Post # 16
Maybe the best thing to do is ask her what SHE thinks you should do. What’s her solution to all this? If she says ‘I want you to move out’, then ask if she’ll pay your rent, because right now you’re not able to pay. Maybe if she has to solve it, and sees that the choices you’ve made are the best ones, she’ll be happier.
Of course, when you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, and other emotional issues, they don’t always choose the ‘logical’ answer. You might have to just realize that there may never be any pleasing her – and that’s her problem, not yours, as hard as that is (I have a similar mother – so I really do understand!)
Post # 17
From my experience with a difficult mother they never apologise, so don’t expect it, and are completely irrational but think they have a right to be because of mother status.
I think trying to contact her and desperately wanting to make up with her is reinforcing her behaviour as it is validating her and her status. Maybe pull back a bit and if she misses you she’ll hopefully try to make more of an effort. Having to do the same with mine. She has been quite nasty recently about wedding related stuff. Starting to realise it’s not really the wedding that’s bothering her (and for you the living with your in laws) but that it’s a focus for whatever else is going on and unfortunately your the punching bag!
Post # 18
Wait, she doesn’t know your fmil? And you are living in this stranger’s home? And you expect her to visit you there? Talk about AWKWARD……….. sorry but I’m not the jealous type and I wouldn’t be comfortable with visiting you there either. And I am not going to travel for hours just to sit in a restaurant for a meal.
I don’t doubt that there are other issues, and I would never try to guilt trip one of my children, that’s wrong of her. But as much as I love and support my sons I would never be willing to visit them when they are guests in someone else’s home. Now if my son’s fmil extended the invitation I would consider it. Otherwise I would feel like I was showing up without an invitation.
Post # 19
I dont have much advise except to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. As I read your post, I felt bad for you and believe it or not, also for your mother. None of us are perfect creatures and this is a way ( a very shitty way) of her expressing the pain she’s feeling in her heart of being away from you.
During this entire time while she’s acting like a pouty child, i suggest you continue taking the high road ( as it seems you have been). This time will pass, you will eventually settle into your own home and you will be proud of how you handled this situation. Hopefully she too will learn to be better …. based on how she’s behaving now and how mature you’re being towards her.
I know shes being difficult and annoying but I think eventually she will settle down and see the error of her ways. Very nice of you for being the mature daughter. I hope for both of your sakes, she can let this go and be nicer about this whole situation.
Meanwhile, until you get your own place, I would go visit your parents at their house when you can and spend quality time with them. Life is too short to hold onto grudges, especially when it’s your own family.
Post # 20
Your mom sounds a lot like mine (manipulative, passive aggressive, delusional, etc). I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. This is emotional blackmail. I used to fall for it from my mom when I was in my 20’s and younger, but then a therapist said to me: “you are an adult and so is she.” For some reason that just made something click for me, where I finally understood it was not my job to bend at my mother’s irrational whims to make her happy. She is responsible for herself and her own happiness. Please remember that and don’t cave or let your mom make you sad or anxious. The book Co-dependent No More really helped me to learn to seperate my mother’s emotions from my own.
Post # 21
if she’s anything like my mom there’s not much you can do, she’ll believe what she wants to believe.
Like you said, she’s jealous, IMO jealous has to be the one emotion that can take away a persons logic and rational thinking. Best I can suggest is send her messages, including her in what’s going on with you, and give her time. She’ll either come around or she won’t. Cold as it may sound, I wouldn’t spend a great amount of time and effort trying to change her thinking, I did so way to much with relatives of mine and never really changed much.
you can learn from my mistake and focus on your new life and all that is ahead of you, and include your mom from time to time. Hopefully it will all be good enough for her eventually.
Post # 22
A lot of good advice here. Some sad stories, too.
I just found a new therapist, which is really good for me right now due to what’s going on. She is helping me learn to stay more grounded, so when my mom acts that way, I can be less reactive.
I know it’s also silly, but, given all of this I feel GUILTY actually spending quality/fun time with the future in laws, knowing how my mom is feeling. I know that is an example of unhealthy boundaries…right…gotta work on that.
Post # 23
I can relate to the jealousy re: Mother-In-Law, especially the guilt. I find myself downplaying social activities or hiding gifts from my mom, because I know she’ll feel jealous/guilty as well. I have no advice but just letting you know you’re not alone.