(Closed) Mom offered to pay for wedding

posted 4 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

All to often there are threads on parents who gave money have high expectations and the couple is left with a wedding they do not want.  Have the wedding you want with what you can afford and avoid the hassle. If your mother wants Hawaii you can ask if instead you go on a vacation together, although you would probably have to interact with your father

Post # 3
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

amm6257:  Most of your thoughts/ideas expressed in your post lean towards, “No, you shouldn’t take their money. Stick to your initial plans.” 

 

“I was always planning on me and my fiance paying for the wedding ourselves.” – Then do just that. Pay for your wedding as initially planned.

“………….we started filling up our savings account again and will have no problem savings what we need by the time of the wedding next year.”

“I am very independent and I really do not like the idea of taking their money.” + “I am scared that taking their money would mean I would be guilted into doing the traditional things with my dad (walking me down the aisle, father daughter dance).” – Then don’t take/accept their money so you can do whatever you want with YOUR money guilt free.

Post # 4
Member
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Having the wedding you want, seems to mean paying for it yourselves. Your parents $$$ has strings attached.

Post # 5
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Money comes with strings.  If you do not want strings attached, simply do what you had originally planned and pay for it yourself.

Post # 6
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Sounds like you already know what you want to do, which is pay for it yourself and have the wedding you want. 

Post # 8
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t do something just because it’s what your mom wants. This is your and your FI’s wedding. If your gut is telling you this isn’t what you want, it’s much easier to walk away from the money now, at the beginning.

Post # 9
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

amm6257: Easiest answer: “Thanks, but not thanks”.

Although if you do think Hawaii sounds like a good idea then could you possibly have a smaller wedding there and pay for flights for the people closest to you?

Post # 10
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have seen so many horror stories on here from parents or in laws that tried to take over the wedding planning since they were paying for part or all of the wedding. It sounds like you have a good plan in place to pay for the wedding you want and your friends can afford to attend. I also did not want to do the traditional dad stuff with my dad, so I can totally understand the reluctance of accpeting a gift that may come with strings you want nothing to do with.

The good news is your mom can still go to Hawaii with that money that you will be kindly declining. 

Post # 11
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Like pp said, money tends to come with strings and I think given the history with your dad in addition to the fact that you and your Fiance are already able to afford the wedding you wanted, it would be a safer bet to go with your original plans. 

Post # 12
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If you want to take the money, then talk to your mom about what it would mean. Maybe informally write it down. What does she expect in return? Where will she promise not to interfere? How will payments be made? Will they give you the money outright, or do you have to ask them for every check? Are their compromises? Maybe they can pay for the alcohol or flowers or something else you don’t mind them having more input in. Then consider what she has said and if you think they will stick to their end of it and if that is what you want. Weddings are large and expensive, even simple ones. My mother is so excited to be planning my wedding, and it means I have to give up a great deal of what I want, but we established expectations ahead of time and it has worked out so far. Your mom may also want to contribute and have the same feeling my mom has. 

As for your maid of honor- perhaps, since you won’t pay for the destination wedding, if you agreed to it, you could pay for the majority of her expenses? 

In short, tred VERY carefully here and trust your gut when it tells you NO. 

Post # 13
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

you can take their money as a gift but ONLY spend the amount YOU have… then if they start giving you trouble you give them their money back and they have nothing to hold over you and your not in debt

 

turning down the offer (on an assumtion of behavior) if its been planned all your life could really hurt them and lead to resentment and issue in your relationship… not worth offending them before they have done anything wrong, just protect yourself by sticking in your own affordable budget (maybe put their money in a good intrest savings account for safe protection)

Post # 14
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I guess I’m lucky! My parents have paid for the whole thing and all they asked for is that it be in a church which we were fine to do. I guess I’ll play the other side here, if you can easily save the money for your dream wedding don’t accept the money! we could never pay for the wedding we wanted in our area so we knew we would need to accept the generous gift. 

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