Post # 1
I have a 2% chance of dying in childbirth and so we are using an egg donor with a surrogate (my ovaries are also kaput, sadly).
My mom said she would not feel the same way about my kids compared to if they were biologically her grandkids. I suppose she was being honest, but it hurt. I was born the way I am, I didn’t bring this on myself by reckless behavior or anything else.
Any advice, Bees? I guess I could tell her that if won’t be seeing them if that’s her attitude, but that seems a bit drastic.
Post # 2
As someone who was raised by a step-parent, I find those types of remarks disgusting. Love is love. “Bio” means nothing. If YOU love a child like your own child, than it IS your child, and it shouldn’t mean anything to your parents if that baby happened to come out of your vagina or someone else’s. I’m sorry your mom told you that. Just because something is “honest” doesn’t mean it needs to be said. She was just being cruel.
I think you should tell your mom that this baby is your baby, and any suggestion otherwise will not be tolerated. If you need to withhold access to your child, even if it’s just temporary, until your mom gets her shit together, than so be it. This child does not deserve to grow up feeling less loved by their own family because of the circumstances of their birth. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this! At the very least, I think that you should make it absolutely clear to your mom how deeply her comments hurt you.
Post # 3
Ive seen a few threads specifically about your mom, and TBH, she sounds like a grade a beotch. I think if she doesnt consider them her grandkids because they arent bio, then she doesnt get to be a grandparent. From your previous threads, I really don’t think that’s drastic. Maybe not even drastic enough!
Post # 4
I have a friend who used anonymous egg donors and another who used her sister’s eggs. All of these children were and are welcomed as family. My step kids were close to adults when I met them and I would lay down my life for them. I hope you’ve recognized by now your mother is an odd duck with odd ideas. If she is unkind to your children when they arrive you may reasonably decide to limit her contact with them. For now focus on having a wonderful wedding.
Post # 5
Yeah, I’m adopted and none of my family– aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.– ever treated me as anything less than 100% their niece or granddaughter. I always knew I was adopted (my parents told me in an age-appropriate way when I was little), but it didn’t count as anything more than an interesting fact about me.
That your mom could say this about her future grandchildren is both repugnant and an early warning sign. If she is going to treat them as anything less than her beloved grandchildren, she is not a safe person for them to love. I would cut ties to protect them and not allow them to know her.
Post # 6
I do understand where your mom is coming from. Non-biological kids just aren’t the same. She is indeed being honest, and has a right to feel that way.
But she also needs to understand that her having a biological grandchild from you is simply not an option. She can grieve that fact, you may be grieving that fact internally yourself. While she may not be able to have that blood-related bond with this child, it’s still a child that’s coming into her (and your) life from the time it’s a newborn, and it will be a child that’s fully part of the family and will be raised in the family. Pets are considered part of the family although they don’t share DNA with us. A spouse is still part of the family despite not sharing DNA with us. A child that doesn’t share DNA is still part of the family.
I hope it never comes up, but if it does, just tell your mom that this was the best you could do, and ask her how she would feel if you were not her biological child and others judged you because of it. It’s her loss if she chooses not to accept this grandchild as she would a biological one.
Post # 7
Bee, your mother has been abusive, selfish, and downright conscienceless in so many ways and on so many issues in your life. This issue now comes as no surprise. At some point her selfish and self-serving behavior should lose its shock value. Your mother is this way. You need to accept it. She is a negative, selfish, hurtful, and toxic person. It’s no surprise that she continues to respond to you through a negative lens, saying and doing selfish, hurtful, and toxic things. In your shoes, I wouldn’t want my children to be spending a significant amount of time around someone who routinely says and does hurtful, manipulative things and perpetually acts like she’s the only one whose thoughts and feelings matter. As many times as you’ve posted about her hurtful behavior toward you, do you want her turning that behavior on your children? Please don’t think that she’ll refrain from her everyday selfishness around children “because they’re children,” especially when she just clearly said that she woudln’t see tham as her own grandchildren since they’re not her biological descendents. I don’t think she’s capable of compassion, empathy or any kind of meaningful “love” that isn’t self-serving.
Move forward with your life with your fiance. Pursue your happiness. Please, for your own well-being, put more distance between you and your mother. She is a constant source of pain and turmoil in your life. Build your family with your fiance however the two of you feel is best. Your mother’s selfish and warped attitudes have no bearing on these plans. While you are raising your children, please protect them from this toxic person. In the meantime, protect yourself from this toxic person by spending less time around her, less time listening to her since it’s well-established that everything she says and does is hurtful in one way or another. Being her biological offspring isn’t stopping her from hurting YOU, why would it stop her from hurting your children even if they were her biological descendents?
On another note, I’m very happy for you that you and your fiance are on the same page regarding your plans for building a family together. Using donor eggs and gestational carrier is something many couples have done. The babies you get through that process are yours whether you carried them en utero or not, whether they share your DNA or not. To a person who can love unselfishly, none of that matters.
Post # 8
Based on your other threads I would have cut my mom off long ago.
Post # 9
- Wedding: January 1999 - Tacoma, WA
That sounds like something my mother would have said to me. She is no longer in my life.
Post # 10
I really think you need to start going into conversations with your mother with the expectation that she’s likely to say the most hurtful thing possible.
Post # 11
Your mother has pretty much always proven herself to be heartless and cruel. This is no exception. I do not think cutting her out of your possible future children’s lives would be excessive. In fact, I think that might be the best thing you could do to protect them from her.
Post # 12
It’s not drastic at all. You better believe that if anyone, regardless of DNA, ever said something like that they would be the last person I would allow into my child’s life until and unless they were able to overcome that attitude, with outside help if necessary.
Can you elaborate? How are adopted children or children born with donor egg technology and a surrogate “not the same?” in terms of a relationship with your mother? DNA is not what makes family.
Post # 13
I would be royally pissed if my mother said this to me, and I am royally pissed for you right now. I don’t know your history with your mother, but from what others say here, it’s not good.
I would absolutely tell my mother the following: It does not even MATTER what my reproductive status is, Mother. If I had no reproductive issues, but I decided to adopt a child who had no parents to love him, I would love him every bit as much as any bio child, and I would expect you to do the same.
It is 100% irrelevant, Mother, that you are “just being honest”. I don’t give a tinker’s damn. Keep your nasty thoughts to yourself. Okay, it might be a bit of an adjustment that I’m going to have a non bio child, but regardless of how you feel inside, I expect you to suck it up and learn to love my kid regardless of where his DNA came from. Because I am your child, and he is my child, and he deserves real love from everyone in his family, equally as much as any biological child deserves.
I’m sorry Bee, but her warped thinking makes me sick. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for saying such a thing out loud to you.
And if my mother could not love me and my kids unconditionally, I don’t see how I could even have her in my life, and theirs.
Post # 14
OP, based on past threads you’ve posted. You are biologically your mothers child and she has treated you and continues to treat you deplorably. Your mother is not a good person and her using biology as a reason to feel and treat any grandchildren differently just doesn’t sit right or true. You are biologically hers and she treats you like a punching bag and tries to manipulate you into doing her bidding. Your mother isn’t capable of treating anyone decently and with respect irrespective of whether they are biologically blood or not. This is just another excuse and way of hers to hurt you and manipulate your feelings and thoughts. Trust me…. your mother will treat any if her grandkids deplorably and in the exact same way irrespective of whether they are blood or not. She is not capable of doing or being any other way. The only thing you can guarantee with her is that she will be nasty to any child of yours and will find an excuse as to why her behaviour is justified. I hope you find your inner mumma bear and realise protecting your child from your mothers reach is the only option. You need to cut her off for your own mental health but it doesn’t sound like you would consider it for you but please invoke that strength to do it for the sake of your future children.
Post # 15
1. You mom is a terrible person. You can’t force yourself to feel a certain way about someone, so the feeling itself isn’t something she’s doing wrong, but telling you about it absolutely is. I love my sister’s son with such an intensity that I would literally jump in front of a train for him. I absolutely do not love my SIL’s daughter that way, and I have no idea why. But guess what? Neither of them know that because I’m not some sort of monster who tells everyone every thought that pops into my brain.
2. I would also literally jump in front of a train for my cat, to whom I am not biologically related.
3. I think a lot of people assume things about love and biology that turn out to not be true in practice, so her actual feelings may be completely different when the time comes. But even if that’s true, she just doesn’t seem like a good person for you or your child to be around. It is not drastic to want to protect yourself and your child from her, but I know it’s very complicated.