Mom of small kids – husband not understanding need for rest – help!

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 A good friend of mine has two small children and a husband who has a long commute and strange hours, so she is on her own with the kids most of the time. She does exactly what has been suggested by several PP here and has a babysitter come twice a week so she can go to the gym for an hour. She has expressed that although they are always on a tight budget, it’s something she needs to do in order to stay sane and be a good mom, and I think that’s very wise! 

Post # 17
Member
2412 posts
Buzzing bee

 

In order to take care of your family you need to take care of yourself first.  You will be no good to anyone, tired, unhealthy, and depressed.  Time to go to the gym and to rest and unplug is a minimum.  You are human and we all have different needs.  You need some time to yourself.  DONT ASK FOR IT! You are not a child that needs permission, and a man watching his kids should be expected and nothing special.   Say honey, im going to the gym, Ill be back in 2 hours.    My BFF uses this language now and it has totally transformed her relationship in a good way.  

Post # 18
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I feel you. I have twin 1 year olds and am pregnant again and my husband is at work for all of their waking hours. There is no me time and I often feel depressed and am totally burnt out. I agree with the previous poster…don’t ask…just simply tell your husband “I am going here/there” to get some alone time. Being a stay at home mom can feel incredibly isolating and exhausting and it’s hard not having adult interactions. My husband is understanding about my lack of cooking for him thankfully and he helps clean the house. Sometimes you have to be very firm in communicating your needs!! 

Post # 19
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Nanny here smile

What you do is high stress and high energy…not a good combo! Any way you slice it, kids are hard work! 

I was told by my favorite family I nannied that nothing was more important than my sanity. We were transitioning the baby into sleeping in her own crib for naps and it was NOT fun. The mom told me if I was stressed or overwhelmed to leave her in the crib, go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea. Best advice ever! You are never going to make good parenting or household decisions when you are on the brink of a mental breakdown! 

I would advise one of two things or a mixture of both. 

1. Teach your 2 year old to play alone. This is a hard hard skill to learn, but get down to your child’s level and explain you need to take care of sister, do laundry, cook, etc. and he needs to play alone for 10 min. You’d be surprised how much kids understand things like this. Obviously, it’ll be hard at first but he will get better. I’m not kidding, usually the best things for them to play with are things that aren’t toys. No joke, the 2.5 year old I nanny was looking at a vacuum for like 5 straight minutes. And nothing is going to hurt putting the baby down for a minute or two. (I also recommend a baby carrier if you don’t already have one. You can get so much done!) 

2. Leave your husband alone with the kids for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday and write out what tasks you’d do in a regular day. For instance, cook breakfast, make lunch, fold laundry and clean bathroom. Tell him it’s imperative before he tells you anything to do this. 

Hope this helps!

Post # 20
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

Lokie85 :  This is really wise advise!  Not even just for marriage relationships & kids but for friendships etc.  Being tentative about what we need is not conducive to a fair and respectful relationship.  I’m going to try to remember this!

Post # 21
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would go for a weekend away and leave him with the kids. When you get back ask how much laundry he got done and what’s for dinner and when the best time to work would be. 

Post # 22
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

So you have any family around who would watch one or both children for an evening here or there?  Otherwise I think maybe a babysitter, or at least an early preschool program for the 2 year old a couple days per week might be in order.  You could also try splitting up the kids between you and your husband and going somewhere with only one of them, to give you a tiny break.

 I also think you are trying to do too much.  I am a SAHM and my husband cooks dinner every night when he comes home from work while I continue caring for our baby, caring for our pets, and doing other chores.  Then we clean up together so we can do something we enjoy, like going for a walk, getting coffee and driving around, watching a movie, playing a game, etc.  I am lucky to shove a granola bar in my mouth in the morning when I am by myself.  I have no idea how you could prepare 3 hot meals in a day.  That’s awesome but I think maybe you could dial it back?  maybe meal prep on weekends and make some freezer meals?

Post # 23
Member
9121 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have a 3 year old and 7mo old so I can empathize with not getting very much alone time.  I work fulltime and still have to take care of most of the house stuff so I really only get about 1-1.5 hour a day alone after they are in bed about 9pm.  But if I want to go out for a few hours on the weekend I don’t really give my husband a choice, I tell him I’m leaving and let him have the kids.  He also does encourage me to schedule something if I want, like dinner with a friend.  It doesn’t happen that often, but it’s there I guess if I want to take advantage.  I usually feel okay as long as I get my evenings alone 9:00pm-10:30 ish.  I do think it’s crappy he gives you guilt for going to the gym on the weekend.  You should be able to get a couple hours alone on the weekend!

Does your gym have childcare? Can you find one that does.  If I were a SAHM I would be taking advantage of that on site childcare probably 3 days a week at least to work out and take a shower while they are playing and being watched.

Post # 24
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

We have twins (almost 4 months old) and I could not stay home, would go insane, so my hats to you. To answer your question, I absolutely think you do NOT get enough me time or a break at all. An hour once a week is nothing. I stayed with the girls 3 month of maternity leave, and of course now I am with them all weekends, and I will say, for me personally staying at home is MUCH harder than being a working mom. My job is an office job 9-5 so I get plenty of me time to get coffee, lunch, talk to adults etc and while some days we are crazy busy, some days have plenty of down time. Plus the drive back and forth listening to music is relaxing. So my point is, even though your husband is working, he gets more me time and breaks than you staying at home hands down. He should not be making you feel guilty that you want to be alone for a while on weekends – you have been with kids all week it is not like you are missing out on spending time with them (me and DH go on date nights some evenings and weekends even though we both work….and have no issues letting each other have some personal time either). Doing your job 24-7 with nothing to look forward to as far a break is exhausting and draining. I would try and have some serious conversation with your DH about this.

Post # 25
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

livster :  Love it. He dares to tell her to be more mature just because she is asking not to work (and being sahm is work) 24-7 and have some breaks, but he is not mature enough to cook his own breakfast or dinner or do his laundry (btw, who gets a hot breakfast nowdays, hot cup of coffee as running out the door is “hot” breakfast in our house)

Post # 26
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Have you tried carrying her on you like African mamas in the tribes do while they go about their life.But I guess this doesn’t solve the need to watch the two year old too,I really sympathise,gosh it sounds exhausting I don’t know how mothers did it back in the day with no washing machines,vacuum cleaners etc either.

 

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