(Closed) Mom issued ultimatum :(

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Did your Dad cheat on your Mom with his new wife? If he did, I can understand your Mom and siblings not wanting them there. Some people never get over such a betrayal.

I’d take your SM up in her offer and let her stay in the hotel if she’s coming.

Post # 4
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

It amazes me how so many people try to make someones wedding about them!! Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I woudl do the same thing, Invite their family, and unfortunately if your mom decides not to come, she will miss out. I could understand if the divorce was recent, but seriously, its been more than a decade! She needs to get over herself, and put aside her feelings for one day. I would not talk to your family about this right now (certainly send an email back to your stepmom to tell her that they are invited) and once things calm down, sit with them and firmly tell them your decision. Tell them that you will devastated if they can’t put their personal feelings aside for YOUR wedding day, but if they feel that they must miss out, then so be it.

I can’t imagine that your mom won’t come to her senses by the time your wedding comes around. I think you are making the right decision by allowing them to come

Post # 6
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@MrsSl82be: I tottally agree.

“Sorry Mom. Then I guess you wont be there.” You Mom needs to deal or miss out on YOUR once in a life time day. Its YOUR day. You mom needs to put on her big girl panties, and wear a totally cute dress.

I wouldn’t ask SM to stay behind at the hotel, thats aweful. But VERY nice of her to offer.

Post # 7
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@brklynmmbb: In another situatioin I would say call your mother’s bluff but this is time it won’t work. Your brothers are protective of your mother and you are the only sibling that is kind enough to even want to talk to your father.

Since yourmother has been the gracious parent over the years, I would respect her wishes, even though she is using emotional blackmail to get her way. I would tell her this. It is not fair to you. I would also tell your brother this too. He has not right to be upset at you.

Offer a post-wedding brunch with your SM, Father, and half brothers at a lovely restaurant. Invite only yourself and fiancee. Don’t even tell your other family you are coming

Post # 8
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@brklynmmbb: Stories like this usually are more complicated that one could write or imagine, so there is really no simple answer. This is what I would have done, I would have figured out what I actually really want in my heart and then speak to the person who my decision would impact the most. Personally in this situation I would invite everyone and talk to my mother- it really is yourd day and you obviosly want to share it with everyone special to you- your mother really needs to put her own feelings towards your SM (who sounds like a nice woman) aside and concentrate on her daughter. It is not like you are putting them at the same tabel, they never even need to speak. Good luck, I really hope your mom listens.

Post # 9
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry to say, but your mom is acting like a child.  This woman is someone your father met AFTER they were divorced and she should have no reason not to want to see them.  I can understand if seeing your dad makes her upset, but she has to move on and grow up. Put aside her ill feelings toward your father for one day and respect that you want to share the celebration with your WHOLE family, not just parts of it.

Call your mom’s bluff.  My FI’s mom asked me if my FI’s step-mom HAD to come to the wedding.  I said ‘yes, of course, she’s part of our lives and it’s our wedding’ and that was the end of that. I told her that the wedding was about us and celebrating our commitment to one another and nobody else’s issues will get in the way of that.  We would not be the ones to exclude anyone, only an individual will exclude themselves from our event.  So far, his mom has shown up for everything despite his step-mom being there as well.  FI’s step-mom is also a woman who had nothing to do with their divorce, so similiar situation.

Post # 10
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

your mom’s being a drama queen.  I’m sorry but she’s in the wrong, your wedding isn’t about her failed marriage, and I feel bad for you that she’s doing this and acting like this.  I donno how serious your mom is with ultimatums but usually the person ends up not following through.  I’d tell them not to put you in the middle and invite them all. Your mom will probably show up anyway.

Post # 11
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@brklynmmbb: Wow!  I can really sympathize with your situation being in a similar one myself.  Long story short, my older sister and her husband raised me (and younger sister) after our mom (and sole guardian…no dad in sight) passed away.  My brother in law was like a father to me and was married to/with my sister for over 15 years.  Somewhere around year 13 he cheated and is currently still with that same woman.  Needless to say, there is a lot of animosity, however, my older sister has made it very clear to me that her ex was always a good “big brother” to me and I should not think twice about inviting them both (since they live together now it would be rude not to allow him a plus 1).  My sister let me know that even though she can’t stand the “other woman”, the past is the past and the wedding is about me (and SO) and not about anyone else’s drama.

I agree with PP that said that you should stay firm, invite your father and his new wife and make it clear to your mother that this ONE DAY is about you and your Fiance and not anyone else’s drama.  Perhaps you can arrange it so your mom is far away from her ex and his wife on the day?

Post # 12
4824 posts
Honey bee

There is no right or wrong answer here.

What I think I would do (who knows until you are there) is tell mom )probably via a note so you can be sure to get it all out.

“I am sorry that what has happened between my dad and you is getting in the way of you celebrating my marriage. I want to celebrate with all the people in my life, and that includes all of my family. And my family DOES include my stepmother and my broher.  This day isnt about the past, but about my future and I want everyone who has supported me and will support me to be there. If you cant support me, then I guess I will have to celebrate this day without you.

Please don’t respond yet. Take time to think about the situation. I reallt want you to be there”

EDIT: And I wouldnt call this “calling her bluff” because you have to be ready for the fall out. She might not come.  

But I would also think about, would you hold a grudge against your mother and then be angry with yourself because you let her manipulate you? That you couldnt make a decision about your own wedding and your family members? That you could stand up and be an adult to your mother? I know I would and I would end up so angry our relationship would have issues whether I gave in or she didnt come. At least if she didnt come I would be proud of who I was and how I handled the situation- like an adult and not a small child.

Compromises are made on distant relatives, venue, food, decorations. Not brothers and step moms you want there.


Post # 12
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this. There really is no easy answer. It is absolutely not fair of your mother to manipulate the situation like this, and it’s even worse that your brother meddled where he had no business. But unfortunately, this is the situation you are stuck with.

I think I personally would be too afraid to call her bluff in case she isn’t bluffing. Is it worth taking a stand to not have your mom (and potentially brothers if they follow her lead) at your wedding at all? Anyone with common sense will see this for what it is, childishness on their parts, and it will not reflect poorly on you. You are lucky that your stepmother is so gracious, so that is not another difficulty. I say this because I did not go to my sister’s wedding due to the drama that she herself started. I needed to stand my ground and make my point. We have a better relationship now, and I regret it all the time, especially as my own wedding approaches. I can’t imagine how awful she must have felt. It is possible your mother could end up feeling that way and back down, but it is also possible that like me, she’ll stand her ground, not go, and you’ll both be stuck with regrets. I like the idea of the next day brunch. Or is it possible that stepmom and family can come to the ceremony but not the reception? I realize it’s awful, but it sounds like she would be understanding and realizes that your hands are kind of tied in this and you’re just trying to compromise so that all the people who are important to you can share the day. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Post # 15
1 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yes…at the end of the day you will be married to your wonderful man.. Best of luck fellow Bee!! πŸ™‚

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