Mom and non bio kids

posted 1 week ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

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@weddingmaven:  I meant from her mother’s standpoint, that her grandchild coming from the OP won’t be a biological descendant.  For some people, that fact can make them sad.  But I think a child should be considered part of the family even if the relation is by adoption instead of blood.

Post # 17
Member
13897 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@stateofbeeing:  Well, it’s not even a little bit OK to indulge this thought, let alone express it to her daughter. 

Post # 18
Member
1187 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Wow, that’s an awful thing to say, your mother sounds delightful….

 I was brought up by a man who is not my biological father, but he’s my dad. He never made me feel like anything other than his real daughter, and his mum treated me like her real granddaughter.

One of the most important lessons I learned from my dad is that love makes a family, not blood.

I have to say, I don’t think I’d want someone who thinks like your mother to even be a part of my child’s life.

Post # 19
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think I would want someone with that attitude having any contact with my children.  As a mother you will have a responsibility to protect your children from harm, and it doesn’t sound as if your mother would be anything but harmful toward them!  

There are many people in this world who ARE able to form deep connections with children they are not biologically connected with, so I suggest you find some of them to be grandparents, aunties and uncles to your kids.  Sounds like they’ll be much better for your kids than their bio grandmother would be.

Post # 20
Member
7248 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

As a mother, it’s your job to protect your kids from those who would do them harm. It’s unfortunate that your mother is exactly the kind of person you will need to protect your future kids from.

Now is a great time for you to start practicing – you can begin protecting your little girl self from this person who seems incapable of showing up the way a mother should for her daughter.

Post # 21
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee

I wish I could break up with that woman for you. 

Post # 22
Member
4256 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

View original reply
@lauralaura123:  DH and I will very likely need to use a sperm donor to conceive. If any of our parents (we have 3 sets) have anything but wonderful things to say, they will not have a close relationship with our children. It’s hard enough coming to terms with not being able to have your own bio kids. You don’t need someone who is supposed to love and support you tearing you down & stating that they wont view your kids the same because they don’t share your DNA. Love makes a family, not blood. Sounds like your mother is very toxic and it would do you a world of good to put some distance between you and her. I’m sorry she said such hurtful things to you, no one deserves to hear that from anyone, let alone their parent!

Post # 23
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

You have to give credit to your mom for laying this out. She has armed you with information you can use to protect your precious future children from her. With that attitude I wouldn’t even send her a Christmas card much less allow her in my children’s lives. This is not the only problematic thing your mother has said or done. Based on what you’ve written about her on this forum, I would remove her from my life. But I’m not you. Best of luck as you continue to navigate this very difficult relationship!

Post # 24
Member
3351 posts
Sugar bee

I had my kids in exactly the same way (donor egg and surrogate) and if my mom ever said they were anything other then 100% mine or her grandkids we wouldn’t see her.  Period.  

 

I will not subject my children to anyone who doesn’t treat them or me with respect.

Post # 25
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Your mom is Russian, right? As you probably know, in Russia adoption is still seen as something of a disgrace/scandal. When I lived in Russia, many of my friends told m that it was best for adoptive parents to move to a whole new city and possibly even change their names. This would ensure that the child would NEVER have to learn that he or she was adopted, which people took for granted was a traumatic thing for a child. I had one student write an essay along the lines of “Imagine it! Your precious child learns they are adopted! Their love for you, and their whole life, is shattered! Your family is destroyed!”

I think there’s a very strong cultural bias coming into play here.

That said, your mom treats you really badly. She’s mean to you, she’s controlling, and she can be really hurtful to you. I know this isn’t an easy thing, but you really need to draw some firm boundaries so she can’t continue impacting your life like this.

 

Post # 27
Member
3282 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would tell her that if she doesn’t fully accept them as her grandkids she can’t see them at all. 

Post # 28
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
@lauralaura123:  I’m with you, personally, but it’s hard to overcome cultural biases. You left Russia really young, and moved to a more adoption friendly society, so you were exposed to different viewpoints in your formative years than your mother. There’s a lot that we just take as normal because our culture tells us its so. 

Here’s another example. I live in Taiwan now. Many of my Taiwanese friends think it’s horrible that my 97 year old grandfather is in an assisted living facility. They strongly believe that he should be living with one of his children, and that they should reorder their lives to accommodate his needs. And most Taiwanese people would absolutely take on that responsibility. So what’s common practice in Canada (where my grandfather lives) feels like neglect of an elder in Taiwan. And what’s common practice in America (telling an adopted child they’re adopted) feels like poor parenting in Russia. 

Culture informs us far more than we realize.

Post # 30
Member
775 posts
Busy bee

I say this with the greatest possible sensitivity: FUCK HER.

Honestly, OP, from what I’ve heard about your mom so far, you need to divest her of any power over your choices in life. Every single opinion you’ve relayed to us from this woman has been toxic, to say the least. 

Blood doesn’t matter, love does. So….I think you’re entitled to a new mom :). I understand that there might be cultural biases at work here, but no one has the absolute right to make you this unhappy, regardless of cultural norms. 

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