(Closed) Mom could care less …

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have an “interesting” mom too so I feel for ya.

Don’t let her interfere in your relationship.  Sadly to say, she might be jealous of this situation and how good things are.  She may feel bad about her own personal situation and that is something she needs to work out. 

Maybe tell her when you go home how much you love her, value your relationship, but you want her to accept your Fiance, as he’s so positive and loving and will be a great husband.  Tell her you love her, but you love Fiance too, and love your family.

Hopefully you can mend the fences with her, as it seems she is just dealing with fallout from her own life and maybe feeling trapped herself?  Crossing my fingers she turns this around!  Wishing you the best and congratulations on getting engaged!

Post # 4
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Your Fiance sounds awesome. It sounds like he’s plenty smart, not to mention the important things like being loving and caring and sharing living responsibilities. Keep reminding yourself of that.

There have been several threads on moms and their issues. You’re not alone! My mom has been mixed about the wedding, which really surprised me because I thought she was going to be head over heels excited. I’ve decided I just have to do my thing and plan the wedding. I’ve also asked her to do really specific things for the wedding and that helped her focus on something she can personally accomplish. My mom will be addressing invitations, picked out her dress, selected music for the processional / recessional, etc. She also had a much better reaction to my ring and dress when she came to visit, so I hope that’s true for your mom too.

Post # 5
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry your mom isn’t excited about your wedding. I agree with @bellenga I think your mom is jealous of you. From your post your Fiance is everything your dad isn’t. It sounds like your mom is jealous and kind of trying to sabatoge your relationship because she deep down is jealous you found such a great catch! From the sounds of it your Fiance is great and treats you very well, so what mother wouldn’t want her daughter to find a guy like that? The only one I can think of is she is jealous. And seriously asking about your facebook relationship status…there is no “situation” you got ENGAGED and it’s a happy time. Why would anyone in your family have a problem with this?

Post # 6
2641 posts
Sugar bee

This is what stood out most, to me: 

“My mother married my father, whom I love but is verbally abusive, controlling, selfish, bad with money and unwilling to perform household chores. I mean, who does she want me to marry, a machismo “man’s man” who is a jerk? She also is extremely jealous of his family, since I have a good relationship with them and visit often, she also claims that I am impressed by his parents since they are “monied” and materialistic.

This is really hard on me since my mother and I are extremely close, best friends even, and she makes me feel like I am abandoning her and “settling”.”

It sounds like she is having her own issues about this.  I think she is at least, nervous about losing you, to a husband, in general, but probably more so to a family she thinks you’ll like more.  Or maybe she feels deep down they are better than her. 

She might also be jealous, trying to justify the type of man your dad is, by bringing down the type of man your Fiance is.  (It sounds weird for a mom to do something like that.)  But I’m getting the impression that she sees you more like a friend than a daughter.  (Could be way off here.)  But her behavior seems to be more like that of a jealous friend than a mom.

I hope you can work things out with her.  Maybe try having a talk with her on the root of her feelings.  Good luck.

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Other than jealousy it sounds like you and your mom have very different taste in men.  It sounds so petty phrased like this but in reality it is a lot more profound.  Your mom married your dad for a reason, not by chance, his character traits appealed to her.  For example along with the bad he might be (I’m pulling this out of thin air as examples) charming, confident, passionate, tall, etc. Whatever it was that made her fall in love with your dad your Fiance doesn’t have it so he doesn’t fit in with what her idea of love is.  She can’t really imagine you being in love with Fiance because she can’t understand feeling that way for this kind of guy.

Mothers almost always want their daughters to be happy.  But the sad thing is that mothers (and people) define happiness to mean “what makes them happy”.  So your mom wants you to be happy but her definition of happiness includes a man that she thinks of as a great catch – which isn’t your Fiance.

From an outsiders perspective I would thank your lucky stars every night that your taste in men is different from your mothers and that you can feel loved by someone who is not like your dad (a problem many children of abusers have).  You are so so lucky.  Think about how terrible it would be if you could only love someone who didn’t treat you well – you’d be in a catch22, either you could have lover or be treated well – how can anyone make a good choice with only those choices?  Thankfully you don’t have to.  Have compassion for your mom and the terrible situation she is in.

I would also try to talk to her about how your Fiance makes you feel.  Don’t talk about the objectively awesome things about your Fiance because those won’t do it for her but just talk about how happy he makes you – any mother can understand that and appreciate it.  From what she said about financial stability it sounds like she doesn’t think you love him which is understandable because you’ve probably been scared of talking about him to her since she is so harsh on the topic.  If she understands the amazing way he makes you feel – she might come around.



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