(Closed) Mom hates fiance and convinces family to hate him too :'(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

As hard as it is if your mom doesn’t want to talk about it then don’t. And if you and your Fiance know that he did nothing wrong then let this thing with your mom go.

I do have a hard time believing that your mom just all of a sudden went bat-shit crazy, and that your Fiance has done absolutely nothing wrong because even your brother has a problem with him. But, like I said, you will never know if your mom won’t talk to you, and you just don’t need to include her in your big day because at this point, yeah she does sound kind of crazy.

Sorry I can’t be of more help, but it is just kind of an unrealistic situation…hopefully with some distance between you and your mom, she may come to her senses and talk to you once she is calmed down. Or if other family has your back maybe they will speak to her at some point to ask what’s going on.

Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m going to agree with megz06 above – it seems like there is something missing from your story. If you and your Mom got on so wonderfully prior to all this, there had to be something bigger that was the catalyst for her behaviour. Aside from what you described (the issue on vacation about having to leave early), what other interactions could have caused her to view your fiance in this way??

I really feel for you – this must be incredibly hard for you and your Fiance. I’m not sure what advice I can give aside from that it might be helpful for you and your Mom to seek some sort of therapy as advised by your sister. If you can’t sit down and have an honest conversation about this stuff, then perhaps having an un-biased party facilitate a discussion might be the best option.

Post # 5
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Couple of things… like megz06, I find it a bit weird that everyone was one big happy family then suddenly no one likes your fiance.  If it’s one or two people who don’t like someone (especially a SO), that’s just down to personality differences and I wouldn’t pay it any mind. But if it’s everyone, then I’d have to take a long hard look at the family, the friends and the fiance. This may mean having a candid discussion with your mother (choose your words wisely). Find out exactly what he has done to upset her. Ask for specifics and not just emotion and drama.  If your family really is taking their cues from your mother, and your mother has lost her brain temporarily, you’ll have to make a (possibly painful) choice between him and them, but if that day comes, you really need to draw a line and stick to it. You can’t try to be loyal to these two opposing sides because you will just get caught in the middle for years.

And it could be that your mother is on to something, and maybe you are overlooking some major character flaw in your fiance, so you may need to be brutally honest with yourself.

I just know that, if everyone is saying he is a bad guy AND they can give good reasons for feeling that way, it’s probably wise to at least consider what they are saying. When we get emotionally involved, we become accepting of our partners’ flaws, sometimes to our own detriment, and if everyone sees a flaw that I do not, then that’s a red flag to me.

Finally, if it comes to it, there is nothing in the catholic faith that says you cannot live with your fiance before marriage. You just can’t have sex. Get separate bedrooms if you need. If your fiance really is the good man you see him to be, and your mother and family have really all gone nuts, then you may be best off severing ties with them, and living with your fiance.  Merely sharing a roof is not a sin.

Post # 6
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Please stop saying that someone behaving in a cruel or strange way means they ‘must have bipolar disorder’. I have bipolar disorder, it’s absolutely devastating and very hard work to mange, it doesn’t mean I treat people like cr*p and I find it very offensive that you assume your mothers mean behaviour equates to the mental illness I have to deal with every day.

You having a bad time of it doesn’t mean you can be discriminatory and rude about people with mental health issues.

Post # 7
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

To be honest though, if you are going to marry this man then you need to have his back and stick up to your mom.

I think if you want to be treated like an adult and have your mom respect your relationship with Fiance you ned to start acting like an adult. Pay your own bills, plan the wedding. If your mom doesn’t change her ways let her know that she will not be welcome at the wedding as you only want those who support your relationship there. Have relationships with the rest of your family on your own, it might not be going out ontheir boat, but you can still hang out with your siblings and you dad. 

 

Post # 8
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Titania26: Quoted for truth.  I’m also bipolar and it really angers me when people trot out the ‘he/she must be bipolar’ when someone acts like a b*****d.

Regarding your problem, I’m having the same issues – to a lesser extent – with my Future Father-In-Law.  He believes I didn’t behave as he would have liked on a family weekend away…and has more or less ignored me ever since.  It’s now well over 18 months ago.  

I visited the Future In-Laws over Christmas 2011 and he spent most of the weekend in their bedroom.  I told Fiance afterwards that at the age of 43, I’m not having my behavour judged by anyone….I wouldn’t tolerate it from my own father, let alone his.  When his father gets treatment for his diagnosed depression, then maybe I’ll visit again.

Unless there is some major issue that you’ve left out of your OP, you may need to accept that if you want to be with this man, your mother may never approve.  My paternal grandmother never approved of my mother….and she did her best to cope with it.  Wasn’t pleasant for her, but in the end it was all she could do. 

Post # 9
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well your mom doesn’t sound like she is handling whatever is going down very mature to start off with. 

I am curious to understand more about why during a trip it ended so sourly? That will make everything much easier to discuss and make sense of. If it was truly nothing and you believe mental illness  is involved then thats a whole different ball game and you should be focusing on getting her the help she needs!

Post # 10
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I agree with other posters, something doesn’t seem right. How could a mature adult woman who loves you unconditionally just suddenly start treating you and your Fiance so poorly? My sister was sort of like this with my bf until I finally asked her what her deal was. Basically she told me her concerns and I told her I heard her and we’d try to make her feel more comfortable, but that she needed to give respect to receive it as well. Anyway, this won’t get fixed without talking about it. 

If you truly believe without a doubt that your Fiance is a good man, then back him up and ask your mom why her behavior changed so radically. 

Also regarding the bipolar stuff, I don’t think she meant it in a way to offend anyone. I think she just meant that her attitude changed very fast with no clear reason for it. Bipolar disorder is very serious and those of you that have it and are managing it I have so much respect for. 

Post # 12
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@JKL2013:  This sounds like the situation I had with my sister. We were best friends (or so I thought) and in business together and everything was fine until one day when I told her No…it went downhill fast after that.

I’ve realized looking back that I had always just gone along with what she wanted and the times that I expressed a different view than her she would manipulate or guilt me into finally agreeing with her. When my ex left, I was determined to take my life back but the more I expressed my thoughts, opinions and independency the more angry she got. In the end it destroyed our relationship and I no longer have any contact with her.

For those that don’t understand how this could just happen, believe me it does. OP is showing her independence and siding with someone other than her mother who has been her ‘best’ friend for years so her mother is getting angry.

OP, I would suggest you find someone to talk to…a counsellor or something…it helps just to be able to talk and to understand that you are not responsible for someone else’s behavior.

Post # 13
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m sorry if I got snippy. I suspected that you meant ‘changeable behaviour’ when you used bipolar as a shorthand, but the mood swings in bipolar are very much different from someone who is just angry and erratic. I know you didn’t mean offense, but it’s very hurtful to see someone equate what is normal flawed human behaviour with a medical condition. But thank you for apologizing and taking it on board.

Post # 14
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mom can be this way as well.  It is weird and I think it gives them something to live for.  Something to complain about, something to talk about.  I totally get how it can go from good to horrid in a day.  With my mom it typically passes quickly but sometimes not.  I have a childhood best friend…she got into heroin 15 yrs ago, has stolen, been violent etc.  I cut off ties and recently someone posted on FB a pic of her in recovery.  I was so happy to see her normal again.  Mom wasn’t speaking to me for an entire day because I posted this pic. Undecided  “She called me names 8 yrs ago!  How could you!?”  lol.  Believe me…I get what you are dealing with.  (sorry for the thread hijack!)

My Fiance is strong as well and will not take my mom or step dads bull.  He’s a Southern Man  in every sense and when he’s overly nice, painting, building, carrying boxes, he’s a saint.  When he’s grumpy from working 12+ hr days, he’s an a$$hole.  I ignore it unless it’s hurt his feeling – in those cases I have his back.  You have to be strong for your man.  If everyone else (coworkers, friends) see you 2 as a happy couple and he’s done nothing wrong then you have to support him.  Ignore your mom and be casual about it.  If she see’s there is no drama – no complaining – no begging – she will move on to the next victim.  Good luck to you!!!

Post # 15
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@JKL2013:  Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry. I also have parents (more my mom) who find things about my SO “unacceptable” and avoid him as much as they can. I’ve been through some really similar drama to what you’ve been through. . . it’s pretty unbelievable when one finds out how immature one’s parents really are in some ways.

I think your mom’s behavior is incredibly immature and disrespectful to you and your Fiance. It’s pretty shocking that she has cut ties to you like this, and that must be terribly hurtful. My mom and I went through a period of over a year of awful conflict after 23 years of being wonderful friends, and it was extremely painful for both of us, but things have improved with time–I understand how awful it is.

I can’t help but wonder if your mom never liked him in the first place and was playing nice in hopes that you’d break up with him or something. . . yuk, obviously that is not happening, and she needs to grow up a bit and accept that he is your partner! No matter what she thinks of him at heart, if he makes you happy and treats you right, that’s all she should really care about, as a mother. . . but sometimes people have other agendas, and parents have hangups that don’t allow them to just be happy for you. . . uuugghh. As for the rest of your family, unfortunately it’s awfully easy for families to gang up against one family member’s relatively newly introduced partner. . . it’s the tribe mentality. Unless there is something truly unsavory about your Fiance which you can’t or don’t see, I think you may just have to distance yourself from them until this blows over a little. It may take a year or more, but time really does make things better, although it doesn’t always make things as much better as we would like.

As people on here told me when I needed to vent and get advice about my own uncomfortable situation: if he is your Fiance, then he is your closest family and the two of you are a team. Stand by each other. If you are truly serious about each other (sorry, that sounds harsher than I meant it to), then you pretty much have to stick together and make each other your first priority, even if that means making your family unhappy. Defend your Fiance when your family attacks his character. At some point, when you can talk to them in a calm, mature conversation, tell them something like: “I am an adult, and as an adult woman, I have chosen him as the man I love and the man who will be my partner. I love him, he loves me and treats me well, and I am happy in my relationship. Nothing you say will change my decision to be with him. But I do want to have a good relationship with you, too, and would like to know what would help us do that.” I said pretty much exactly this to my parents a few months ago, and things have been better since. . . .But, your family may request things that you or your Fiance can’t do, or won’t do, and you’ll have to deal with the results of that (my parents want something from my SO that neither he nor I think he should have to do, despite that fact that sometimes I wish he’d just do it to make them happy. . . but he finds it objectionable, so I won’t demand that he do it, although the fact that he hasn’t done it reinforces my parents’ very wrong idea that he is a selfish and immature individual!! ugh).

It’s pretty horrible that your mom says she won’t come to your wedding and won’t speak to you, and her behaviour sounds very unreasonable, but people are unreasonable a lot. . . give it time. Everyone needs time to calm down, and hopefully she will realize that cutting out your Fiance from her life is not worth cutting you out too; at some point, hopefully, your family will realize that you and your Fiance are A PAIR and nothing they can say or do will change that. Hopefully also, when they figure that out, they will treat you better, and at least stop making their objections known, if not gain a more positive view on the whole thing.

In the meantime, I know how extraordinarily distressing and awful these kinds of situations are. PM me if you need more support/advice. Best of luck, and here are good vibes ๐Ÿ™‚ ~~~~~*~~***~~~~~ ๐Ÿ™‚  (((HUGS!)))

 

Post # 16
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@JKL2013:  I don’t really have any advice but I do have a similar story. My husband and I just got married and throughout our entire relationship my mother loved him. Even when we eloped because we didn’t want a big wedding, she loved him and supported us. This past weekend, we all got together as a family and some of us were drinking and such and it became known to her boyfriend that my husband is an athiest (this doesn’t bother me at all) and he freaked out. Suddenly, she was upset even though she knew he’s an athiest. She even started yelling about how I was an athiest (not the case) THEN, I wanted a kitten that my aunt and uncle are trying to get rid of and Darling Husband said he didn’t want to get a pet right now but he’d think about it. Instead of letting me and him discuss it, she jumped up when I picked up the kitten again and said “I’m telling your husband on you!” She made me so upset Darling Husband almost let me take the kitten home just for that reason. Then I mentioned to my aunt when I was showing her wedding pics I may get my maiden name tattooed on my foot (Which my mom already knew) and my mom freaked out over that and told me that I can’t do that. THEN I was talking to my brother and my mom walked up and looked at me and said “You stop talking right now!” and I walked off.

Now, I think the reason for MY mother’s anger was that it was really the first time she realized that I’m married. She hasn’t had custody of me since I was 14 but she and I are very close and I think her trying to tell me what to do was because she realized that the days of her telling me what to do are over (this has been over for years though…) and she’s having a hard time dealing with it all.

Could this be part of what is wrong with your mother? It does seem odd she just turned on your fiance about that but maybe on the trip when you all left early, she realized that from that moment and into the future, you would be making decisions with him and not really conferring with her on decisions. 

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