(Closed) Mom issued ultimatum :(

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 16
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Cyber hugs. What an awful situation they have put you in. I was so ready for you to say your SM was the mistress, so then it would have been cut and dry. But 5 years after the divorce, there just isn’t any rhyme or reason. @lefeymw: letter sounds right.

I personally wouldn’t want to give in to your moms blackmail either, because where does this end? Do guys have children together yet? If not is she gonna pull this card at your kids baptism (if your religious), first 1 Bday party, other family functions??? the list goes on and on of how far she can potentially take this.

Please keep us updated. I’m so sorry.

Post # 17
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@brklynmmbb: My mom over the years has been amazing, she offers her love unconditional and would do anything for us. Fast forward to my Fiance and I announcing our engagement. Mom offers love support, help etc.My dad however doesn’t and at one point says he won’t even be attending. The point we are at right now is that he IS attending (he has to travel internationally) but his wife/kids will be staying home. He eventually after months of avoiding phonecalls offered us some support (which we are very thankful for).

Actually, I hadn’t read your first post  prior to posting my previous response. After reading this part of your post ^^^ it actually makes my lean slightly towards your moms side. However, I totally don’t agree with her making it about her.

Put your peacemaker hat aside for second. I believe that respect is earned. Seems like you have made all the effort for a relationship with your dad, yet he seems pretty selfish and has a recent history of holding out on the communcitiaton. IF you mom knows all of this I can totally see why she’s feeling slighted (again, not that I agree with how she’s going about it). Your dad is making you jump thru hoops to get his kernals of attention, that doesn’t sit right with me.

Maybe i’m looking too much into your post, but thats what I get from it. If thats the case then, yes I would have the wife and kids, simply stay away. Meet them for a brunch the next day. I say this because it’s your mom who has been consistant where as your dad comes around at his convienence –without regarding your feelings. Doesn’t sound like your mom has a history of being a drama queen.This seems like this is the one topic that does make her behave irrationally. But, I wouldn’t risk my relationship with the person who has a proven track record of having my back over someone who isn’t equally yoked. If you decide to have your mother attend, simply let her know this will be the ONLY time that you will make this consession (refering to my previous post).

Again, no direction you choose is going to be easy, I wish you luck.


Post # 18
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, this sucks!  I am so sorry!  It’s a shame that there has been an ultimatum and you are 100% right that no one is thinking of you and your feelings.  This day is not about your mom.  It’s not about your brothers.  It’s not about you dad.  It’s about you and your Fiance.  Actually, I take that back, the only one thinking of you right now is your step mom.  I agree with sitting on things for a few days.  I would speak with your step mom though.  Let her know that you and your Fiance want her there, but you’re just not sure how much drama it’s going to cause.   Thank her from the bottom of your heart for being the ONLY person willing to compromise and let her know how much this means to you.  Regardless of what you decide, I would make sure she knows just how much her willingness to sacrafice has meant for you.  

Post # 19
1565 posts
Bumble bee

Disclaimer: Obviously this is a very complicated situation and we’re on the outside looking in. So forgive me if I’m off the mark. But here’s what I think just based off your posts: 

Why would you go out of your way to hurt the parent that has always been there for you and supported you in order to accomodate the parent that has NOT been there for you, has often acted selfishly, and didn’t even want to attend the wedding at one point? 

It confuses me that when your dad makes demands (first he won’t come to the wedding, then he deigns to come, then he announces that he’s coming BUT only with his family), you think that’s completely fine and don’t seem upset at him at all. But when your mom makes this one request, it’s all of a sudden unreasonable of her? Why are you willing to meet your dad’s demands and do things on his terms, but not your mom’s? 

It must be very hard for your mother to see you work hard to maintain a relationship with your dad even though he’s acted selfishly and is not a great dad (by your own admission). It must be hard to have him at the wedding. But she is dealing with it. In an ideal world, she’d be fine with the stepmom coming as well. But she’s not a saint, she’s a real person who’s been really hurt by your dad! Why can’t you cut her some slack? 

Post # 20
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i had to tell my mother to “beat the street” too. she was so uber concerned about herself and didn’t care one bit about making me happy on MY day. she’s a selfish bitch and i’m sick of it all. she will look like the ass on my wedding day, not me…or anyone else. i say – tell her to TAKE A HIKE.

Post # 21
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As someone who grew up with a similar father I can relate to trying adn trying to have a relationship with them. That want never goes away no matter what. My father is a little different than yours and was abusive and is a drug user. He will not be coming to my wedding but that is because I cut him out of my life for good after he failed his last UA andlost custody of my youngest sister.

But you father is not the same brand of selfish. My mother did do wonderful by me but never faulted me for wanting to try and salvage something with my father. I know that want never goes away. What I would do is invite them. Explain to your mother that you know he wronged her and has wronged you all but you want to try to have something with him rather than cutting him out completely and wondering what if the rest of your life. I spend a lot of time with my half siblings and would love to have them at my wedding, that may be an impossibility for me so I understand the devistation of not being able to have someone who means something to you not be there.

I would also try to explain to your mom what you said, their divorce has nothing to do with your brothers. While they are not her kids they are YOUR siblings and you care for them. the divorce between your parents was not their fault.

AS for your other brothers this is none of their business. May explain to your mom that while they will be there she does not need to have contact with any of them. Also I would explain to your father that he should probably avoid your mom during the ceremony and reception but it is still important that he be there.

Yes your mom’s feelings are important and you don’t want to hurt her but she also should not be hurting you for wanting a relationship with your father. She may not like the idea of him being there but it is ultimately your call. I don’t believe she would miss your wedding over it.

I know from personal experience if I ended up inviting my father, my mom would hate him being there, but she would respoect that I wanted to try to salvage something and would just minimize any contact. Usually when there is THAT much animosity between people they will naturally avoid each other.


@GirlWithARing – Her wanting a relationship with her father and his children and wife is not a slight against her mother. It is a want that will probably never go away no matter how selfish he acts, most girls and women want their dad. Yes he mother was hurt by her father and that animosity will never go away, but like it has been said he did not cheat with this woman and it was over 10 years ago. She can tone it down and avoid contact, and he can avoid contact as well, and let her daughter make the decisions over whether or not she wants her father in her life rather than trying to make them for her.

My mother did this with me. She hated my father for many years but when I saught out a relationship with him, no matter how much she disagreed she let me form my own opintions about him rather than saying how much it hurt her or how bad he was to all of us. I know he was/is bad and have since formed my own opinion, but I think it is important to let your children form their own opinions about their father/mother in a divorce situation.

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Post # 23
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this Frown

It’s funny how nobody cares about what YOU want for YOUR wedding…I guess it’s true when people say weddings bring out the worst in people.

Good luck with this <3

Post # 24
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, this sucks and I am so sorry you need to go through this! People need to realize that planning a wedding is stressful enough without all their secondary drama on top.

I think that you need to tell your step mom you want her there. Clearly she’s the only one mature enough to think about you, and your real mom needs to realize that you didn’t just pick a name out of a hat – you guys thought about this, and if she can’t seemingly get over herself then maybe she needs a wakeup call. Tell her she doesn’t have to come if she can’t be a grownup, and maybe that’ll shock her into realizing she can do it.

If your dad met his new wife five years after the divorce then it shouldn’t be a problem. At least it doesn’t have to be.

Post # 25
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry you have to go through this :(. It’s amazing how weddings can sometimes bring out the worst things. I’ve been lucky to avoid too much family drama, but I can give you one piece of advice- make a decision about the guest list and be 100% firm and set with it. I’ve tried to approach my wedding in a diplomatic/laid back/open minded kind of way, thinking that that would result in the least amount of conflict, but to be honest, it almost makes it worse. Some people tend to see diplomacy as weakness and they’ll try to railroad you, trying to get you to do what they want. It’s much better to make a decision and be firm with others. I never wanted to have to say the words “it’s my day” but sometimes it’s best to put your foot down and assert yourself, even if you wind up sounding like a brat. Your step mother seems like a very sweet lady, and I’m sure she understands where the conflict is coming from. I don’t know your family dynamic, but I think one of the previous suggestions was good- maybe do some kind of special brunch with your dad’s family? That way they can feel like they helped celebrate with you in a drama-free environment. Maybe you can even make up invitations to make it feel even more special or official?


Good luck!! 🙂

Post # 26
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

OMG I am so sorry. I just feel like this is such a tough situation for you to be in!! I would tell your dads family that they are more than welcome bc it seems like that was what you wanted in your posts. The SM obviously isnt trying to be mean she offered to stay behind she is acting like an adult. I would tell your mom, that they are family and you want them there, and you hope that she will also be there. Say you are my mom, and I love you, You have always been there for me, so I hope that you will be there on the most important day of my life, and be happy about it!!! I really hope everything works out for you!! Keep us posted and dont be to stressed. This time should be fun!!

Post # 27
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is completely unfair that your mother has placed you in this situation. It is NOT your responsiblity to make her feel better about the divorce, his new family etc. It is certainly NOT within her rights to make you choose sides. No, their marriage didn’t work out, but you DO have little brothers that SHOULD be at your wedding. And your dad has a right to be there too. Maybe she wouldn’t feel this way if she had re-married and had more children. Maybe she feels like he’s been more successful without her or something… but whatever her feelings are they are NOT your responsiblity. And its NOT fair of her to make this day about her instead of you.

Honestly, I would tell her that you are inviting your family and that includes her, your dad and your brothers and SM. I would tell her you will be disappointed if she chooses not to attend your wedding— but honestly she is an adult and its her choice. She is treating you like a child by saying who you can and can’t invite. And that is going to cause problems when you have children. As a previous poster stated imagine, holidays, 1st birthdays etc. She has to get used to the idea of your father’s family being important to you too. And she needs to realize that even though you love them it does NOT mean you love her less.

Please don’t let her bully you into making a decision against your family. Tell her everyone is invited including her and she is responsible for her own choices.  It’s a big drama storm now, but eventually she will cool off and make a rational choice once she realizes you are an adult.

Post # 28
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012


First, I have to steal GirlWithARing‘s disclaimer: Obviously this is a very complicated situation and we’re on the outside looking in. So forgive me if I’m off the mark. But here’s what I think just based off your posts:

It sounds like everyone involved was initially fine with your dad coming without his new family. Your stepmother also seems fine with not coming to the wedding.

I can understand Corilee13‘s point about the desire for you to have a relationship with your father never going away regardless of what happens. However, if I had parents who were on opposite sides of an issue, I believe I would defer to the one who had actually been there for me consistently, as your mother has been.

Aside from that, I truly am sorry that you’re having to deal with such a tough situation. I really hope that it can be resolved in a way that seems to work out best for everyone.

Post # 29
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@brklynmmbb: ummmm… let’s ignore the whole dad part, and skip to the kids.  adults aside, (’cause let’s face it: adults can be DUMB), what about your two little brothers?  

Now, I’m gonna go gruesome on ya here and say a fact: the kids will, most likely, outlive your mother.  

You already have a relationship with your mom, but what about those two little kids?  I’d be more angry about my mother denying to small kids who aren’t gonna understand other than “I didn’t get to go to my sisters WEDDING because of her mom?!?”  I’d think that would eat away at them for a looong time.  (questions like: why didn’t she stand up for us to be there?  Why did she let Dad come but make US, her own siblings, stay at a hotel???)

If I were in your shoes, I’d be telling my mom that I want MY SIBLINGS at my wedding and the only way they’re gonna come, is if their parents come.  The day isn’t about her, it’s about YOU and YOUR GROOM!!!  

Obviously the adults are gonna have their opinions formed already, and I’m sure the youngsters have opinions that have been formed for them (naturally, due to their environment… human nature).  BUT, I’d want to try and make sure that they know I’m the good guy here and that I love them AS my siblings. 

Of course, if you don’t have a good relationship with them and don’t plan on having one afterwards, I’d say “screw it” and hand it to a third party: my fi.  and tell him that I don’t care what happens, just take care of it.  for better or for worse, right? might as well start living those words now! LOL!

good luck and sorry you gotta deal with this crap!!!

Post # 30
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I really feel your pain.  I have had major problems with my parents: My dad cheated and left my mom after 35 years of marriage (8 years ago) and pretty much ALL my wedding related stress has been due to this situation. 

Regardless, They should be able to put aside their feelings for one day and think of what you and your fiance want.  I know it’s not that simple, but it isn’t about their divorice, it’s about your marriage.

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