Post # 1
My dad passed away a couple years ago. Since then my mom has been trying to look ahead and still enjoy her love of travelling and has gone on several cruises with a group of male and female friends. They are great friends and have really taken care of my mom. Some couples some single, about 7 in the group.
For my 30th birthday my mom thought it would be a great gift to invite me on the next 2 week cruise she and the group have booked. We would share a room. All my expenses covered. A great and generous gift!!
The kicker is that Darling Husband is not invited. When I suggested we pay the difference for him my mom quickly answered the ship is 100% booked. He couldn’t come even if we wanted him to… though my mom doesn’t seem disappointed at all. This isn’t a girls only or mother daughter trip. My mom has been planning it with the group since last year and just now has asked if I’d like to tag along. She just assumed Darling Husband wouldn’t want to come (on a 2 week cruise to the tropics in the middle of winter?!?!)
This hits me harder than it might for others because my mom has not always been the most welcoming towards him but over the decade we’ve been together and 5 years we’ve been married the relationship has gotten better. I’ve talked many times about wanting to vacation all together and never got much interest from her.
Darling Husband and I both think I should go- my mom and I will make good memories and it doesn’t seem right to decline based on our hurt feelings since they are already hurt either way. Don’t bite your nose to spite your face or something… But I feel like my mom put me in a tough position and didn’t even think about how he or I would feel about this. Can I be excited about a trip my husband was specifically NOT invited to.
At the same time I feel like bringing up our feelings is being ungrateful, especially if I accept.
What do you think?
Post # 2
PaperCrane: I personally wouldn’t go b/c it’s an intentional attempt to exclude your husband. I’m sure it would be a fun trip and your husband is a very understanding man since he is telling you to go. Again, it just doesn’t sit right with me that your mother intentionally excluded your husband. If it was a girls only trip, then it’s understandable.
Post # 3
Sounds to me like she wants some mom and daughter qaulity time. I think it would be hard to not maker her a 3rd wheel on a cruise with you her and your husband. I think it you will enjoy some time away from him too.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t go. It sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you with money, and I would not be OK with my mother treating my husband like that. Even if he said he wants you to go, he is probably hurt to be treated that way, and I’d rather stand in solidarity to my H.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t go. It’s great that your Darling Husband can be generous enough to encourage you to go even though your mom deliberately excluded him from the trip, but by going, I think you’re sending the wrong signals to your mom that it’s ok for her to exclude your Darling Husband going forward.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t be going because I wouldn’t want to give my mom the impression that intentionally excluding my Darling Husband is ok. Also, two weeks is a long time, that means 2 less weeks I can use to vacation with my Darling Husband. If she wanted to do a girls weekend with you maybe it wouldn’t be such a slight to your husband.
Post # 7
So past issues with your mom and Darling Husband aside, do you think it’s at all possible she just wants some mother/daughter time? I ask because my mom is incredibly roundabout when she wants something. The other day she asked me to come over and cut her hair (I’m a nanny/teacher, not a hair stylist!) and then once I had left texted me she changed her mind, “But you’re still coming over, right?” I’m pretty sure she just wanted to see me, but would never say that.
So before I accuse your mom of being very rude for doing something like this, I just had to ask if maybe she saw an opportunity for a shared room and bonding time and jumped at it.
But either way, I agree you should go. That completely sucks Darling Husband can’t go, but I think it’d be a nice opportunity to spend time with your mom (whether or not that was her intention).
Post # 8
I see nothing wrong with your Mom inviting you to travel with her. Couples don’t have to do everything together, nor does your Mom have to include Darling Husband in every invitation.
My Mom is dead now, but we used to travel to the Seattle Flower Show every year, because she loved flowers and it was a chance for some Mom and Daughter time without my Dad or ex-husband. We shared some great memories and years later laughed about the two drunk sailors who tried to pick us up and argued with each other about which one of them would get stuck with the old one.
Post # 9
PaperCrane: Maybe your mom just wants to spend some quality, alone time with you? Nothing wrong with that.
Post # 10
PaperCrane: I agree with PPs. I lost my dad a year ago and I could totally see my mom doing this. Not so much excluding my husband as just wanting to hang out with her daughter. Enen though it’s a group, I’d still be her buddy. If my husband was there she’d probably feel like a 3rd wheel. I get what you mean by her not being welcoming over the years though. It’s a tough one. I’m a lot more lenient to my mom’s weird things since we lost my dad.
Post # 11
I totally think its as some PPs have said–she just doesn’t wnat to be a third wheel on this vacation she’s been planning for a year.
Post # 12
I don’t see anything wrong with this. If one of my FI’s close relatives wanted to take a trip just the two of them, I’d think of it as a bonding time, in your case some mother-daughter time. If a whole bunch of family members were invited and one of us deliberately snubbed, excluded when other relatives’ spouses were invited that would be different, but I read this as your mom wanting to spend some time just you and her.
Post # 13
I would think nothing of this if your mom invited you on a weekend mother/daughter trip. But this is two weeks – do you have a job with limited vacation time? If I only got 2 or 3 weeks of vacation a year, and my parents invited only me on a 2 week vacation, there is no way I’d use up all or most of my vacation time to spend with them instead of my husband.
Post # 14
my mom does this too, invite me and the kids but not my SO… think its just that she wants a ‘family’ holiday and he is not HER family
Post # 15
Well I don’t know your mom so it’s hard to say really, but if it was my mom doing this I would pack my bags and not even think twice – especially having Darling Husband “blessing”. But my mom is my best friend and I know there wouldn’t be a double meaning behind the invitation. You have lifetime (hopefully) to enjoy vacation with Darling Husband, but limited with mom.
At least that’s my thinking, but again I don’t know your mom or your relationship with her.