(Closed) Mom doesn't approve….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2229 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Why the rush? Can’t you just date for a while and see how it goes

Post # 33
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have had a general rule of thumb ever since my BFF hated my first boyfriend…if a close friend or close family member does not approve of a relationship I listened to them.  I dated a few guys before my husband and fortunately when my husband and I got serious I could tell my friends and my family loved him.  I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I would listen to your mom.  She has your best interests at heart and to be honest she has a hell of a lot more life experience than you.  Is a guy really worth losing a relationship with your mother?

Post # 34
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
katelynne :  You’ve only been dating this guy for a little over a year. That’s not a whole lot of time to experience what life is like with another person. It’s not a whole lot of time to experience them in a crisis or at a crossroads. Many people will tell you you’re still in the honeymoon phase and still have rose-colored glasses welded to your face.

You’re talking about being stable enough to make ends meet, which is great at 19, but you’ve barely started school and both of you will have a lot of personal growth that will happen between now and 25. I’m a totally different person now, and I’m sure a lot of bees will agree.

My aunt and uncle married a month after she graduated high school and are still going strong decades later. But they’re the exception rather than the rule, and frankly I don’t see the rush you’re in. If you know you’re going to be with this person for the rest of your life, what’s a couple more years before signing the papers? What specific benefits outweigh the pitfalls of marrying so soon?

Post # 35
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Hmmmm I know that I am a very different person now at age 30 than I was at 19.  I met my husband when he was 32, and frankly when he was 19 I would not have liked him at all.  

From what he told me about his youth, I would’ve been pretty put off by 19-year-old him. And he had showed no sign of changing trends until his mid-20s, when all of a sudden he stopped fucking around completely–held down a full time job, overtime, AND went to law school at night graduating top 10% of his class.  COMPLETE polar opposite from his college years, when he was getting fired from one crappy min-wage job after another, smoking pot and getting in fights at the bar.

A lot of things change in your 20s. You’re in love now but in 10 years you both will be very different people–people who still may be compatible, or who may not be.  

Post # 36
Member
3724 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You still haven’t mentioned what the rush is to get married unless I missed it somewhere. You say you may have to move once you graduate, but that’s a little ways away. 

Post # 37
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I guess my only concern is why the rush to get married. You are finishing school and a lot wil change for you in the next few years. Why can’t you date some more or even live together. If you still want to get married years down the line, then that option will always be there. In case things don’t work, then it will be a break up versus a divorce. 

 I’m 31 now and getting married next year. From my own experience, a LOT changes in your 20’s. My 31 year old self looks back at 19 year old me as almost a completely different person. If I had married my boyfriend of 7 years at the age of 21, we would have been divorced by now and I would probably be a single mom. 

Post # 38
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I say wait until you finish your college program before getting married. One, there’s no rush to do it before from what you posted about your plans for the next 4 years it seems. And two, give yourself time to grow with this guy. And by yourself. 

Following what others have posted, if I had married the guy I was dating at 19 (I’m 35)…I’d be married to a successful pediatric oncologist. Ooooh sounds good right? Except…we were good together, but not awesome. I’d be missing out on AWESOME together. Usually these stories are about oh my boyfriend turned out to be a loser blah blah blah. But they’re not always like that. Your boyfriend might be a perfectly decent guy who grows up to be s perfectly decent man. Just like my ex boyfriend was a perfectly decent guy and grew up to be a perfectly decent man. But we weren’t right for each other, not really. We dated from when I was 17 to when I was about 25 and I really thought the sun and moon rose with him. He was a very, very good boyfriend. But as we grew up I’ve realized that there were so many things that were just ‘ok’ between us. ‘Ok’ sex (but I didn’t know any better cuz we were both virgins when we started seeing each other), ‘ok’ communication, ‘ok’ intellectual compatibility. Of course at the time I thought it was ‘great’ but with time I’ve seen that I just didn’t know any better because I had no one to compare it to. 

So…just wait. If we’re all wrong and you guys are meant to be then it’ll just become an easier and easier decision to make as you finish college. If things start becoming more and more difficult than you will know that it can be different. 

Post # 39
Member
7930 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If you’re sure about each other, there’s no rush to marry. Graduate first.

Post # 40
Hostess
4592 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
FutureMrsBex :  I don’t see it either.  I moved 8 hours away after undergrad too, and my Fiance and I were not engaged/married at the time.  He still moved up with me; you can be in a serious relationship without being married. 

OP, if your Fiance loves you and says he’ll move with you when you graduate in 3 years (if you get the job across the country that you’re counting on, which is a lot to bank on, I have a lot of teacher friends and the market is tough), then you really don’t need to get married right away.  You haven’t been dating long; even if you weren’t 19 I would suggest dating longer to make sure you are right for each other.  Everyone is “the one” in the honeymoon stage, it’s so crucial to go through hard times together.

Post # 41
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

View original reply
katelynne :  it’s you life go for it, you can always get divorced !! 

Thats what my friends said when my mum didn’t want me to get married, met him at 17 got a house at 19 got engaged at 20 got married at 23 got divorced at 35.  Just for the record I thought I would be married for life.  But after 18 years we grew up and grew apart.  

You might make it, but probability says you probably won’t, sorry bee your mum is great, despite knowing it will upset you she is being a mum, putting your future first ……. Go mum!! 

Post # 42
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

I’ll throw in my two cents.

I’m happy to see you’ve got so much going for you! College/Uni is exciting! I’m looking to go back myself. 

I never got the school of thought that marrying your first love is inherently a bad idea. I met my SO at 15 and we’ve been together since I was 16. I’ve had many opportunities to grow and change and mature. If you’re living with somebody who limits your growth, that’s just a bad relationship. At any age. 

On the other hand: SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IT’S INSANE. I’ve been living with him since I was 19. To be perfectly transparent, I was fleeing a bad situation and I’ve just kind of stuck I guess😅. So I’ve been in that serious relationship at your age. I feel you have to be so stable and cohesive as an individual first in order to make a relationship work in the long term. That’s not to say it can’t be done when you’re young. But the vast majority of people your age just don’t have the experience or maturity.

In the five years since I started living with SO, we’ve started college, graduated, moved six times (including when he lived abroad in Paris), found jobs, been laid off, dealt with unemployment, lived with my parents, found independence and employment again, had our views on sex and politics changed, had second sexual awakenings, dealt with incapacitating mental illness, nearly broke up, mended our relationship, reconsidered careers, bought a car, bought pets, adopted pets, had fights about the pets, dealt with death, dealt with disappointment, dealt with health issues, etc. Etc. ETC. I love him and intend to marry him, but having to go through all that while legally bound to him would have an inverse effect and splintered my resolve! Your early adult years can be so tumultuous and crazy and amazing and even if you have a life plan, everything can change in a matter of days.

I’ve now had time to see the best and worst of him. We have figured out how to complement and support each other. We’ve had the realization that we’ll always be in a state of fluidity and never be static. Keeping good a relationship isn’t about holding fast to what you thought life would be and never straying. That learn to nod and say ‘Yes dear’ bull that they give you on your wedding day. It’s about learning how to cope with each other’s changes. Accepting the constant state of flux that is life. Unconditional love isn’t just about loving despite flaws. It’s also about loving even when nothing goes according to your plans. 

So it’s not so much about age. The question you have to ask yourself is: With your experience, and knowing how much everything is about to change, are you willing to consider all that? Are you willing to bet a marriage on it? Are you equipped to?

Whew. Sorry shit got intense. 

Post # 43
Hostess
9735 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Why don’t you wait until you’re finished with school to get married? I’m not sure if you’re receiving financial aid, but a marriage (extra income) will certainly impact that. Have you thought about the financial consequences of marriage at this age?

Post # 44
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Hey! So I’m a little different in that I am engaged to the guy I was dating at 19 lol Neither of us really planned it  this way but he’s my absolute best friend and when you’re having a blast, you don’t really notice things like 7 years flying by. We’re engaged now at 25 and 26 and get hit with the, “What took you so long?” comments ALL. THE TIME. The thing is though, if we had gotten engaged at 19, despite being fincially stable, having our own apartments, having full scholarships, and fully supporting each other, things would have been so much harder for us than they are now. I hesitate to say that we would’ve made it because I doubt we would’ve.

Still, as an unengaged couple, I dragged that poor boy all over the state of Texas, we both took our relationship as seriously as if we had been engaged and it worked. Now, even though I know we’re still young by a lot of standards, we feel ready. We have 7 1/2 supremely challenging years under our belt and I have my own full support as well as that of everyone around me. 

I’m rambling now and I’m so sorry but the point is: if you think you’re ready to get married, then go for it. But you can also experience the world with him not married too, grow together, then get married down the line. Ya’ll have been together a year and the time has probably flown by. I promise the next 5 + feel the same way (if not faster!) Ultimately, no one can make the call but you. Some people say that if you know, why wait? I always figured you should be able to answer the opposite question, too, especially if you’re on the younger side: If you’re so sure, why NOT wait? 

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