Post # 1
Last Sunday, my partner and I decided to get married before the year was out. There was no formal proposal, just a “do you want to do this? because I want to do this?” and then we told our parents and started planning.
My (generally lovely but overbearing) mother said she would hold off on telling people about our plans until I had an engagement ring. Partner and I discussed it, and though he makes in the low six figures, we set a relatively low engagement ring budget ($1500USD).
I have always been a sapphire girl, and for many years imagined I would have a sapphire engagment ring — whether that’s blue or white or a ruby. I got a sapphire ring many years ago, and I only wear that when I wear primarily blue outfits, and then I realized a colored stone probably wasn’t for me. I spent most of last week doing some searching and decided I wanted a moissanite.
My mom called me the other day and was giving me a hard time about not having the ring yet (again, it’s been about a week and a half), and then was making comments on us buying it online and how silly that is to do. I think she’s going to say some weird comments about the stone not being a diamond. I’m not going to pretend it’s not a diamond, even though the size is appropriate for someone of my partner’s income.
What do I do? (This is complicated by the fact that my parents are the major donor to our wedding; partner and I would rather get married in a much smaller ceremony.)
Post # 2
throwingpens : If yuo do not want to lie or ‘hide’ the fact that it is not a diamond, just dont say anything at all! Just show it off. Isn’t it so beautiful and perfect? It is just what I wanted! Your mom will probably just gush about how lovely it is. She probably wont even think it is not a diamond.
If you do just come out and say it, just tell her that it is what you wanted. You did not want a diamond for reason a, b and c. Or, I would go with a white sapphire and then you can just say, hey, I always wanted a sapphire didnt I?
Just because your parents are goign to contribute to the wedding does not mean they get to dictate anything about your engagement ring.
Post # 3
Id suggest if you and fi wants smaller wedding, have the wedding you want rather than the big wedding your mom wants. I get that it’s a easy thing to say.
I didnt follow my own advice. Dh and I would have preferred to elope, but having a wedding was important to our friends and family, so we decided to compromise and have the kind of wedding we would like to attend. So we only invited close friends and family and set a budget and stuck to that budget since we paid for it ourselves. We also had board games and the DJ played a mix of contemporary music and really nerdy songs, like from Rhett and Link and weird Al.
It was awesome and in the end, I’m really happy we did have a full on wedding reception rather than a quiet elopement.
Post # 4
throwingpens : Have the ring you want, and the wedding you want. Now is the very best time to start standing up for yourself.
Post # 5
Don’t worry about what other’s think. It’s not their business. You don’t have to listen to your mom’s opinion on the ring just because your parents are paying for the wedding. I have plenty of overbearing women in my family and I have learned over time just to ignore it and do my own thing.
Post # 6
throwingpens : For your ring, do what you want, tell her, don’t tell her. Honestly, many people can’t even tell the difference between a moissy and a diamond unless they are educated – particularly if they don’t even know about them. Enjoy your fiance and this fun time – you only get to do this once!
Post # 7
Get the ring you want. Have the wedding you want. But I’ve been married 15yrs now and I my mother has zero say in my life now so I’m biased lol. You’re establishing your OWN family. I’d personally want to start it the way you mean to go forward. Don’t even tell her where you’re looking. What you want. What the options are. Just get what you want and keep the details to yourself. Don’t invite an opinion imo if she’s that overbearing.
Post # 8
I think you should do whatever you want to do and just start having a variety of sentences that you can use with your mother when she’s doing too much and bugging you.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Mom.”
“I’m getting off the phone now, Mom. Love you. Bye!”
“I don’t feel the need to discuss that.”
“That’s between [husband] and me and I’d prefer to keep it that way.”
When my mother kept telling me about how she never had a big wedding (even though she’s been married twice) and she just didn’t understand why I was insisting on having a wedding, I finally told her, “You’ve said that several times. I’ve heard you each time. I’m not going to change my plans and you don’t need to say it again.” She stopped and never said it again after that.
It makes it a lot easier to do and say whatever you want when you aren’t depending on others’ money- just FYI. If your mother is overbearing, the last thing you should be doing is putting yourself in the position of taking money from her for this wedding. Especially since it sounds like you haven’t yet reached a point of having super clear and firm boundaries with her. I would go with the smaller wedding, within our budget.
Post # 9
nelliemade : that’s wishful thinking, many can tell something looks “off”. They may not know exactly what the stone is, but they do know/suspect what it *isn’t* …
throwingpens : Why not just be honest and/or when she starts criticizing/questioning/bringing up something you don’t like, just SHUT HER DOWN. “I’m not going to discuss this with you”. PERIOD. End of story!
Post # 10
Tell your mother to cut that shit out.. seriously. If she doesn’t have anything else to say to you other than “where is your engagement ring” then tell her to stop calling you. I cannot stand people who THINK they are entitled to piss in your cheerios.
Post # 11
Astra : Mom made a trial cake for my cousin’s wedding last night and we went over to eat it. I talked to her about the ring and the stone because they’re seeing my extended family next week and wanted to know if it would be okay to tell them then, even if there was no ring.
I dropped my jewler friend’s name in the conversation and it was immediately fine. In fact, she went on etsy looking at moissanite rings for herself!
She mentioned doing a photobooth, and I said, “that’s dumb.” And then she gave me a look, like “what!?!?”, to which I replied, “I mean, that’s not something I want at my wedding,” and she was immediately fine with it.
I think I was just expecting her to be much more awful than she was. She’s excited and just has a lot of ideas but was fine whenever we rejected something outright.
Thank you all for your advice!
Post # 12
throwingpens : Thanks for the update, sounds as if your planning is going well! Very best wishes!!!