Post # 1
So my own mother let me know today that she booked a cruise with her gym friends the weekend of our Chinese wedding banquet, which is 1 week after our official American wedding (the big affair). I am absolutely devastated that my own mother forgot about the Chinese wedding, especially because it was HER idea. The Chinese wedding is the only way that we can have the most important parts of my extended family come together to celebrate my wedding. My extended family is huge, and I can’t afford to have them + all their small children at our American wedding.
My mom hung up on me when I tried to tell her how upset I was and how it affected my relationship with her. She is completely gaslighting me and telling me this is all my fault for choosing my venue and limiting children.
My extended family is important to me because they helped raise me. However, most of them have 2-4 small children each and our venue is on a freaking cliff with no fence, hence it is not child friendly. I expected to have the Chinese wedding to accommodate them the weekend after. On top of that, we have gone 60k over our original wedding budget and it will be astronomically expensive to include the extended family in the American wedding.
I’m so lost. Should I try to squeeze my extended family into the American wedding, or proceed with the chinese wedding regardless if my mom decides to attend or not???
Dad will support me no matter what.
Background: Mom is 52 and suddenly became a pre-teen who’s just discovered Facebook. Her kids are mostly independent and all she does is hang out with divorcees and get courted in ballroom classes at her local senior center. My poor dad loves her to death but she is clearly emotionally cheating on him. Also, she almost didn’t come to my wedding dress appointments because she had a Nutcracker rehearsal for a super local, super shitty ballet school.
Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
Post # 2
Goodness. Mom sounds like she’s going through some sort of midlife crisis. I feel sorry for your dad. It’s quite sad imagining him having to attend your Chinese wedding solo. In the end, it’s your wedding, and your budget. Maybe mom will see how flawed this is, and postpone her trip. If not, enjoy the day with your dad and family.
Post # 3
Sounds like your mom has decided to live her life and concern herself with herself and the only possible answer for the people around her during this time is to do the same. You shouldn’t have to put your life on hold or make major changes that impact you and a lot of other people because your mother has decided that she absolutely must do any and everything she wants to do right now.
It sucks and it’s hard and there will probably be years of shit to work out as a result of it, but I think you should move forward with your plans as they were. If your mother chooses to miss this, that is her loss.
Post # 4
Your mom isn’t being reasonable and honestly I would drop the Chinese wedding entirely and just have the American wedding with the people you can afford to invite.
Do not go into debt because of your mother, she isn’t treating you fairly. The important family who “helped raise you” need to be at your wedding if you do wish, their children do not.
Post # 5
If your family was that important (helped raised you) then I would have picked a wedding venue that could accommodate everyone you care about. Not chosen to invite them to the cheaper event after the fact. Seems like an afterthought rather than a way to honor and show appreciation.
Personally I’d try to include them in the American wedding and reduce costs elsewhere. But, regardless, I wouldn’t let your Mom’s ability to come be the deciding factor regarding the Chinese portion. She made the decision, but she’s not the focal point of the event, right?
Post # 6
Weird that your mom doesn’t care about losing face in front of the extended family because they will notice she’s not there and they WILL judge her lol. On the + side you get to keep all the red envelopes then.
Post # 7
Your mom is allowed to have her own life and not come to your appointments if she doesn’t want to go. Sometimes moms who are having an emotionally hard time with their daughters getting married will miss out on these things. Not all moms are so fantastic with weddings. It sounds like you don’t have a very close relationship with her the way you speak about her. Maybe it’s for the best if she isn’t so involved? It’s sad she will miss the second part of your wedding but maybe there are some people she is planning to avoid. What is her relationship like with your extended family? Focus on having a good time with your fiancé and don’t worry about her so much.
Post # 8
I am stuck on how you managed to go $60,000 over your original budget without including your family on your guest list.
Post # 9
Chinese guests give cash. You’re missing the big picture.