(Closed) Mom and Family issues (Long, sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Anamagana:  I don’t think bumping a post after an hour or so really helps, that aside…  Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your mom. And you sound really stressed which I don’t blame you for at all.  You might even seek professional help (though I’m not a big advocate myself, I hear it sometimes helps).

My mom can be a bit much, but when she calls me at work I take minute to make sure no one is in the emergency room and say “I’m sorry, I’m working, I’ll call you later.”  And I do, after I’ve gotten home, eaten, relaxed, done whatever needs doing.  I love her, she’s my mom, but I’m an adult now and she’s been one for even longer. 

You can’t fix her anymore than you can anyone else just cause she’s related to you.  What I hear most here is that you need to set your boundries.  You need to acknowledge you love and care about her (from your post you have this part down already) and also acknowledge you’re an adult with resposibilities (don’t sell yourself short!) and so is she.  She should have a responsibility to herself to fullfil herself, her time and not depend on you do make her feel whole. It’s admirable to try, but it’s not really your place or something you can even do for her… she has to find what she needs.  Not to say you can’t help, but if trying is making you ragged you’re no good to yourself or her.  Easier said than done, I know.

Funny story, when I was a kid I worked at a little retail store, slammed on a Sunday with my help not showing up, my mom shoves her way to the cash register and goes “look at the cute sweater I found, try it on?” (holding it up, blocking the line of customers to the back of the store)  … *blink, blink*… “No, mom, I’m working, I’ll be happy to some other time, but right now I can’t and I need you to leave, I’m working, can’t you see all the customers waiting?”.  My poor dad came forward and usered her out and I tried the sweater on that evening.  But seriously, I thought, who does that???

I wouldn’t tell her she calls too much as she obviously needs the interaction, I’d stress the facts:  I’m at work, I have things I have to do to keep my job.  I have customers waiting. I can’t be on the phone with personal calls unless it’s an emergency. etc.  You obviously care and want to help.  Look into senior activities (some start at age 55) in your area.  Maybe find something you think you’d both like to volunteer for, that maybe she’d continue while you’re at work.  It’s great to get out of the house and help others and you meet people… volunteering was a godsend to me when I was out of work.  If she likes kids try suggesting Big Brothers Big Sisters, or some areas even have Foster Grandparents which is an awesome program too. Also  some areas have advocates for kids in foster care… someone who’s sole purpose is just helping kids through the mess the parents made in court battles… someone who only cares about the kid.

Despite the long post I don’t have an answer for you, other than you aren’t being mean.  It seems you truely care but can’t deal with what’s going on… and you shouldn’t have to, you are an adult and so is she, you can be there, you can try to help… but running yourself ragged does no one any good…. so look for alternatives, for you and her.

Post # 6
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly it sounds like mom is suffering from depression and maybe anxiety. Try talking to her gently. Ask if she’s having trouble getting out and maybe isolating herself, my guess that’s why her friend told you. It sounds like she calls because she’s lonely. You should not feel guilty, easier said then done I know. She is responsible for her own happiness. I would suggest that you encourage her to get out, maybe invite her to dinner or a movie. Sometimes just breaking the habit of staying in is all it takes. As for the phone calls, maybe you should tell a little lie that you’ve been told to ease up on personal calls. I hope she finds new purpose soon it’s a hard time when your kids are gone.

Post # 8
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Anamagana:  your mother needs help. Moving to your college to live with you is crazy–it makes me think that she has some deep issues. She is in a dysfunctional relationship and that is not your fault. Tell her to stop calling you nonstop, urge her to join some kind of club or volunteer. You don’t have to pick up the phone every time she calls…

Post # 9
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First off – cut your dad off.  No more help at his store or communication until he can behave like a human.  Crack Whore – ummm, no.  If you are talking and he’s rude, hang up or walk away.  Second, your mom needs some help.  They’ve made you their crutch and it isn’t fair.  You have your own life and need to live it without worrying about adults.  Sorry that sounds harsh but really they are taking advantage of your kindness.

Post # 10
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe you can pick a time each day for a quick chat, call her while you’re driving to work or home or school. She can look forward to it, will still get to hear from you daily, and you will be able to limit the time on the phone.

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