Post # 1
I have made my mom cry, again. I have no idea why she is so emotional all the time about this wedding, but she is. The first time we had a huge blowout fight was because she didn’t feel like I liked any of her suggestions and didn’t want her help, and that she hasn’t been included in the planning and decision making of the wedding.
I feel like she really has been a huge part of it and that I have taken her suggestions and help gratefully and with grace. However, I don’t understand how she gets upset because I don’t want to use her ideas for the wedding. I want to do my own thing with the wedding and have MY dreams and visions for it fulfilled. She thinks that because I don’t want to use her ideas, I don’t appreciate them or love the input. I do, and her being there solidly is very important to me! However, it is her being there and flexible that is important to me, but it seems like for her the important thing is that I use all the advice/ideas she gives me. I haven’t used 75% of it, but 25% of it came from her ideas, help and advice, but she still doesn’t feel included or appreciated.
Now, I’m starting to second guess my asking her to do my flowers. Maybe I should have just put in the order and made the decisions about what I was doing for the decor and then invited her and my BM’s to help me put them together.
How do I go about fixing the damage? I’m afraid as the wedding draws near, she will be stressed out too much to enjoy the wedding and the day, and that if everything isn’t perfect, she’ll feel like she failed me. How do I make it clear to her that the FLOWERS and DECOR aren’t the important part of the wedding. That it is her SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING that I need when I change my mind about the flowers/decorations and that everything will all turn out perfect because we did it together and as long as I’m married at the end of the day, anything off about the flowers won’t matter? Have you run into this issue with people who offered to help you with your wedding? What did you do?
Post # 3
Maybe, let her read this post. I think she is losing sight of what is important here, the beginning of a marriage, and not just a big party.
Post # 4
First thing- you did not MAKE your mother cry. She is an adult and chooses to try to manipulate you with tears.
As she is your mother, you have done the respectful thing by including her and asking her opinion and input. That is not a guarantee that you will make the same choices as she would.
It us time for her to act like an adult and accept your decisions.
Post # 5
@fvsoccer: Just keep commincating with her & let her see your point of view!
Post # 6
This is going to sound dumb, but is she possibly beginning menopause? I swear my mother cries a LOT more now that she’s getting to be that age.
Post # 7
What you just said in your post might make her feel better. FWIW, I don’t think it sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you. Weddings can just be a really emotional time.
Also, I don’t think you should take stuff away from her, like doing the flowers. I think that would probably make her feel worse. And maybe, if you talk to her about this, you should remind her of some of the contributions she’s made. Not in a “You’re being unreasonable, I am using your ideas!” way but in a “I love your idea for the flowers, it is going to make our centerpieces so much better! Thanks mom!” way. (Not that you’d ever do the first, unless you are like me, in which case, you put your foot in your mouth pretty often and say things in a way that make people feel worse even though you meant to make them feel better.)
Post # 8
It’s like we have the exact same mom! Whenever I don’t agree with every single idea she has, she gets upset, but she never takes into account that I appreciate that she brought it up and we talked about it or all of the ideas of hers that I have used. It’s like when I go with what she wants, it’s ‘normal’ and when I don’t, it’s a disaster and I’m doing the wrong thing and I never listen to her, etc.
What I did was give my mom a big project to do: invitations. She got to design, make, address, finalize and mail the invitations pretty much all by herself. Because she had so much control over a major thing and had all that work to do, I was able to do other things and make other decisions while she was busy. I think doing this with your mom and the flowers may help you out.
Post # 9
Thank you for your responses everyone! My mom called back and apologized for stressing out about me changing my mind on the flowers. Then we had a big talk about how she doesn’t need to worry if they are “perfect” or not and that what is more important to me is that we get to do this together and that I am getting married.
It seems that the issue lies in the fact that she wants my day to be “perfect” so badly that she hasn’t made the quantum leap to understanding that the “perfection” of the day isn’t in the flowers, or any of the details. Guess we’ll have to work on that one.
Also, who ever heard of their mother wanting the bride to spend MORE?! I changed my centerpiece idea because I want to come in under budget wherever possible to make up for overbudget items. And it isn’t like I am sacrificing the beauty of the decor to do it! Hmmmm I think it might just be because she gets to arrange less flowers….
Post # 10
Wow, this is totally what I’m going through with my mom right now, but instead she’s the one making me cry. When I ask her for her opinion on some of my ideas and she doesnt like it, she’ll make negative comments (because it’s how I want it and not the way she thinks it should be), and it stresses me out so much that I cry. For example, just last night I showed her the cake I had in mind and she said it was ugly and it’s a once in a lifetime affair and I should get something better, it just pissed me off. IT’S JUST A FREAKIN CAKE!! I dont know, maybe I’m just being sensitive.
I feel like while everyone’s having problems with their FMIL’s, I’m here having problems with my own mother – and I’d like to add that we usually have a good relationship but once I got engaged and the whole wedding planning started, it’s been horrible.
But good to know you girls were able to sort things out with your mothers. I’m still trying to figure out how to desensitize myself from her comments.