- 3 years ago
<div class=”content”>I recently moved from my mother’s town to my fiance’s hometown, about 7 hours away by car. I am in my 30’s. We moved for my fiance’s job offer, which was very good. We also moved in with his parents for a while to save money for a house. Plus I could only get a part time job, and we had to rebuild our finances after both taking financial hits for various reasons.
It has been incredible difficult for me to communicate with my mother since she found out we were moving. She cried for a long time when I first told her the news I’d be moving. She would not talk about it with me when I tried to bring it up later. I’ve been moved for about 2 months now. I have called 2-3 times each week since I moved. She has not called once. Many times she sounded lethargic and uninterested to talk to me on the phone, which always left me feeling down. But I continued to call because I wanted to keep the lines of communication open. We recently had an in -person visit which was nice and I thought she turned a corner. I did my best to reassure her she was the very best mother and mentioned that I don’t even see my mother in law that much,which is true.
Last night on the phone we were talking about my wedding plans, and where I would be staying (was trying to decide on a hotel vs bed and breakfast for the weekend). When she found out we may still be living here, she told me as long as I’m living with my future in laws, she will not visit me and I should not expect to have a relationship with her. I promptly said “okay, I have to go now, bye” because I was shocked she could say those things to me, and extremely hurt. I felt panicked. I sent an email to her the next morning simply stating that I understood she would not be visiting me and I wanted to make sure I understood the expectations – I also asked to clarify what she said after that, asking if she really said I should not expect a relationship with her – noting that I wanted to be sure I understood what was said on the phone.
I then got a VERY long response. She did not offer an apology for the hurtful words. She did say that my email sounded accusatory and she felt that I was just looking for a way to keep her out of my life. Some more things she said included: my fiance’s mom will surely replace her; she felt I was keeping secrets from her but letting my fiance’s mom in on the info; her dreams are now broken; we will never be close again; since they’re aging we won’t be able to visit often or be close or see their grandkids; that I can’t hang up the phone when I hear things I don’t like; she has felt like the 3rd wheel since she I moved in to the in laws house. Many of these things are fears she is making up in her head that have not happened. At the same time, my heart hurts for her at the pain she must be feeling, and I want to be able to do something to help her feel better (I’ve always been a people pleaser…). But the only way to fix this is to either move back home OR move out of the in laws house before we’re financially stable. And I can’t and won’t do either of those things, because they are not reasonable things to do. I believe she would rather us move out and be strained financially rather than do what is responsible for our situation. How is that loving? So I feel like I lose in this situation.</div>
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<div class=”content”>I’ll note that my dad doesn’t agree with my mom about refusing to visit me while I’m living here. And I don’t think he appreciates her making that decision for them both.
I will also note she said some very positive things, such as noting that I just started a career endeavor that will hopefully succeed, positive things to say about my fiance, and that although she is having a hard time accepting my life changes, she wants me to live life in a way that is right for me and that makes me happy.
I informed my dad of what was going on, since she keeps things from him and I needed support. He understood my feelings and noted that what my mom said was damaging. He actually said my mom was being very obsessive about the fact I’m living with the mother in law, and almost delusional in thinking I am keeping information from her and sharing it with my future mother in law instead. I’ll mention that OCD runs in our family and she become obsessive at times about things she fears.
I then sent a note simply asking if she’d like to set a day/time that works for us both when we can discuss what happened the last few days. Her response was that she needed some time before we talking, but then in the same email mentioned something about the wedding plans (not anything negative, just giving me an idea for save the dates). So, I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I made a move and I’ll wait until she reaches out, if she does. Now the ball is in her court.
I am incredibly frustrated because despite me making every effort to keep her informed of my life here (phone calls, sending photos, emails, getting the amtrack rewards card and telling her that to let her know I can visit more often with cheaper trips, setting up skype for her to use with me (although she refuses to use it) and even a visit), she will NOT believe my words that I love her and plan to visit and all that stuff. It’s like she believes I do not love her anymore and am abandoning her, when I am just living my life. I don’t understand her intense jealousy of the mother in law, who she doesn’t even know, and making claims that I’m keeping secrets from her…I don’t even know what to do with those comments because it’s crazy talk to me.</div>
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<div class=”content”>Why can’t she just accept this change? It’s okay to be sad about it, but taking things to this extreme leaves me perplexed and now it’s driving me crazy. I’m also pretty angry that she refuses to even consider visiting me as long as I’m living here. It feels very punitive, and like she feels that I must pay a price for this choice. It feels as though, as long as I’m here, she is taking it extremely personal and punishing me by refusing to visit. How is that right? Do I just accept that? Do I refuse to visit her as well then? I already have holiday tickets books for visiting. Now I don’t even feel like making an effort, since she clearly will not, as she stated.</div>