(Closed) Mom just died of cancer

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t really have advice to offer, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss xx

Post # 4
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry for your loss.  There is no right way to feel, there is no way you are supposed to feel.  It sounds like you find comfort in the fact that she isn’t in pain anymore, and that is completely reasonable.   

No one can tell you when it will hit you, or if it ever really will, but I’m sure there will be waves. You’ll smell something that reminds you of her, or you’ll hear a song that makes you think of her. Hopefully these times will bring up the good times for you and let you remember her when he was happy and healthy. 

Post # 5
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I am so so so sorry for the loss of your mother.

To answer your question, maybe it’s because you are at peace. You know she is not hurting anymore. It’s just as hard to watch a parent in pain as it is for a parent to watch a chikl in pain. Or perhaps, you have known that her condition was worsening and accepted it.

Do not down yoursel for feeling okay.

There are different stages of grief, and everybody goes through those stages differently.

Hugs.

Post # 6
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My condolences to you. please remember that grief will manifest itself differently in every person. Don’t beat yourself up over your feelings.  It is ok to feel what you feel.  My grandmother died of stomach cancer shortly after my wedding. I felt very similar to the way you’re feeling about the death of your mother. I hated seeing her suffer and as cliche as it sounds, I knew her passing meant that she truly was in a better place and no longer suffering. 

Don’t be afraid to see a therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss. 

Post # 7
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it is in a way, normal. Oftentimes when someone close to is sick, and has been for a long time, we’ve already begun to deal with our grief and loss. My grandfather had Alzheimers for many years before passing, and by the time he passed, he didn’t know his name, nor ours, and while it was upsetting that he was no longer around, I had already said my own goodbyes when I realized he wasn’t my grandfather anymore and didn’t understand why we went to see him all the time. He wasn’t living life, and while I didn’t want him to die, I didn’t want him suffering (from cancer) because he never understood he was sick.

Post # 8
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am so so so sorry.

First, there is absolutely no right way to grieve. Some people feel it more than others, some grieve right away, some grieve later, some dont grieve that much at all, and that is totally ok. Everyone experiences and deals with a loss differently.

It is great that she is no longer in pain, and I know she is in a better place. Surround yourself with loved ones, and remember, we all are here to be listening ears in this tough time. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and feel whatever you need to feel.

Hugs to you, thinking of you

 

Post # 9
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My step mother passed away of lung cancer in 2011. Her last few months were in the hospital, very sick and unable to do anything herself. Losing her was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to deal with. But there definetely was a sense of peace at the end. Knowing she wasn’t in pain and that she wasn’t going to have to fight with every bit of her being anymore did give me peace.

Dealing with the loss of someone is a personal thing. Everyone deals with it differently, and while professionals can claim there are stages, everyone deals with thsoe stages in different ways an in different times. Don’t feel bad because your grief is different or unsual. 

I’ll be honest, the worst part for me was when we scattered her ashes a month later. That’s when it hit me that she was gone. And then at Christmas a few months later, and she wasn’t there. And now, two years later, it still hits me sometimes that she’s gone. It’s a process that ebs and flows, sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I am incredibly sad, and sometimes I am happy she is no longer in pain.

Post # 10
Member
4436 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so very sorry:(  Your Mom is no longer in pain- her suffering is over and she is in a better place. I believe those we love and pass away are still with us, even though we can’t see them. You will always have her in your memories and heart. She wouldn’t want you to be grieving- I think she would want you to enjoy your life to the fullest and be happy.  *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
4963 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m very sorry. My grandparents also passed in their 50’s from cancer. It took me a long time to feel anything. I guess I was not ready to grieve. They were also sick for a very long time. Part of me was relived that they were at peace if that makes sense. I certainly mourn them now, and think of them often. 

Post # 12
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My condolences to you and your family. While everyone grieves and processes things differently, I can relate with your perspective.

 

I lost my dad in November, right before Thanksgiving to Pancreatic cancer. He had been sick for a while, but formally diagnosed last summer. While we all felt that that he probably had some sort of cancer, it was like the elephant in the room. We never spoke about it but were aware the end would be coming at some point.

 

The last week with him was so hard. He was always so strong, stubborn and independent but at that point he was dependent on everyone as he couldn’t do anything or communicate. The night he left was devastating….but for some reason I felt more shocked and relief that he wasnt suffering anymore. Later that day we kind of carried on like nothing happened and it felt really wrong. We even grocery shopped so we would have a little something to eat for Thanksgiving the next day. It was just so weird.

 

To this day I still haven’t really had a good cry. I did a lot of that the past year after phone calls with my dad and seeing him get worse. I guess I felt all cried out at the end and was just thankful he didn’t have to go through that anymore, and I guess our family had greived and processed it along the way throughout the past year. I have had a dream or two where he’s actually visited, and once in a while when I’m alone I get a whiff of that Marlboro cigarette smoke so I know he’s around. Once in a while it hits me and it makes me sad, but its not like I thought I was going to feel…or how I thought I was supposed to feel.

 

(Edited to finish.Hit submit a little too early)

 

Anyway…I’m not quite sure what I was really trying to get at here. There is no wrong way to feel. I just wanted to say my feelings were similar with yours. A lot of the other bees here have a better way with words than I do and I hope you find comfort in them as well as the support we all extend to you. Lots of love and hugs.

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My grandmother and I were very close (I was chosen by our family to give the Eulogy at her funeral). For awhile before she died she was bedridden, didnt speak, and was staring into space, so we knew it was coming (complications with 2 hip surgeries because she fell at home) and when she died i felt like you did. I was saddened and missed her but I was okay, like surprisingly okay.

I think part of the reason for me was because I knew she was out of her pain and misery and in a better place and I guess I was relieved for her in that sense because it really is difficult to watch someone you love hanging in limbo like that. And also, I think I had already mentally prepared myself and had decided ahead of time that I was okay with her going. I think somehow in my mind I had accepted it before it happened. So when it did happen, it hurt but I was okay.

Maybe unknowingly at some point you did the same thing.

At the funeral, I was fine, comforting everyone else and serving up drinks. I didn’t have a good cry until months after she died (it hit me one day in the shower and again at night when going to bed) and every now and then when something really reminds me of her or I wish she were here to talk to I’ll still tear up a little even though its been a few years already.  Even though you accept the death I think missing the loved one it’s something you’ll never get over and something you’ll deal with for years to come.

I’m pretty sure you’ll have your moment whether sooner or later when you’ll have a good cry once everything sinks in, it might be an out of the blue unexpected moment too! Everyone is different and death and grief are subject to the individual.  So don’t sweat it, i’m pretty sure you’re grieving at your own pace.

Post # 14
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious mom.

Post # 15
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m so sorry for your loss, and will send positive thoughts your way-I know a few people who have undergone similar reactions to the death of a family member after a long, drawn out illness. It is peaceful to know they are not in such pain anymore. Anyways, I hope you are able to keep the better memories alive. 

Post # 16
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am so sorry 🙁

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