Post # 31
So your mom got that one on one time with you dress shopping for your first wedding? I don’t understand why she is acting so childish this time around.
If you have a great relationship with your Mother-In-Law i think it is wonderful to invite her along. I’m sad that i didn’t invite mine, although she lived 4 hours away from where we went shopping.
If your mom is pouting and wont return your calls i would leave her one phone nessage saying that you’ve tried to schedule with her but she wont talk so you have gone ahead and set x date to go shopping. You hope she can make it. And leave it at that. If she shows she shows, if she doesn’t it’s her choice.
Post # 32
cantwait34: no problem. I just hope that you can enjoy your wedding planning! this is an exciting time in your life!!!
Post # 33
cantwait34: I don’t think it’s weird to invite the MOG at all. I’d do the same!
It sounds like your mom expected your dress search to include just you, her, and your sister. I really hope you can talk to your mom regarding her feelings about this and that she can realize that you’re not taking anything away from her by inviting the MOG. Whatever happens, realize that you can’t change your mom and that her behavior is her choice, and don’t let this take away from your experience.
Another idea: One of my friends did a second shopping trip with just her mom to make it a private experience for them. She had already picked out her dress on the first trip (during which all her friends came), so the second trip seemed to be based on solidifying her decision and showing her mom the dress she wanted to get.
hermom: I completely agree that there are two legitimate viewpoints here, but I don’t think it’s appropriate of OP’s mom to ignore her daughter or (potentially) act up during the dress search.
I’ve personally dealt with this, as my mom gets jealous of my relationship with my SO’s mom sometimes. My mom’s feelings are completely legitimate, but it is always my expectation that we’ll be able to talk it out and come to some sort of resolution. Ignoring someone or pouting never helps a situation get better.
Post # 34
Vermont2015: That is correct…for my first wedding it was just my mother and my sister who came dress shopping, and that made her very happy. The reason for the circumstances though was unfortunate as I never had a good relationship with previous inlaws…I’m so happy to have a positive relationship now and wish she could be supportive of that and realize she is not being replaced.
Post # 35
I think it is really nice of you to invite her! I am not inviting anyone but my mom and grandma (who offered to buy my dress). I didn’t want a big group of people because I know that their may be clashing opinions. If you are fine with her coming then your mom has no say it is your decision. I’m sorry she is acting this way.
Post # 36
Weddings sometimes make people crazy. When I was planning my wedding, my Mother-In-Law told me about this nice wooden card box that she had made for my husbands’s cousin’s wedding. She had spent a lot of time on it, and would cover it in fabric and decor to match the colors and style of the wedding. It had been used at multiple weddings in the family, but never for one of her own children. She told me she would be honored if I would use it as the card box at my wedding, and that she would love for me to go to the craft store with her to help her pick out stuff to decorate it with. I said sure. (I mean really, it isnt like I had any specific childhood dream of what my card box would look like. And clearly it was going to make her happy.) Anyway, I casually told my mother about this, and my mother randomly started crying and yelling at me. I tried to ask her what she was upset about. She told me that she didn’t think I should be bullied into using a specific card box, and that she thought it would ruin the style of my wedding. I told her it was just a card box and who cares? My Mother-In-Law is very crafty and I was sure it would be great. Finally, my mom tells me that it isnt fair because my brother’s wife never included her in any wedding planning and therefore I should not include my Mother-In-Law. It was the most childish, insane thing I had ever heard her say, and honestly it wasnt even really true. I guess she just had wanted to be included *more*? My mom is normally a kind, loving, rational woman. I just ignored her and used the card box. Sometimes emotions do weird things to people.
Post # 37
You don’t need your mother’s permisson to include someone else in your shopping trip. It’s totally your perogative and if she has a tantrum over it then it’s not attributable to you. I don’t see that you need to pander to her. I think you could text her a few possible times to ask which works best with her schedule and then leave it at that. If she turns up well and good. If she doesn’t want to be included than that’s ok, just go ahead without her.
Your inclusion of your future mothe in law is very considerate of you and not an insult to the woman who raised you. Your mum is being petty. Don’t buy into it and don’t communicate to her that this is an issue for you. Let your detachment give her the message that she’s being silly.
Post # 38
If you already had that experience with your mom once, I don’t think you’re obligated to have another one this time around that’s exactly on her terms. I think one of the most frustrating things about wedding planning is that the stereotype is bridezilla, special snowflake, exactly what the couple or the bride wants, when I feel like it’s been a lot more about pleasing other people (who obviously aren’t all pleased by the same thing). Unless you’re planning on only shopping at one store, I don’t see the big deal on doing one place with just your mom and sister, and another with whomever you want, including your Future Mother-In-Law.
For the record, I invited my mom and Future Mother-In-Law to the first appointment (also with a good friend, that I thought would make a good referee if needed). My mom and I have a good relationship, and my Future Mother-In-Law is a very nice lady, and as far as I know, my mom was not upset about including her. If anything, she felt a bit left out when my brother’s now-wife didn’t ask her to go dress shopping, plus my Future Mother-In-Law has three boys, and Fiance is the first to marry. I will say that my mom was a bit of a pill at that appointment (had a very clear idea of what was “bridal” to her and didn’t hesitate too much to make it known), while my friend and Future Mother-In-Law were much more supportive. I ended up not buying anything that day and got something the next day with just my friend. So they all nominally got the experience, but I have to say that most of us probably found that experience to be underwhelming.
Post # 39
Ok so my mom felt a certain type of way about me inviting my Future Mother-In-Law to come with us, but my mother is a certifiable whackjob so I figured she would take it personally as irrational as that is. So here’s what I did, I invited ONLY my other to come with me to the first salon David’s just so I can browse and try styles on, knowing I def wasn’t going to buy on that day. then when I was serious about buying I inviting my Future Mother-In-Law, Future Sister-In-Law and my mom & sister/MOH so that they were there when I chose my dress and purchased it. This worked for me bc my mother felt “special” since I took her just us the first time and then was there again when I picked my dress.
Post # 40
I think it is sweet of you to invite her, especially because you have a good relationship with her. If I had any relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law, I would invite her to come along. But my SO and I do not speak to his side of the family so they won’t be joining us for any wedding activities. I hope your mom grows up and stops making this all about her. Good luck bee!
Post # 41
cantwait34: My Future Mother-In-Law didn’t go with us. Mostly because she is very opinionated and her style is totally opposite of mine. And also my mom made it clear she didn’t want her there. I think she always invisioned us having that mother/daughter moment. And we did! She ended up picking out The dress I picked.
Post # 42
I did all of my appointments differently – first with mum & Maid/Matron of Honor. Second with mum, Maid/Matron of Honor & Future Mother-In-Law. Third, by myself. Fourth – just me & mum (this was also the appt I bought my dress!)
I think my mum liked to have that time alone with me looking at dresses, I am her only daughter and she will never get to do that again. However, I think she was a bit “put out” at first that Future Mother-In-Law was invited to an appointment, she didn’t know this was “a thing” that brides do. I explained I have a very good relationship with Future Mother-In-Law and she was excited to come at look at dresses, it wasn’t doing any harm.
That said, once I found “the dress” I realised I actually wanted it to be a surprise for as many people as possible. For that reason, only me & my mum have seen me in it and I think that’s the way it will stay until D-day (1st April 2017 :)).
Post # 43
I’m pretty sure my mom would be mad at me if I didn’t invite my Future Mother-In-Law. Especially since she only has Sons so would otherwise miss out on “wedding dress shopping” entirely. not cool! Plus she’s awesome and a bit of a lush and I want her and my mom to get to know each other better
Post # 44
cantwait34: I had a spur of the moment dress shopping trip with my mom and sisters while they were in town where I found my initial dress, but I had planned on asking MOG. I knew I would regret it (she was very judgemental about how much money we were spending on the wedding and thought I should spend less than $100 on a dress and anything more was criminal), but my mother told me that it was the right thing to do to include her. My mom is more about me having a relationship with my Mother-In-Law than I am because she and my dad’s mom were best friends. For my second dress (that I got married in–sold the first dress), I bought it online (for $100-heh) and no one was home when I tried it on.
I feel like there has to be a bit more going on than your mom is just freaking out because you invited MOG. Regardless, I would just text your mom the date, time, and location and explain that you love her and you want her there, but it was important to you and your Mother-In-Law that she be there.