(Closed) Mom died; Dad remarried…Grandmother question?

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
Post # 17
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My mother’s mother died when she was a child, so her step-mother was always Grandma Lastname to me. She treated me with absolute equality along her “blood” grandchildren and I am very grateful to her for that. At holidays, it is her house we go to. My mother has shared photos and stories of my real grandmother with me too. I’m glad I have had my step-grandmother to grand-parent me. I think this relationship has the opportunity to be very special to your child, if you let it.

Post # 18
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

DH’s mother died before I met him (when Darling Husband was a teenager), and his father (my kids’ grandfather) eventually remarried, when his kids were all adults (like in your case). This woman is very nice, but we always call her by her name (let’s say it’s “Jane”), as do my kids. My kids refer to them as “Grandpa and Jane”. I would find it disrespectful to the memory of DH’s mother, for Darling Husband to call her “mum” or the kids to call her “grandma”. She’s a very nice person, but she’s not their grandmother.

We’ve always told the kids the truth: that their real grandma has died and (we believe) gone to heaven. DH has photos so they can at least see who their real grandma was.

p.s. If the stepmother had come into the picture way earlier and played a part in raising Darling Husband, it would be different. But that’s not the case, neither in my case nor in yours.

Post # 19
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My DH’s mom lost her mom (his grandmother) before he was born and his grandfather remarried. His (step) grandmother was called grandma and always acted like his grandmother. He always knew about his late grandmother and his mom talked about her all the time. His grandfather actually still talks about her all the time, even today. He loves his (step) grandmother just as much, he doesn’t care that she’s technically not his grandmother. 

Post # 20
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@julies1949:  This is a great solution, and one that I was going to suggest. Reserve whatever the name would be for your mom and pick a new one. We don’t have any deaths in the family, but we have a TON of divorces. As a result, my half-brother’s kids and step-kids have a Nana and Pop-Pop, a Ma and Pa, a Grandma Firstname and Grandpa Firstname, and a Nana G and Pap B.

They get a lot of Christmas presents.

Post # 21
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I feel like families are more about heart and less about blood relation.  My “step-grandpa” to all of my older cousins was always just grandpa to me.  He loved me just as much as my mom’s blood father would’ve, if he hadn’t passed away when my mom was young. 

 

Post # 22
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My mom died when I was 23.  Four years ago my dad hooked his wagon to the … divorcee living across the street…. yeah we’re all happy about that.  It’s not the fact there’s a woman it’s that we’ve known this woman since we were like in elementary school.  She’s an idiot.  My parents BOTH agreed on that my entire life…. so this just sucks.  We weren’t allowed to play with her kids cause they just made trouble.

We have always called her Miss (first name) and altho she has tried to introduce “Nanna” all the grandkids call her Miss (first name).  She keeps trying and the grandkids and great grandkids that never met my mother keep calling her Miss (firstname).  We tell the kids tons of stories about their gramma(my mom).  The 8 year old great grandaughter was like … listen … you’re Miss (first name) my gramma is in heaven watching over me so you need to stop doing that ( I love that kid and she is a handful)  😀 😀

Post # 23
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother. We don’t have any deaths but we are a blended family ourselves and my SO’s parents are divorced and his mom has been remarried for 6 years. My SS is 3 and he calls her husband “Grandpa FirstName” whereas he calls SO’s father just Grandpa. He has his maternal grandparents are still together and he just calls my parents by their first names so he loves them and they love him. 

Post # 24
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My grandparents are divorced, but my grandfather remarried when I was maybe around 10-12 (I honestly forget the year). Since we were older we called her by her first name. Since then my sisters both have had kids, so while we call her by her name, the kids call her Nana.

I can see an issue if the kids were already born when they remarried, but if it’s a new kid, maybe come up with another name. Our grandparents are mom mom / pop pop (as are great grandparents), so giving her Nana was something different. Our other grandmother is still alive, but even if she wasn’t it would still be Nana. If they had married earlier, I would have had no issues calling her Nana either. She’s a better grandmother to me than the real one though…

Post # 25
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Catholic Church

My cousins call their non-biological  grandmother “Nanny First Name” and their two biological grandmothers “Nanny” and “Grandma”. You could go with something like that that indicates her level in the family tree but also shows that she’s a little different than a biological grandmother.

Post # 26
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am named after my mother’s mom and she died before I was born. I had always known that she was my grandma, and even though I never met her I heard tons of stories and I feel a certain connection to her regardless. I know she stays around me. My mom’s dad had remarried a women and although we all love her dearly, we never called her grandma…partially cause she is kind of young and really business professional and did not give out the grandma vibe at all! We just call her by her first name, but we know she loves us like grandchildren! I called all my other grandparents by “Grandma first name” ect so that’s how we distiguished it! 

Before my mom’s mom died, she had gotten remarried too and we are still in contact with my step grandpa, but we have always called him grandpa first name. 

Post # 27
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Dad’s father passed away when he was a little kid, his mother remarried when my dad was an adult–nice guy, but they didn’t have a parent-child relationship by any means.  I called both his father and step-father “grandpa” and context let you know who I was talking about.  I considered both men to be my grandfathers, loved them both, and felt connected to both–even though I obviously never met one of them.  If you grow up with it, you just accept it as normal. 

Post # 29
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My grandpa died when I was 8. My grandma got remarried a few years later, and we have always called her husband Bill, not grandpa. At the time, it would have been weird to call him grandpa when I had known my grandpa. However, I think if I had never known my grandpa and had always just known Bill, we probably would have called him grandpa. Sometimes now I wish we had just started calling him some form of grandpa because we have known him for so long at this point and it’s a little cold to call him by his first name. He loves us, and he is a grandpa to us, and it would be nice to acknowledge that in some way. So, long story short, I think you should definitely call your dad’s wife some form of grandma, whatever works best for you 🙂 

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