(Closed) How Much Does/Will Your DH Help With Baby??

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Only pregnant now and I do feel that Darling Husband will be very involved in parenting because his father was and I expect that he will have the as his role model.  We have discussed that we both will be equal parents. That means we both get “nights off”. we both are responsible for putting them to bed, doing homework, driving to practice and anything else parenting will entail. If one is working longer hours than the other, than the one with more hours will do a bit more. If we need additional help in cleaning or babysitting or anything, then we will discuss it so that we get to enjoy life and kids and not always feel stressed and tired.

 

However, I do think its appropriate to make your expectations known prekids because some people do find that their own expectations dont match that of their spouses.

 

Also, people can think they are doing more than they are or they feel the burden of responsibility changes because of other factors. IE, Dad mows the lawn so he feels that  means Saturdays he doesnt have to watch the kids. Meanwhile mom is doing laundry and cooking. Dad just doesnt understand that.  It has be be made clear what is expected before the situation arises is best. 

Post # 4
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

December 2013 mommy chimming in here. Fiance and I were not TTC… but we got a little unplanned blessing bun in the oven! Ha Ha. We have talked about it a bit. I do not plan on having Fiance get up during the night with the baby while he is working and I’m on leave. We have not totally discussed other options but my Fiance grew up with his grandparents and Mother. His father was not around much. I anticipate he is going to be fairly involved in helping with the baby. He is looking at my what to expect when youre expecting and done some pregnancy for dads googling. I admire it a lot :] He’s looking forward to the first U/S for things to really sink in and feel real. I also anticipate that because of daycare costs, I will most likely only work part time nights and weekends or otherwise My income alone will be a wash. Fiance is the breadwinner. His mother will be close and are hoping she may be able to watch baby one day a week.

 

However, If both of us were working I would talk to Fiance about splitting the night duties to make it fair on eachother. Though his job is labor and more difficult then mine. As far as nights go, If I’m taking care of baby and dinner, I expect Fiance to help with tidying up or whathave you. Fiance is already very good at helping we definitely work together. He will tackle kitchen and I will tackle living room. We split cooking.

 

I think it depends on your working situations. But I cannot imagine being the cooker, cleaner, and baby caretaker while also working full time and having Fiance just hanging on the couch. We are a team and he has always made that very clear. Thats what I love about him :]

Post # 5
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

October 2013 mommy chiming in. We were TTC and while Darling Husband joked about not helping out with anything, now that we officially have a LO on the way, he’s changed his tune. I always expected that he would be the helper type anyway. We have two small lapdogs and he’s very much hands-on with them, including taking them to the vet, picking up poop and doing food prep. We have friends whose Darling Husband is similar to your friend’s Darling Husband and we think it’s a little ridiculous. I mean, one of his friends used to panic when mom was even away for an hour and left LOs in his care. He literally would drive around with both of them in the car because he wasn’t sure what to do with them otherwise. I am glad to know that if something were to happen to me and I couldn’t take care of them that Darling Husband would know what to do. I expect to take on more of the workload because Darling Husband has a more demanding career than I do and he’s the main breadwinner, but I would not want to be in a position where I’m the sole caretaker.

I agree with PP. These are conversations that you should seriously have before TTC. Even if it’s not a dealbreaker, at least it’s not an unexpected, unpleasant surprise. Some women we know are totally fine with this arrangement but some are not. Either way, it’s worth cementing and discussing.

Post # 6
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Darling Husband is just as involved in bringing up our daughter as I am. Granted I am usually in charge of researching techniques and tips, but he does at least as much as I do. I think his parents were the same. His dad was a Stay-At-Home Dad in the 90’s.

 

P.s. I also hate when dads talk about babysitting their kids or helping their wife with the kids. You’re not babysitting or helping, you’re spending time with/bringing up your kids!!

Post # 7
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are actually planning to have Darling Husband take some leave (he’s in the military) after my maternity leave is up so that HE can be Mr. Mom for a couple of weeks when I go back to work. I think that will be excellent for bonding and for getting him to feel like he’s completely and utterly capable of caring for baby on his own. I think a lot of men are resistant to helping much simply because they don’t know how and are worried they’ll mess up and hurt the baby. So the way we see it, if Darling Husband can be cured of that from the very beginning (while also getting baby just that few weeks older before getting sent to daycare all day), that will be a win-win!

Post # 8
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Marking this as I’m interested to see answers. :o)

Post # 9
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m very fotunate because i know Fi will be very involved. He is great with my neices and nephews, though feeding and changing diapers i dont really expect him to help with much. He has a baaad issue with smells. If the baby pukes he will too.

Post # 11
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Darling Husband is awesome with little man. He is “on duty” when he gets home from work so I can get more done around the house. LM is much easier at 4.5 months than he was when he was younger, so mostly I’m able to get that stuff done during the day, but Darling Husband still takes on most of the play in the evening. On weekends, it’s 50/50. I do most of the nighttime care, because it’s required of me (we EBF), but if something’s off (he’s sick, he’s gassy, etc), Darling Husband will step up. 

I do work part time, so I have to have time to get my stuff done, too, so Darling Husband works especially hard around the house (dishes, straightening, folding laundry) when he gets a chance while I’m feeding. 

Definitely discuss this stuff pre-TTC or pre-baby though. Set out clear expectations (on both sides) about what you expect him to do/what he expects you to do. Be willing to step up for one another whenever possible. Even the most stable of marriages can encounter a rough spot when you’re both exhausted and the baby is crying…AGAIN. Work togethere and focus on communication. 

Post # 12
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Our daughter is due in July so we’ll see. But I have a feeling that he’ll be very involved with her. He’s excited to be a dad and because his father really wasn’t there for him and his sibs growing up he really wants to be there for his kids. He’s nervous about a lot of things like holding her and he’s really worried that he won’t be a good dad (once again due to his father’s lack of involvement) so I think he may try a little too hard. He has friends who have kids and he really doesn’t get the ones who don’t spend time with their kids. But only time will tell right???

Post # 13
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My Fiance and I don’t have any children yet, but we’ve discussed the breakdown of parenting duties already.  He is adamant that we will share responsibilities 50/50, and of course I agree.  I’m sure his own upbringing has a lot to do with his views – his biological father was kind of a deadbeat, made ridiculous demands on my Future Mother-In-Law, and is now completely absent from his children’s lives.  My Fiance doesn’t want anything like that to happen to us and our future child(ren).  Even now with our two cats, we share their care right down the middle.  I feed them on even days, he feeds them on odd days, we each clean out the litterbox while the other person is feeding them, we both go to the vet whenever they need to go in, we spend equal amounts of time playing with them and snuggling with them… they are 100% OURS, just as our child(ren) will be.  Really, most if not all parts of our relationship are that way, so it just makes sense to do the same with parenting.

Post # 14
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My husband won’t “help”. We’ll split it 50/50, just like everything else around the house.

Post # 15
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@CherryWaves:  I’m pregnant now and I have discussed it with my Fiance and as far as I’m concerned 50/50. Only time will tell though.

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ThreeMeers:  I completely agree that it’s something that needs to be discussed beforehand so you both know what each other’s expectations are!

 

And OP, OMG YES to your vent about dads talking about having to watch or babysit their child! My Darling Husband knows better than to ever say anything like that! We are expecting any day now, I’m 37 weeks pregnant and we have talked about this a lot, because in his family his mom always did everything, she basically thinks that is the mom’s responsibility while the dad works, and flat out says that she didn’t want her husband’s help with the babies anyways because he would’ve just screwed it up and not done it her way. Ugh. So despite having many relatives who were babies when he was old enough to help, Darling Husband was kind of clueless on babies since she thought he didn’t need to know that stuff. So now he’s kind of anxious about screwing it up – it’s kind of cute though, he watches youtube videos on things like installing the carseat and changing diapers, haha!

 

But we have discussed this at length and it is not what either of us want or expect. I will handle most of the middle of the night stuff at least in the beginning because he’ll be working and I won’t be, plus since I’m breastfeeding he wouldn’t be able to do much anyways when our son wakes up hungry. Beyond that we’re going to work to find a good balance – I understand he needs a little bit of time to decompress at some point after he gets home form his very long work day, and he understands that staying home with the baby can be kind of isolating and wants to do whatever he can when he is here to make it easier on me and make sure we have bonding time for all three of us as well.

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