Post # 1
Just got off the phone with yet another awkward conversation with my mom about my wedding. She moved to the US in the 70’s so I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but she seems completely baffled by our fairly traditional wedding. She seems embarrassed and keeps saying that it’s over the top and asking me if other people have things like bachelorette parties, if other people have 150 guests, rehearsal dinners, and if other people have weddings outside the bride’s hometown that other people travel to, etc.
I keep giving her examples of all of my friends, YES…showers, bachelorette, rehearsal dinner… it’s all within the range of what’s considered normal and traditional as far as I know. It’s confusing, because has she not seen any of these shows on TV or looked through a magazine? FI thinks she’s just playing at being ignorant about it so she can make little “digs” at me to make me feel bad, and that could be it too.. anyone else have parents that don’t understand American weddings? She says she can’t understand how I’m spending so much time on it, but obviously she’s not any help..
Post # 5
Honestly, neither do I. And the more I think about them, the less I “get” them.
….but why does she have to? It’s ok that she doesn’t, isn’t it?
Post # 6
I kind of have the same situation, my mom also came to America in the 70s and I remember attending a few wedding with her as a kid but they were all hosted by people from the same country as her so I don’t think she ever got a real idea of how the do things here. Her idea of modern American wedding comes from all the reality TV shows she watches so she thinks they should all be like David Tutera weddings which makes this difficult when would rather have very offbeat style wedding. It’s really frustrating to try to non-floral bouquets and tea length dresses to someone who expecting a field of flowers and a grand ball gown.
Post # 7
@waitingwonderland: thanks! i love to learn a little about what people of the international world think of our customs. i have no idea what a traditional korean wedding, indian wedding, russian wedding, etc is like and i’m sure there will be some things that i don’t “get” but hey… it’s another culture. you just get with it. so get with it mom! 🙂
like tea… i believe in japanese culture, they drink tea at the altar. i’m sure there’s a reason… just seems rather odd, as an american, to have tea at that moment. but i still find it fascinating because it’s so different than what i’m used to.
Post # 8
Perhaps steer her towards the blog section of Weddinbee, (or print out the blogs of some of your favourite Bees if she isn’t too internet savvy) there are heaps of examples there that show just how common this all is.
Post # 9
If it makes you feel any better my mom was born and raised here and doesn’t “get it”!! The first conversation we had about financial details of the wedding she goes “you guys aren’t spending much more than $4,000 on this right?” Then when I told her the guest list alone was at 200 people and the cost per a head would put me well over that number, all she kept telling me was that there shouldn’t be more than 70 people invited!!!! I keep telling her to not worry about the financials as me and FH are paying for the whole thing. She thinks I’m going over the top (and I swear I’m not!!) She also doesn’t get why my bridesmaids are doing a whole weekend for the bachelorette or why there are so many people invited to the bridal shower…
I don’t think she has been to a wedding in the last decade so maybe that’s why she is so clueless. Or maybe it’s a generation thing…
Post # 10
I mean, it would be cool if she wanted to add some tradition from her background, but she seems to think all weddings that involve more than just the minimum ceremony & family are a big waste of money. She and my dad just went to the court house. Maybe that’s another reason she refuses to enjoy this. But it could be cultural, I really don’t know, I’m only half korean and wasn’t raised in a community with any other korean people. I’m not sure if I should send her some articles or a DVD or something, or if her confusion is really sincere.. if it’s not, then bombarding her with wedding stuff would probably be more annoying than helpful.
Post # 11
@SagHarborBride: that is exactly how my dad is! He was born in america so there’s no excuse..but he definitely hasn’t been to many weddings recently. He thinks a wedding is at a church, followed by some cake & punch. So as you can see, no help from him with mom..haha
Post # 12
@waitingwonderland: I mean, they aren’t wrong, right? Your dad’s version is different from your mom’s is different from Reality TV’s… but it’s your wedding so you get to do it your way…and it’s ok that they don’t totally get it, right? As long as they’re supportive of your marriage, that’s what matters!
Post # 13
Ugh we have the same problem with parents not understanding the wedding process! Except the parents seem to think this is about them instead of us and want *daily* updates on the wedding planning…. even though it’s pretty low key so there really isn’t a lot of planning left. i really wanted to find a a basic book about “american” weddings to help them out, but i can’t seem to find anything short and sweet. What’s worked for me is citing to the etiquette book whenever they come up with an idea they won’t let go of that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the wedding….so far they’ve been the most confused about the registry.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@waitingwonderland: Aside from reminding her that you are having an American style wedding, why don’t you ask her what a traditional Korean wedding look like? Maybe she is disappointed that you aren’t embracing your Korean background with a Korean style wedding. She will eventually get over it but I think a conversation would at least help you two better understand each other. Also, having her watch some episodes of some American wedding shows may help her put things in perspective.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
P.S. I got a better understanding from reading Honolulu by Alan Brennert. It details the life of a Korean girl who becomes a mail order bride. For her the wedding was even less than a courthouse wedding. I was under the impression that Korea was so economically depressed (due to the Japanese occupation) that an elaborate wedding ceremony/celebration never developed culturally. Korea really has an interesting history.
Post # 16
I’m French/Australian, and have lived in the US, UK and Australia…and sorry, I’m also in the ‘don’t get US weddings’ camp.
Here we don’t have bridal showers, or rehearsal dinners. The bride-to-be usually organises her own hen party (bachelorette). I read on here yesterday about a member of a bridal party that was looking at spending $1000 this month on her friend’s wedding. That’s more than most people here would pay for a week’s holiday abroad!