and I would also open the discussion for the other BMs in case they have input or suggestions.

I would not make any additional financial accommodations for her foolishness.

Post # 23
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sensoda :   yup.  

I recommend setting your maximum budget for the wedding $500? $700? Including everything (flights, hotels, dresses, etc) and sticking to it.  Nobody can spend your money without your permission. 

In My Humble Opinion, the earliest to wed become the earliest moms… despite being dear friends, I’ve found that when the time comes around to return the favor with showers, parties, and trips those same friends are not available for the same extravaganzas they were given.  Their own lives, children, houses, budgets and husbands become priorities.  I’ve seen this cause bitterness… so whatever you do, please don’t over-invest in this friend’s celebrations thinking it will come back to you one day.

Post # 24
2610 posts
Sugar bee

noooo nonono to all of this. Bridesmaids should NOT be expected to fork out any money that is beyond their budget. If the bride wants to dictate exactly what happens then she has to pay for it. the wedding pre-parties are meant to be thrown in honour of the bride which means the bridesmaids should be choosing what is within reason for them. 

Expecting you to pay $700 for a dress is completely unreasonable as well. Again, if she isn’t willing to discuss your budgets with you and decide on something you’re all ok with, then she has to pay for it herself. 

I would be wary of being a bridesmaid in this wedding at all quite frankly..You might save yourself a lot of drama, grief, and money by finding a peaceful way to back out now. 

Post # 25
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Wtf, a $10,000 kitchen tea is ridiculous. Basically, if the bride wants her bridesmaids to pay she cannot dictate the event. I.e. if she wants you guys to organise and pay for it then she gets what she gets and if that means a BBQ in the park then so be it. She can’t decide it’s going to be $10,000 and that you’re paying. No way. Also you’re allowed to discuss dress budgets with her (actually, she should have asked you all herself). A $700 dress is not reasonable. Just tell her that you love and support her but as a uni student you don’t have money to spare and that your budget for everything including the dress is $X, and if things go over that you won’t be able to pay. If she throws a hissy fit about it then this is probably not a wedding you want to be in!

Post # 26
2009 posts
Buzzing bee

If you are throwing the kitchen tea for her then she doens’t get to dictate where it is held.

Post # 27
413 posts
Helper bee

There are a lot of brides that dont even pay 700 for their own dress, and they are beautiful!

Tell you, you will host her “kitchen tea” event in your kitchen with appetizers 😉

Post # 28
14169 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If those are her expectations and her attitude, I’d be out. 

The topic ‘MOH/Bridesmaids duty to pay’ is closed to new replies.

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