mom or fiance who comes first

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: who comes first fiance or mom?
    mom : (10 votes)
    5 %
    fiance : (186 votes)
    95 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1128 posts
    Bumble bee

    soexcited123 :  Fiance.  100%.  I mean I obv don’t think the fiancé should abuse that right, but when a man gets married, his wife becomes his priority.  

    The mom would be a priority to her husband or life partner.

    Post # 4
    Member
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    We both have loving, low drama, self sacrificing moms so we put them first. But if it were any other way I’d insist we put each other first

    Post # 5
    Member
    3223 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    My husband and mom have the same birthday and I’m so thankful he doesn’t make me choose.. Most years we get dinner and celebrate all together. Sometimes we’ll see her at the weekend before/after instead. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    9588 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    spouse, always.  (And by extension fiance–because you need to convince this person you’re going to be a good spouse lol.)  You’re trying to build a family, you can’t do that with someone outside of the family calling the shots.

    That said, in return a good spouse puts the needs of their spouse on equal footing with their own needs.  E.g. even though I expect to come first between me and DH’s mom, I do my best to avoid putting Darling Husband in situations where he has to choose because I know it’d hurt him and I don’t want that.

    Post # 9
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee

    Your choose your spouse to live the rest of your life with. You will wake up next to them for the rest of your life and make decisions that have a major impact on both your lives.

    You do not do these things with a parent. 

    If you’re having trouble with a “strong willed” mother in law or future mother in law, Google “DWIL Nation” and post over there for advice. They’re good with establishing boundaries.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I think in all your examples it doesn’t have to be one way or the other, plenty of room for compromise that would make everyone happy without having to pick one person over the other. 

    I feel like you are trying to hint at who he should love more and are wanting to be validiated by people saying fiancé.

    Post # 11
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee

    Marriage>friendships

    Marriage>mom

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    soexcited123 :  Oh no, having read your past posts about your Fiance and his mom I totally get where you are coming from.

    I don’t think you have a Mother-In-Law problem, I think you have a Fiance problem. We can sit here all day and agree the spouse should come first but when it comes down to it YOUR spouse doesn’t think you should come first and likely he may never come around to feeling that way if it’s so deeply ingrained in him to love mother above all others.

    Its a hard position to be in. I hope it works out for you and he can start being more considerate of your feelings and showing you a little more respect.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6604 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    soexcited123 : I didn’t vote because your examples aren’t what I expected.  Compromise is the solution here.  Yes, the fiance takes precedence in arguments, how to run the house, etc (when agreed upon, of course).  That’s just not MIL’s business at all.  But holidays?  If you’re working on Easter, why can’t he go see his mom?  Or if you have certain hours, the compromise should be that he’s with you for that time and goes to his family when he has another opportunity. If you share a birthday, he should still be able to spend a few hours with her and if it’s a special one (decade or whatever) then maybe yours doesn’t get as much attention that year and you’ll live.  You can’t say it’s “me vs her” in this situation, you need to sit down, discuss and see what’s right for you and your fiance both.

    ETA: reading your updates, I think you aren’t asking the question you really want an answer to.  No one wants a mama’s boy but that’s not the same as spending time with her on special occasions.

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