Last Saturday my mom lost her battle with cancer.
A little back story: My mom was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer about three and half years ago. She went through radiation and was told at the end the cancer was gone.
In August of last year, we found out that the cancer had spread to lymph nodes and other areas of her body. She was treated with chemotherapy and at her last PET Scan she was told that everything was shrinking, but she needed to do more chemo.
Two months ago, while at home she started losing the feeling on the left side of her body and was unable to speak. We all thought that she was having a stroke. She was rushed to the hospital, where they ran a few tests, including an MRI and they found that the cancer had spread to her brain. She did a little more radiation and that helped extend her life a little, but not for long.
I ended up moving up my wedding to April 13th from June 29th, but she was too sick to make it. Which was so completely devestating, but the wedding still ended up being beauitful and a happy day.
Last Saturday, she passed away. She was only 50. My question to you all is, why do I feel okay? I feel like I should be so completely devestated and full of sorrow, but I’m not. I am okay. Sure, I have moments of sadness, but nothing like I expected to feel. In the last few weeks she was unable to talk, eat, go to the bathroom, or move at all. All she did was lay in her hospital bed and stare in space. Seeing her like that was very difficult and hard on me and my family. She was in constant, 24/7 pain that on a scale of 1-10 was always a 12.
I am not sure I feel this way, is it because I have known for the past year that this was going to happen eventually. I knew that it would be soon, when the cancer had moved to her brain two months ago. Is it because she is finally out of pain and no longer suffering?
I guess I am just looking for other people who lost family members in a similar manner and would like to know if they felt the same way I do? And I was wondering when the loss of my mother will finally hit me. I think I am still in the shock stage.
I am sorry this is so long and probably does not make sense. But, I guess I am just looking for some validation with my feelings. Thanks.