Post # 1
This is something that’s been on my mind the last few months. I’ve been married less than a year and my husband and I plan to be married 3ish years before we have children. This is because we want to solidify our relationship(we didn’t live together before we got married, we dated 3 years), do some traveling, become more financially secure(he just started a new job) and I don’t feel ready to have children yet. I know if I said I changed my mind and wanted to start trying now, my husband would be all for it, though.
And, my mom has been having major health issues the last few years. She’s had 3 major heart attacks, lots of esophagus problems that make her unable to eat solid food, she had a stroke a few months ago, went to the hospital for chest pains last week, is on oxygen and had three panic attacks this weekend while we were visiting and Tuesday went into the hospital after she stopped breathing–twice. She’s in bad shape.
I’m the oldest and the only one married of my siblings. I live 5 hours from my mom. Beyond all the worry about taking care of my mom and everything else… I am so scared she’s not going to get to see grandbabies. She is over the moon excited that I’ve married my husband and I know she is so looking forward to when we have kids.
I worry that waiting to have children might just be me just wanting to have fun right now, but if I wait till we’re “ready” she might miss out on something that would make her really happy. Does anyone else feel selfish for waiting to have kids when you have a parent in bad health?
Post # 3
It doesn’t make you selfish for waiting. At all. Having a child is a massive step and something that really only you and your husband can make a decision about. DH’s mom isn’t in the best of health either, and I know she’s dying for us to have kids – but we’re just not ready for it. Having a child now, whilst you’re not ready, may cause issues later on down the line. I know that if we were to start TTC now and we did have a child I’d resent it later on in life that I didn’t do what I wanted to do with my life first and be happy with my life and marriage before settling down.
Post # 4
I am sorry that your mom is in poor health. I understand. It really is hard to make that kind of decision. My husband’s mother died 3 weeks before our wedding. My dad was not here on earth to see my 2 granddaughters, and my mom got to see my first. But I do feel them around me from time to time-especially when I am quiet and I am rocking my grandbabies. So that gives me comfort. Sorry to say, but we never know what will happen tomorrow-never mind 9 months from now. Whatever you decide, don’t feel selfish. God Bless.
Post # 5
That doesn’t make you selfish at all! It is completely reasonable and very responsible to want to wait to TTC until you’re solid in your relationship, financially secure, and just feel “ready”. As unfortunate as it would be if your mom never gets the chance to meet your children, you shouldn’t feel like you have to rush into something you and your Darling Husband aren’t ready for.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom and hopefully she’ll make a turn for the better and continue to be around for longer than you think.
Post # 6
To be honest, the health of my grandparents and DH’s dad, who is healthy but had several major surgeries, played a role in us starting a family earlier than we might have. But for us, family is the most important thing and Darling Husband and I were as ready as we’ll ever be, so it wasn’t a big deal for us to get pregnant early (we got our positive test two months to the day after our wedding!)
Post # 7
I don’t think I would rush having children for anyone else. You have to be ready to have them, if you aren’t that isn’t fair to your kids. While I can imagine that there is a lot of pressure, to have babies so your mom can see and hold them, having kids for someone other than yourself and your husband is a recipe for resentment, and disappointment. Even if you were to get pregnant soon … is there any guarantee your mom would be around, and well enough to spend any time with them?
Post # 8
@Ms Mini: agreed! My grandmother wanted more than anything to come to my wedding, which wasn’t until last year. I seriously thought about pushing the wedding up a year and getting married in Oct 08 instead, but it wouldn’t have mattered because she passed in July 08. So, while I would have loved for her to be there, I am glad I decided not to push things up a whole year. You have to do whats right for you, no matter who else wants things differently
Post # 9
First, I’m very very sorry about your mother. I really hope her health improves.
I wrote a similar post a few months ago. My Mother-In-Law is very sick with cancer and because of that, I know my Darling Husband would love to start trying sooner than we planned. In fact, he’s said so, as his mom not seeing our kids is one of his biggest fears. I can completely understand, and would also love to start trying asap, but the responsible thing to do is to wait until I finish grad school and can finally start contributing to our finances. Right now, I just feel like we wouldn’t be able to afford much besides basic necessities if we had a baby, and that would really put a strain on us. I too feel selfish but I think sometimes you have to think about the big picture, and if you’re not ready, you’re not ready and shouldn’t have a baby for any other reasons. Plus, the stress of having a sick parent during your pregnancy could be quite difficult. I don’t think it makes family any less important to you by waiting until the right time to have kids– in fact, I think having a solid foundation in your marriage and being truly ready when you do decide is very considerate of your future family.
Post # 10
So sorry for your mom!
I think that changing your timeline is a bad idea. You may be three months pregnant and suddenly lose your mom. It will be three times as hard because of all the hormones, plus knowing she’ll still never see the grandbabies AND knowing that maybe you aren’t in the right place in your life to have a baby yet and only did it for her. While I think it’s a sweet sentiment, I think you should stick to your timeline.