(Closed) Mom hurt my feelings at my shower and I can't get over it

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I resent my mom’s behavior around my wedding, but she was practically foaming at the mouth while screaming at me. I think if you’re having trouble letting something this small go, it means you have a lot of deeper issues you need to work through with your mom (my mom and I have really deep issues and small stuff like this really gets under my skin with her as well). Have you ever considered going to counseling, either on your own or with her?

Post # 4
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you feel this way.  I wasn’t there, so it’s hard to imagine her tone.  I will say that maybe she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or was just being thoughtless.  You shouldn’t let it upset you and ruin  your feelings about your wonderful shower.  You definitely shouldn’t let it taint any of your other wedding events.  Just try to let it go and focus on the happiness of you events! 

For what it’s worth, my shower didn’t last longer than a few hours (maybe 2 1/2?), and I think that’s pretty common.  Good luck with this!  I know weddings are such an emotionally stressful time!

Post # 5
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know anything about the background of your relationship or the context, but opening gifts after an hour and a half actually sounds fairly reasonable. She may have believed that she was helping to move things along and doing something good and helpful to you. 

Post # 6
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you have to let this go, as it most likely was not meant as any hurtful comment to you, but rather meant to keep the party moving along out of respect for those who may have had a time they needed to leave but didn’t want to go without waiting for you to open gifts (which in and of itself can be seen as rude by many people).

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think an hour and a half in is pretty normal to start opening gifts and wrapping things off. Her delivery may not have been appreciated, but I don’t think she cut your shower short. I had several showers and the longest one was maybe 2.5 hours? Most of them wrapped up at 2 and we started opening gifts around the same time you did. Weddings often create a really difficult dynamic between bride and MOB, especially if you had a tough relationship to begin with. It is really easy to get offended because emotions are high, but I would try really hard to think long term and let this one go.

Post # 8
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the PPs above.  Unless there’s a lot more to the story than we know, it seems like she was just trying to keep the party moving along.  An hour and a half prior to opening gifts and eating cake seems very reasonable to me… now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve been to any showers much longer than 2 hrs total!

Post # 9
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Without being there and hearing the tone it is difficult to truely know your mother’s intentions. She could have been trying to be helpful, but you would know better than any of us.

As someone who has an extremely difficult relationship with their mother I highly recommend that you let it go and focus on the positives aspects of your planning process and recent wedding (June 23rd right?). You can’t fix what she doesn’t think is broken and you certainly can’t change what has happened. It is funny the family we are given and sometimes they are less than perfect (or not even close) but family doesn’t necessarily have to be just those that we are related to. If you cannot become close with her and have a reliable relationship perhaps you can bond with your Mother-In-Law to fill that void (that is what I am doing).

My mother left my wedding shortly after dinner was served. She spent the entire morning avoiding me and complaining that she didn’t look as pretty as I did or that her “dress looked like crap compared to mine.” Most people didn’t meet the MOB or even know that she was there. My family and friends did their best to hide all this from me and I appreciate it. It took me a month to finally be in contact with her again after the wedding because I was so hurt. Now I have resigned to the fact that her and I just don’t have that type of relationship and I am not going to waste any more time trying to make it more than what it is.

I wish you the best of luck with everything!

Post # 10
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m with PPs.  It doesn’t sound like she was trying to be mean or hurtful or imply people didn’t want to stay.  It sounds like she was just trying to make sure the party was moving along and didn’t go too long in case other people had prior commitments (gift opening can take a while).  1.5 hours is about when you should eat cake and start opening presents.  I think you are reading waaaay to much into this and really need to let it go.

Post # 11
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

The way I read it doesn’t sound ill-intentioned, but perhaps there was something in her tone that bothered you, or it is possible you are being overly sensitive due to past issues with her.  I too only had one shower and we had to rush to gift opening because the restaurant we were at closed at 5 – so my shower was only a couple of hours long. When I attend showers I don’t plan to stay for more than a few hours but I always want to stay through gifts being opened – so I think on the face of it her suggestion seems reasonable especially if there were some guests that had to leave a little early.  To me, it sounds like she was just thinking of your guests and making sure they got to see you open their gift before they had to leave, which doesn’t mean she was trying to cut your shower short.  At our wedding we were having such a good time on the dance floor we didn’t realize what time it was and our DOC told use we needed to cut the cake because people would leave early – that didn’t bother me at all. 

Post # 12
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

She probably knew of some people who did have to leave early and wanted to make sure they saw you open their present.  

We didn’t have time for a lot of the games my Maid/Matron of Honor planned for our wedding shower and people really did have to leave.  We had to move my shower along too so that it didn’t go on for hours and hours.  As it was, it went on a long time, 3.5 hours.

As PP’s have said, we don’t know the tone or all of your relationship, so maybe she did mean more.  What were other people’s reactions at the party to it?

Post # 13
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would actually agree that an hour and a half in is probably time to open presents etc…. some people do not want to attend these events for hours, but are courteous enough to know it is rude to leave until these things are done.

Intrinsically, there is nothing hurtful about what she said, IMO.

Post # 14
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also please try not to be upset that you were “only” able to have one shower. One shower really is plenty. They cost a lot of money and take a lot of work to put on, and it’s not fair to wish for someone (or several someones) to go through all of that more than once. Plus it gets a bit tiring for your social circle to hear of too many events related to your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

From what you just wrote, I see it as her thinking of your guests, especially if your shower was already long at this point.  Presents can take a long time to open so she might have been thinking of that.  I would say try and let it go and just see it as her thinking of your guests and not trying to hurt your feelings.

Post # 16
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

@fishbone:  +1

I had one shower and thought that was plenty!  I can’t imagine having more than one, unless alot of guests wanted to come but couldn’t (for example, geographical issues).

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