Post # 1
I’m getting absurdly emotonal about this situation… my mom keeps making excuses about not being able to come dress shopping with me; it’s breaking my heart, I really want her to care. She cares a TON about the wedding and has been my rock through this planning process, so it’s not like she doesn’t care or isnt involved in general- it’s just the dress she seems to think is a big waste of time.
First, she keeps saying she thinks it’s too early to start shopping- I dissagree, I am 11 months out and would like to be able to scoop up a dress at a trunk show or some other way of discount and not worry that i haven’t seen everything I want to see first.
Also, she is very fixated on the cost- obviously understandable, but we have a dress budget, so I just almost feel like shes being hurtful trying to convince me to buy off the rack when we’ve laid out how much is safe to spend on the dress. The wedding in general has a total budget of $45,000+, so it just feels very hurtful for her to want me to buy something cheap cheap cheap, because she doesnt appreciate or get excited about dresses.
i wish she did get excited about the dress, it’s emotional for me to think she doesnt care about seeing me in the white dress because of how much symbolism it holds. our dress budget was set to about half of what The Knot suggested it should have been considering our total wedding budget, and still my mom wants me to not explore dresses that fit the budget but instead only search for off the rack. im just sad about it; the dress and searching process holds a ton of symbolism and meaning and i feel very distant about it from the only person i want to care about it all with me.
anyone else haf a similar situation?
Post # 2
Why is it so important to you that your mother be excited to dress shop with you? Can you bring along anyone else to go shopping with you? Your bridesmaids, your siblings, close cousins – is your mother really the only person in your life whose support you’re counting on? You deserve to have support, but don’t be mad at her if she expresses that to you in other ways. I’m sure there are other aspects of your wedding she’ll get excited about along with you.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re feeling upset. Here is the thing: not everyone holds the same feelings and believes as you and your mom isn’t required to. I personally don’t think a wedding dress holds so more meaning than buying a fancy dress for any other occasion – it’s fabric and I’ll treasure the occasion I wear it for forever, but I don’t think it’s any more special than anything else I buy for the wedding or my SO’s suit. I’m fact I don’t understand why a wedding dress would be so sacred yet most men wear a tux that has been worn by hundreds of other men before him and he gives it back the next day.
I’m not saying your view points are wrong and mine are right, just that there is more than one viewpoint to hold and just like any other topic or interest no two people are going to view it exactly the same. I’m sure there are things your mother values highly that you don’t.
Really all you can do is explain to her why this dress and her involvement in picking it out is so important to you and hope she can temporarily set her feelings about it aside long enough to go with you. If she can’t, then you may need to stop discussing the dress with her to save yourself the grief and find someone else to assist you in this process who is more interested if you don’t want to go it alone.
Post # 4
Are you expecting her to pay for it? If so, you sound really ungrateful tbh. She’s telling you it’s too expensive, and you’re saying “well this online tool (LITERALLY DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU SPEND MONEY) says it’s a good amount. So stfu” lol.
If you’re paying for it yourself, then, well it isn’t really any of her business how much it costs. That being said, not everyone is excited for every part. Yes, it would be nice if you had a cheering squad with you at all times, but some people are more interested in cake/food/music, rather than dress/flowers/decor. And that’s ok! If she doesn’t want to come, I wouldn’t force her. It could put a damper on your shopping experience if you’re expecting her to be 11/10 excited and shes only a 5. Is anyone else asking you about your dress? Why not take a Maid/Matron of Honor, best friend or even FI?
Post # 5
Yah at least your mom is excited about other parts of your wedding. My mom didnt give a crap about any of it.
You’re a big girl, you can go shopping without mom.
Post # 6
Have you thought that maybe she knows she will get really emotional during the dress shopping experience as a lot of moms do.. I think this is a moment where everything really becomes real, seeing their baby girl in a wedding dress. Realistically picking out invitations, flowers, caterers, even venue are part of many party planning processes, I am sure she picked out invites for your birthdays or caters for some family event but she never picked out your wedding dress.
If she knows how emotional this moment will be for her maybe that’s why she is being cold now, especially since you are saying she is such a big support of the planning process so she obviously really cares!
My mom always wanted to buy my gown but she didn’t want to see me try on dresses and pick the one with her (due to her being emotional about seeing me in it before big day ) but in the end we went to Kleinfelds for fun and bought my dress there together!!! So give it a chance J
Post # 7
Is your mom paying for it? Because if so I think you need to back off telling her what budget is appropriate.
I do understand you being sad that your mom doesn’t seem to care about this aspect of the wedding, but not everyone places the same amount of significance on everything. You said your mom is very involved and helpful when it comes to the rest of the wedding. That’s great! Focus on that.
Post # 8
My mom got mad at me because I wasn’t going to wear the same dress I wore for my first wedding in 2000 because it was “expensive” she didn’t pay for it and it was $500! She also told me I couldn’t wear white because it was my 2nd wedding. So…I feel ya. But I also feel like you’re putting WAY too much emphasis on the dress. It’s literally just some fabric, it will not make or break your wedding, your marriage, the world will not end if you don’t have the perfect dress fairy tales are made of. Maybe ask her why she feels like this?
Post # 9
how does everyone else figure out their budget as first time brides? as a new bride its a useful tool to look at online sources that breakdown wedding costs by percentages and suggest where you should budget your money. we took our overall budget and it suggested, 5-10% on flowers, 20% on food and service, etc… as someone that has no clue how much a wedding costs it was not the bible of how to best budget for your wedding, but it was better than going in blind. it would be scary to use 50% of your budget on a venue and later realize it should have been much much less and be scrambling to find ways to make it up. we had our overall budget number prior to researching the percentage breakdown through The Knot, so saying it encouraged us to spend more just isnt true.
i share the budget of the dress aspect because it isn’t a real reason to avoid dress shopping to me. i am very grateful to my parents for the world they gave to me, and i am super appreciative of this wedding. my mom created the whole budget, and i did not give any input. for photography, music, alcohol, transportation i barely touched half of the money budgeted for those aspects. i am not one to go to the top of the budget immediately just because it would be possible. but when i say i would love to look at XYZ dresses/stores and her reasons for no are because the dresses arent off the rack, i cant help but be disappointed/hurt.
its disappointing when someone you want to care about something you REALLY care about just doesnt, i think that feeling is universal, and not exclusive to dress shopping, i can’t imagine we haven’t all had that disappointment and hurt at some point. i was interested as to whether anyone else had anything similar to share.
Post # 10
I think people are being a little unfair. For my mom and I, even way before I ever got engaged, we would talk about what kind of dress I would wear, watch Say Yes to the Dress, Pinterest and daydream about it. I think it’s one of those things that moms and daughters look forward to doing together in their lives so I can understand why you’re heartbroken.
But again, if your idea of what will be spent on the dress is too high and she is paying for it then definitely take that into consideration.
Post # 11
The Knot does encourage you to spend more by including things you dont need in your budget. Videographer? MUST HAVE. Day after brunch? Non negotiable. Flowers? Must be X amount of your budget. Etc. They are not required, and I find the most important ‘budgeting’ tool is just that your reception is 50-60% of the total cost. I think using a tool to determine a rough amount is good, but using it to justify spending more than someone is comfortable is not cool.
You are allowed to disappointed and hurt, but you are also able to buy your own dress. If your mom doesn’t want to spend more than X amount, and you know dresses from those stores are going to be more, then yeah, I can see why she wouldn’t want to go there. If you want to go to those stores, why not tell her you want to buy your own dress but you’d like her there with you to help you choose?
Post # 12
Who is paying for your dress? Is she? Is she overly concerned with spending a lot of money hence all the excitement and joy is taken out of the experience?
My Mom and I both agreed on a reasonable budget of $1,500 max for a dress and despite not having a lot of money she offered to pay for my dress. In the end I found something I loved for $1,100 and we both walked away happy and excited on that day. I hope you and your Mom will come to an agreement and will be able to enjoy the process.
Post # 13
I understand what you’re saying; but I think the majority of people that use the tool aren’t gullible enough to fall for that. I’ve found among my friends we really do have a good idea of what our priorities are when it comes to our weddings. I have no videographer, and no intention to get one, nor was one budgeted. Never even considered budgeting for a day after brunch even if it was listed. FIL on his own suggested hosting one, but if it doesnt happen, who cares?
Again my mom came up with the budget- she lessened the “suggested” percentage so that the dress+alterations = $3800. I never talked to her about coming up with this number, I had zero expectations. So when she now avoids dress shopping by zeroing in on cost it is very clearly an excuse to get out of it
Post # 14
Ah got it. $3800 is a very hefty budget for dress and alterations. I get that you’re sad she doesn’t want to come shopping with you, but damn girl, if she’s going to drop almost $4k on your dress and doesnt want to be there? Don’t make her go! Go with a girlfriend. Maybe take pictures and send them to her and see if she has any opinion, but I wouldn’t be biting that hand, no sir!
You can ask her straight up why/if she doesnt want to come, but I think that might put pressure on her TO come, and as I said before, it could even put a damper on the day if she’s not as excited as you want her to be. I mean, would you rather have your bff there excited and jumping out of her chair for you without your mom, or have her there, on her phone looking bored and gives you a ‘yeah that ones nice’? Shes there, but it doesnt sound as fun.
Post # 15
Holy shit. You feel $3800 isn’t enough for your dress???? That wasn’t even the budget for my whole wedding! I’m so terribly sorry that 4 freaking grand can’t satisfy your needs… Ugh. I’m out.