Post # 1
I could use some feedback on your experience and how to handle my mother. Since I started to watch Say Yes to the Dress, I noticed many MOG go alone dress shopping. My sister had her MOG come along, and my mother acted like a pouty child. 5 years later I’m getting married, and the MOG and I have a great relationship. Her middle son was married this past summer and she went along for the dress shopping with her daughter in law. I invited her to come with my mother and my sister, and my mom is acting totally irrational…not talking to me about it, and I’m having to hear about it from my dad and sister. My sister completely supports the MOG attending the dress shopping, and I’m so hurt and disappointed that my mother is making this about her. Just because the MOG is included, doesn’t mean she is being excluded. My mom is not returning my calls around trying to schedule times to go. It’s so disappointing. Do you think it’s weird to invited the MOG?
Post # 2
I don’t think it’s weird at all, in fact, I think it’s really nice of you to extend the invtation to her. Is it possible that your mom spent your whole life dreaming of going dress shopping with just you? Would you think of having one day where it is just you and her, or do you think that would be giving in and make things worse?
Post # 3
I personally didn’t invite my Future Mother-In-Law to go dress shopping with me but it’s based off our relationship. If we were closer and I didn’t want to gouge my eyes out everytime I heard her voice, I would have invited her. I think it’s nice that you have the relationship with her that you want her there to see you pick a dress! Your mom could have a hint of jealousy having to share the day with her, but I am sure once you’re all there and she sees you in gowns, it will be wonderful 🙂
Post # 4
I think there are 2 very legitimate views going on here – 1. you want to invite your MOG. It is your dress shopping trip and you are certainly entitled to do that. 2. It isn’t at all uncommon for a MOB to want this time with her daughter and not too many others. As a 4 time MOB I understand that side too.
I don’t have any solutions for you but I did want to offer that neither of you are being outlandish here. Sometimes 2 rational points of view clash.
Post # 5
My daughters went with myself, their grandmother and each other – they were each others honor attendants. The salons had a limited amount of seating. The one Mother-In-Law lives local and that bride asked her if she wanted to see the dress and she said no. The other one lives 5 hours away and was totally uninvolved.
Post # 6
My Mother-In-Law made it very clear to Darling Husband that she wanted to be invited dress shopping because she doesnt have any daughters. Mother-In-Law and I don’t have a good relationship, and I was kinda put off by the fact that she was trying to use me to gain this experience – not because she cared about me or my dress (no, I’m not overreacting. I’m happy to share about her proclamations about me not being one of her real children if you have questions) but because she just wanted to have the experience for herself.
Anyway, I kept all of that in my own head and while watching SYTTD while visiting my mom, I asked her what she thought about the idea of MOG going dress shopping. She said that she honestly wanted to have that time for the two of us, and I agreed. Mother-In-Law is still bitter about it, but whatever.
I think that asking your mother how she felt before asking MOG would have probably been the most respectful way to do it, but you can’t turn back now. That said, I totally see why she is hurt.
Post # 7
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I also invited MOG to go wedding dress shopping. I have a good relationship with her and she only has sons, so she may or may not have gotten the chance again. And then my mom behaved so immaturely and poorly. It was awful. She intentionally sat on a different side of the room or at least one chair separate from my Bridesmaid or Best Man and MOG. I was so embarassed!
I think it is completely acceptable to invite the MOG if you are friends and want her to be included in the experience. But you also have to be prepared to accept the “consequences” of your mom being upset if she chooses to be.
FWIW I chose not to invite MOG to to the morning of my wedding when we were getting ready because I wanted to give that morning to my mom without her feelings being hurt and to avoid a replay of dress shopping. I regret that decision. It was my day and I should have been able to invite all the women who I wanted/had been involved in planning my wedding. It’s my mom’s own problem that she can’t handle the situation with maturity.
Post # 8
I invited mine! I think she was really touched by it, and my mom is excited too. Just make sure you let your mom know how much you value her opinion, and she’s obviously the most important person that will be there.
Maybe you could go on two shopping trips. One with everyone, and another with just you and your mom?
Post # 9
I think the views aren’t outlandish and are rational (ETA: I was responding to a pp who said the views were rational, and a bunch of other responses popped up before mine)
… but your mom’s immature reaction is, well, childish as you said. She should be willing to at least say ” I want a day with just you”, rather than giving you the silent treatment…. She’s not even really giving you the chance to compromise and give her her own day. Are you worried that she may act this way with other aspects of wedding planning, based on your experience from your sister’s wedding?
That said, you will have a great time trying on dresses with your family! I did not invite MOG (or step MOG) since she lives a few states away, but I did schedule my first fitting for a time when she was local so she could see the dress too. My mom, who will also be at the fitting, initially thought that was odd, but when I told her that she doesn’t have any daughters, she completely understood.
Post # 10
No. Hope you can keep this from bringing you down. So frustrating.
Post # 11
Since you knew how she felt at your sister’s wedding, I think you might have discussed it with her first, but her reaction is pretty childish. I am close to Mother-In-Law but did not invite her. Reality TV has brought in a lot of ridiculous expectations to the process on both sides.
Post # 12
Good question. My mom is not a girly girl, but maybe she has been dreaming out how dress shopping would go. She is alright with my sister going. I guess she stated she doesn’t understand why MOG would want to attend something “so intimate”. I don’t feel it’s that intimate, and the MOG would be hurt if she wasn’t included.
Post # 13
I don’t think this is weird at all to be honest. My Future Mother-In-Law didn’t want to see my dress so that was fine but I was considering asking her to come with my Mum and bridesmaids to look at bridesmaids dresses. She’s been such a cow about the wedding that she’s managed to make sure she’s not included in anything at all whatsoever.
However the idea is nice and re-enforcing the idea that two families are coming together. It entirely depends on the relationship you have with your Future Mother-In-Law. If it’s good – which it sounds then invite her and if you Mum is refusing to talk to you about dates arrange the dates and tell her when it is. Tell her it’s important for you that she’s there but since she hasn’t wanted to talk to you about it you’ve had to go ahead and arrange a time with everyone else and if she chooses to miss it then she’s going to miss out on a great experience.
Weddings tend to bring out the worst in some people I’m afraid and they forget that this day is about you and your Fiance and the unity you bring between families.
Hope it all gets sorted out!
Post # 14
I should maybe also add…this is my second wedding. My mother and sister were the only ones who went dress shopping with me last time but that is because my ex Mother-In-Law hated me. My fiance and I are paying for the wedding, and suspect his parents will also contribue as it is his first wedding.
Post # 15
Sounds like my mom on a few things..
(My mom is going through menopause and has some serious childish freak outs and gets mad over nothing. )
But maybe you should just level with your mom, and honestly talk to her heart to heart, if she ever answers your calls. But I don’t think it’s weird that you invited your Mother-In-Law, I did. And it was fine. I’m so sorry, though. I know how this can be.