Mom of small kids – husband not understanding need for rest – help!

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 1
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hi Ladies,

I’m really looking for some objectivity here… and I don’t want to talk about this with my local girlfriends right now because I don’t want to impact how they see my husband.  

Basically, I feel that I don’t get enough rest, downtime, or me time, and I’m starting to feel depressed. I’m wondering what is “normal” for this full on period of life as a mom of small kids, because I suspect lots of people feel this way, but at the same time I’m wondering whether I should be fighting harder to make some “me time” happen because I can tell I am really burnt out. My husband says I just need to “be more mature about it” and “just get used to being tired during this season” which I feel is really unempathetic of him.  

Here is the situation. I have two children, aged 5 months and 2 years. I’m a stay at home mom who works about 6-8 hours per week from home (eeking out the time in the evenings mostly) while caring full time for my kids. (By working I contribute about $13k-$15k the household income and cover the bulk of our grocery bill as well as my personal expenses and lots of kid stuff.)  My 2yo boy is full of energy and life and no longer naps at all — he is all systems go from the moment he wakes up (around 7) until he falls asleep (7pm ish). My 5 month old girl is such a joy and sleeps and naps fairly well for her age.  I get up with the baby and my husband usually wakes up with the 2 year old (who does still go through periods of waking).

During my typical day, I am literally with the kids all day long, and there is no downtime because my son doesn’t nap and is at an age and developmental stage where he craves lots and lots of social interaction with me and with other children. I try to have “quiet time” for him in his room, and sometimes he plays quietly for a while, sometimes for 5-10 minutes here or there, and occasionally for 20 min or so, but mostly he wants to run around wildly and stay busy and engaged with me or with someone else. Most days, I take my son either an educational activity or a friends’ house or the park or we have a friend over.  Throughout the day I have to remain hypervigilant when both children are together (whenever the baby is awake) because my 2 year old, although well meaning, tends to be rough with her and I have to contstantly prevent him from being too rough and try to teach him to be gentle. During the times when she is awake, I can literally do nothing besides supervise both children intensively. There is no turning my back to throw in a load of laundry or do dishes. I have a few places I can put her where she is still close to me and he can’t reach her — but she gets bored after a while and cries to be moved.

Most days I make a hot breakfast and hot dinner for my husband, and sometimes he comes home for lunch and I make a hot lunch (or heat up leftovers).

My husband is — definitely — and involved dad, and i’m really grateful. He chose a lesser paying job a couple of years ago so he could be closer to home when our son was born. He helps get our son dressed in the morning and most nights helps bathe him and put him to bed. He also helps with dishes and laundary quite often, although he used to complain that he was only helping because I was doing an inadequate job, he’s generally stopped complaining so much and it’s started to sink in a bit more how busy things are.   

Even though my husband has taken a job that pays less and is closer to home, he has still gotten to travel internationally quite a few times since our baby was born (twice in the last 3 months, totallying over 3 weeks of travel) and he has gone on “retreats” with his work to relaxing settings for team events.  I know he was working hard and experiencing jet lag and it wasn’t all roses; however, while he was away, I reached burnout and it was a tipping point for me. I wanted silence, childfree time, time to breath and walk without a stroller like never before. It caused me to realize that i have absolutely no “me time” right now and I think I should do something about it.

On the weekends, my husband usually says he realllly wants family time and is disappointed and tries to make me feel guilty for saying I want to go to the gym or go on a child free walk.  The longest I’m able to get away is about one hour to 90 minutes here or there on the weekend. 

My struggle is that I have no regular “escape” time or time I can count on to rest and recharge.  

I’m wondering whether I’m even being realistic to think that I should try to make something like that happen — and what “the norm” is from other mom’s experiences.

Post # 2
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I feel for you. I have a two and a half, and a one-year-old, I work part-time too, about 20 hours a week. So I end up doing everything since “I have the time.” I am tired usually, I just kind of am on autopilot. But it is easier now because they are starting to play together, so I don’t have to be with them continuously.

I think this kind of tiredness is different, it is not like I just go to bed for 10 hours and it will go away. My only me time is when I walk to work. But the clock is ticking for the babysitter, so I am not slowly walking enjoying the view.

My Hope Is that once my son wenes, I will feel better. I have not had my own body since 2014. I clean, but we eat a lot more microwave food now. 

 

But I do enjoy spending time with them, to think that my older one will go to pre-k next year is sad for me. I’m an older mom, so I I’m kind of more sentimental, if that’s the right word. I am lucky that we can afford me to work part-time vs full time, and I can spend time with our children. I try to remember that. This experience won’t last forever, and I try to remind myself that too.

Miss Mochaccino :  

Post # 3
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Can you propose hiring a sitter to come to give you some “me” time, even if it’s just two hours twice a week? Any relatives willing to come watch the kiddies for an afternoon a week?

Post # 4
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I recently went on a gentle parenting course run by Sarah Ockwell-Smith and she said if we only take away one thing it is the importance for self love. If you don’t get that me time and that opportunity to de-stress away from the children then it’s tricky to take on and support your children through their stresses.

Id definitely push for some me time (that doesn’t involve doing chores) even if it’s just 5-10 minutes a day.

Post # 5
Member
6128 posts
Bee Keeper

Your husband is being a bit of an unsympathetic jerk, isn’t he? Has he ever spent even one entire day alone with the children, trying to eek out an hour or two of work and cook, clean, etc.? Maybe he needs that opportunity to understand where you’re coming from.

In the meantime, how about a babysitter a few hours a week? Does your neighborhood have a babysitting co-op? 

Post # 6
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think at the very least, you deserve a full 4 hours/half day each week completely to yourself to do whatever you want. Go to the gym. Soak in the tub. Watch a movie in bed. See friends. Whatever. And whether you use your husband for childcare during this window of time or a sitter, etc…I think having this time carved out at the same time/day each week would be the start to making a world of difference for you. I don’t have kids, and I was exhausted reading your post. I need a half day away from everyone myself, and you deserve it!! Your husband should be more understanding. He works too, but you bear the brunt of child time. If I were you, I’d be telling your hubby that Friday evenings from 4:00pm – 8:00pm (or whenever) are officially Mommy’s time to do whatever the hell she wants. ALONE. 

Post # 7
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Non napping toddler and bonehead husband. I’m sorry dear,  that’s a terrible combination.  I wish there was some way to make your husband watch the kids all day for a week straight. I feel like nothing else really makes it sink in.

Does your job ever require you to work outside the home?  Could you get him to fill in for you then? 

 

Post # 8
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee

I sent my younger kids to daycare one day a week. I do not remember how much it cost but I do recall that I didn’t give a rat’s ass. It was still not a free day – I did my marketing, doc appts, hair appts, manicure/pedicure, errands and whatever else I needed to squeeze in but at least I was alone. It is VERY busy and VERY stressful but remember it doesn’t last forever. At the time, it seems like it will be your whole life but they grow up. You will get your time back. Even typing this, I am laughing because this was just a few years ago – mid-2000s and my daughter is driving her OWN car now, my son shaves, and the oldest two are grown with kiddos of their own…lol. You WILL get through it.

Post # 9
Member
9466 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Could you hire a babysitter or put the kids in day care for a couple hours a week? When I was little my mom had me go to day care for a few hours a week. I loved it and she got some time for herself. It worked out really well for my family. 

Taking care of yourself is important. It lets you be a better mom for your kids. Maybe you should seek out some literature on this issue for your husband to read so he understands why you need some time just for yourself.

Post # 10
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

I don’t have kids but I’ve helped watch them for family a few times. And holy hell was I tired after four hours a day for a week. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and help you out. I’m not sure how to get him to see it but I mean don’t you need to go to the doctor or anything? I say tell him you need me time and straight up tell him what you told us, the kid doesn’t take a break. You need a break. Or show him this post. 

Also fwiw, I have worked two jobs before, and watching kids was more tiring. Obviously not saying two jobs is easy but man different level of tired. 

Post # 11
Member
47148 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would approach this two different ways.

Sometimes, the parent who works outside the home just doesn’t realize how demanding childcare and homemaking is. I would tell him that we neded to trade responsibilities one weekend day. He can do everything you normally do with the children and any housework or chores.

I would also look at trying to decrease the amount of energy I put into entertaining the children. It’s not going to hurt the baby to be left in the crib or a playpen for a few minutes while you toss in a load of laundry or fold clothes from the dryer. Take the two year old with you and he can help.

My daughter used to love cleaning the bathtub when she was little. She used to climb right in and scrrub the tub while I did the sink and toilet. After she got out, I used the shower to rinse the tub.

There are lots of things we do around the home that we consider work, but kids don’t know the difference between work and play.

Post # 12
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

The mature, adult part of me says you need to get third party intervention. Whether that is a sitter to watch your kids for a few hours a week to give you time off or a therapist to help your husband understand that your personal needs are important to, you need someone objective to help you both through this.

The immature, petty part of me says he can start making all of own meals and doing his own laundry (and whatever chores you do for him) and if he complains, to tell him that he needs to “be more mature about it” and “just get used to doing his own chores during this season”.  No bloody way would I be making an effort to ensure his comfort if he cannot be interested in mine.

Who knows, maybe you can do both.

Post # 13
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

And making you feel guilty for going to the gym is bullshit. You need exercise. Everyone does. 

Post # 14
Member
2525 posts
Sugar bee

Sign up for your local YMCA, most have two hours of free child care every day. My SIL would even just sit in the cafe with her laptop for two hours. From what I remember they don’t change diapers, so you have to stay on site, but you can sit in the hot tub, sauna, take a yoga class, walk on the treadmill, whatever. They give you a pager of sorts to let you know if you’re needed for the kids. It really helped her feel “free,” even though she had to stay on premises. They had enough to do where she didn’t feel trapped, and could decide how she wanted to spend her two hours. They had infant care and care for her toddler. 

It’s an option if you’re willing to pay for a gym anyway.

Post # 15
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Miss Mochaccino :  I’m not a mother yet, but I am a teacher and spend all day with young kids.

Yes, you NEED some ‘me time’ either with other adults or by yourself!! Gyms with childcare are a great option because you’ll get the additional benefit of exercise, and might make some friends with similar schedules or parenting responsibilities if you sign up for classes. Alternatively, if you are financially able, put the kids in day care one day a week and use that as me time. 

It will get easier when your little ones are in school, but that’s still so many years off that I think you need to do something for yourself. 

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