(Closed) Mom extremely jealous of mother in law

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Sounds so manipulative. These situations have me do the opposite, I start to pull away. She needs time, I’d give her time. She doesn’t want to visit, ok then. She doesn’t call, then you dont talk.

Post # 3
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Pyboo15 :  Has she even visited you while you’re with your in-laws? Does she have any reason to even think she’ll be “replaced”?

Anyway, you’re over 30 for goodness’ sake! You’re an adult and your mother gets no say in who you live with. I agree with scissorgirl :  that she’s being manipulative. Bottom line: don’t let your mother’s manipulation affect where you choose to live.

I would still visit her. Especially for the sake of your dad.

Post # 5
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Pyboo15 :  it sounds like she might have issues with depression, OCD, anxiety, etc. That doesn’t make your hurt feelings any less hurt (and rightfully so!) nor does it excuse her behavior. I’d talk to your dad and see if he’d be up for family counseling. Anything to get her in to see a professional who could help identify why she’s behaving this way… but this is absolutely not about your Mother-In-Law or you. Your mom seems like she has abandonment fantasies and she needs to talk to someone about it. 

Post # 6
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

To be honest, I don’t think she’s as crazy as you describe her to be. I think she might just have separation anxiety or be very very insecure about losing her daughter. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I don’t have a solution to offer, but I do think that time would definitely help. Even though she says she refuses to have a relationship with you if you stay at your MIL’s place, continue to contact her and visit her. Let her know that whatever negative thoughts she’s having as a result of you living with your Mother-In-Law simply isn’t true. I feel like some older people just have a very big ego and instead of facing their feelings of being hurt and sad, they need to cover it up and act tough and angry, which in many cases can be perceived as a power play.

The arrangements do seem temporary so perhaps things will change once you move out of your Mother-In-Law. 

Good luck

Post # 7
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the PP – time really does help. When I moved in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend, my mom called me to tell me I was out of the family because I “wanted out” for a long time. This was because we have a very small one bedroom apartment and I told my little sister that she couldn’t live with us. 

She was absolutely ridiculous, and the truth is that she felt threatened and uncomfortable that my Boyfriend or Best Friend is successful (she told me this – that I “found the guy to get me out of my ‘bad’ situation.” My mom has anxiety and isn’t the most mentally stable, and this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this. 

It was incredibly hurtful, and I admit I really let her have it. We didn’t speak for a few weeks, but after time passed we talked again, and now she’s a huge fan of my guy (2 years later).

Time really does help things!

Post # 8
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Pyboo15 :  You may be a better person than me, because if someone acted like that with me, mother or not, I would tell them they could talk to me again when they came to their senses.  I wouldn’t put up with the emotional manipulation. Honestly, it kind of made me mad to read that.  It isn’t fair for you to have to shoulder the burden of her feelings.  It isn’t fair to your new life that she made it about her instead of about your new start.  It isn’t fair to your Fiance or his family that she feels resentment towards them. 

I sat in the car as my ex’s dad delivered close to the same speech on as we drove home from my brothers confirmation which just happened to be on the same day as Mother’s Day.  A whole speech about picking my family over his family.  It is petty, manipulative, and cruel.  I still wish I made him hang up the phone because it made a good day into a bad day in 15 minutes.  

In your place, I would write one final email, asking your mom to get help (therapy for possible OCD issues) and that you can talk again after that.  But I am again, not nearly as nice. 

Post # 9
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

Parents on either side have a tendency to freak out and realize that they’re going to loose their baby!

Keep your head down and focus on the task at hand because you sound incredibly educated and methodical in your plans. You’re trying to start your marriage off on the right foot (not in debt) and saving money by living with other family allows for that while making a career move for your Fiance. This has nothing to do with doing what your Fiance wants, Mother-In-Law wants, etc… it’s based on the needs of the family and it’s helping you out in the long run. So rest assured- you’re not a bad kid. 

I’m like you where time may be what she needs, I’d worry that it’ll allow her to fester in her thoughts/feelings which was incorrect of the actual situation. I’m glad you talked to your dad about the communication gap. There were times in wedding planning I had to call my dad to ask him to get involved because things were nuts with my mom and I. It makes no sense. 

She’s acting childish and manipulative…call her on her bluff. If you enable her actions though you’ll be dealing with it in the future again for another reason. Make efforts to visit her when you can, offer to call during your lunch break if she doesn’t like when you’re at home. She needs to realize change is happening and it’s all good. One day she’ll realize she’ll lose you for good if she doesn’t learn to compromise. She’ll be on good behavior when you visit and maybe you need to go at least once with your Fiance to have family time. 

And I don’t say this rudely… but is she retired, sick, old… etc? Maybe she needs to be on antidepressents to remove these thoughts? My mom has been out of work for over 2 years and waiting for disability to come in for a physical problem. So she’s at home ALL day, by herself… perception in your mind becomes reality regardless of the truth. It’s hard not to become depressed about things. It may alleviate issues. 

Post # 10
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I am now estranged from my Mother. Part of the reason is her controlling, manipulative behaviour. Through high school and college I was close with the Mothers of a few boyfriends I had, and a few friends. My Mom would go INSANE about this!

Example One: I was really good friends with this girl through high school, and went over to her house a lot so I got to know her Mom. One time I called her house and she wasn’t home. Her Mom answered the phone and we had a plesant 10 minute chat. When my Mom found out about this she FREAKED OUT and accused me of hiding things from her…and for weeks afterwords would only speak to me if I offered her a piece of gossip or ‘juice’ about my life.

Example Two: The Mother of my high school sweetheart invited me to go shopping with her. I was 17, going on 18 at the time and had been dating this guy for years. My Mom flat out banned me from going. She also banned me from going over to their house for dinner for THREE MONTHS in an attempt to curb the ‘deviant relationship’ I was developing with his Mother.

Example Three: When I was 19 or 20 I went out for lunch with the Mother of the guy I was dating at the time. When my Mom found out she LOST IT! My boyfriend’s poor, confused Mother even tried calling my Mom to talk to her and clear the air, but it only made things worse! My Mom actually went out of her way to break me and the guy up so I wouldnt be able to hang out with his Mom anymore.

I could go on…..

Post # 11
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Pyboo15 :  no she doesn’t get to claim OCD. It’s a serious slap in the face for those of us who were diagnosed, live in hell with it and yet the undiagnosed get to cry about it. Its cruel and nothing other than simple manipulation. Cut her out and watch how fast that supposed OCD goes away. That is a debilitating illness. I wish you the best. Good luck. 

Post # 12
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your mom sounds like a f*cking baby. Like seriously, who has time for this drama? Mom or not, bye felicia.

Post # 13
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

My mom was jealous of everything. Even that Darling Husband & I bought a house in the same large town as Mother-In-Law, even though it was on the other side of town, and I spent lots more time at my moms house than at MILs. 

Thank God that my Mother-In-Law was not the cougar type, not a MILF, who didn’t get Botox or shop at “fancy” stores. Or I would never have heard the end of it.

Even when I was a kid, my mom would question me about the moms of my friends, mostly were they “cute” and she would make grumbling remarks if they had a job or were younger than her. I took to saying deprecating things about them, so my mom would be appeased and leave me alone about it. 

Post # 14
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

my mother does this… just ignore it, pity parties are rarely fun

 

it actually gets really funny because my mom accuses me of all this crazy stuff with the inlaws (like plotting against her and my side of the family) and I dont even like my inlaws, I never see them and havent spoke to Mother-In-Law in 6 years, I just happen to live in a similar geographical location lol

sometimes she has rant then tries to prove them and comes up looking like a moron because often the opposit is true (like accusing me of going out to dinner with Mother-In-Law when I ‘never go out with her or my family’ and then finding out in laws weren’t even in the country at the time undecided) and everyone can see shes nuts but shes oblivious to how crazy she gets… it wouldnt annoy me so much but when I try to involve her in anything she blows me off then blames me for the fact we dont do stuff together, I cant ever win

Post # 15
Member
3395 posts
Sugar bee

Your mom could benefit from a lot of counseling. 

The topic ‘Mom extremely jealous of mother in law’ is closed to new replies.

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