Post # 1
Because we already live together. We’re living in sin, so what’s the point of a religious ceremony? She says there’s no reason to go the traditional route if we’ve already broken tradition.
Why would she go “yeah, let’s shop for a wedding dress” and “I want to pay for your wedding, regardless of the cost” when she doesn’t think I “deserve” to get married anyway?
Post # 3
@cyneswith: I can relate. My mom is still not speaking to me since we moved in together in August. I am a bit doubtful that she’ll come to the wedding. She wasn’t committed to coming even before we moved in together (we’re getting married in Mexico).
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I can’t even imagine how frustrating her reaction must be. I’m afraid that I don’t have any particularly helpful advice other than the thought that sometimes people need some time to process ‘disappointment’ (not that what you’re doing is disappointing, it isn’t, but it sounds like that’s how she feels).
I’m holding a good thought for you that she comes around.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Of course you deserve to get married and have a beautiful wedding. Don’t let your mother’s attitude and antiquated ideas ruin this for you. Hopefully she’ll get over herself and be more supportive.
Slightly related story: When my Fiance told one of his co-workers that we had just gotten engaged, the co-worker said, “Oh, good, so you’re not living in sin anymore.”!!! My Fiance said, “Well, we’re not maried yet, just engaged, so technically, we’re still ‘living in sin'”
Post # 6
My aunt felt the same way about her daughter who just got married. We all (even my mom who is fairly religious and disapproves of me having just moved in with my boyfriend) thought it was ridiculous to refuse to pay for a wedding that would fix the very thing to which she objected. It turned out later that my aunt is probably having financial problems in her retirement. Not to say that she was in love with the idea of her daughter “living in sin” but that there was something more behind her comments. That may be the case for you. Are you parents married? Try talking to your dad about how you feel. And if she feels that way – at least enjoy getting to make the decisions yourself.
Post # 7
My parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary this year. Their church has a policy where no one professionally affiliated with the church can officiate for a couple who has lived together before marriage. If the church can say people don’t deserve marriage, so can my mom. My mom is OFFERING to pay for the whole thing, and keeps pushing more expensive options, but she’s saying she wants to pay for it while saying we’ve already broken tradition one way and don’t really deserve this one. She doesn’t get why I’d want to be married if we already have sex.
Post # 8
I guess I don’t get this. I would think that she’d be all for a wedding. You and your Fiance are planning to “fix” your situation. Maybe it would help to explain it to her that way?
And I totally don’t get their church’s stance on the issue. Yes, I can understand that they do not approve of cohabitation. But to refuse marriage to anyone who has ever done so? Idk, call me crazy, it seems like they are saying “You have sinned, so you can’t be forgiven.” I realize that probably is not their intent, but that’s how it feels to me. You’d think they’d be happy to welcome a formerly cohabitating couple who WANTS to now be married.
Post # 9
Ugh, so frustrating when parents can’t get with the program and understand the societal choices we have made in our generation. You know what the point of your marriage is? Dedicating your lives to one another. And there are so many, MANY, MAAAAAAANNNNYY more important moral standards to hold yourself to than abstaining from pre-marital sex. It’s like she thinks sex is the most important thing, ever – she is completely writing off every other amazing thing you’ve done with your life because of it. Why would you want to get married since you’ve already had sex? BECAUSE SEX ISN’T THE BE ALL END ALL OF A RELATIONSHIP, THAT’S WHY!! (ahem, quiets down).
How ridiculous is that?!
Post # 10
It sucks when someone so important like a parent doesn’t approve or support your marriage plans. My mom is very religious too but has gotten over the whole living in sin and premarital sex thing. I’m an encore bride, so when I went shopping for a dress, i took my mom with me and her comment was “why not just wear your old one, it’s not like your gonna stay married long anyway”. My mom is way up in years and has early dementia, but it still hurt. However, I know she has her way of being and so I just laugh it off and proceed forward. My mom isn’t paying for the wedding, but will be there. Sometimes you just have to decide what to share with them and know that they have their way of thinking and nothing you do will change it. Just plan away and don’t let it get you down, you deserve your wedding, don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.