mom or fiance who comes first

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: who comes first fiance or mom?
    mom : (10 votes)
    5 %
    fiance : (186 votes)
    95 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    3223 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    soexcited123 :  everyone is focusing on your issues because you can’t change the mother. You can dictate she go to therapy or get help. You can’t make her let go. You can change YOURSELF. 

    Jesus, I have this conversation with my first graders daily. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    soexcited123 :  Hi hun I had a relationship end because of this… He was a real mommas boy not in a good way… I know exactly what you are going through and I am truly truly sorry… My ex always choose his mother over anything and everything..  Our engagement was broken and it was a terrible loss for me because i loved him very much… If your fiance isn’t chossing you now he won’t choose you when you’re married.. I do not mean any disrespect or to be mean I just understand 110% I was in your shoes… Do you and fiances mom have the same birthday??? Just curious since you brought that up in your post… 

    Post # 48
    Member
    12102 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    soexcited123 :  My second question is why is it so hard for him to break from his parents so to speak but so easy to put me second like im not as important to him

    Honestly? It should not be like that at this stage. If you really feel that Fiance finds it so easy to put you second, I’d skip the couples therapy and end the relationship.

    Final word on that trip, although I thought Fiance said he wasn’t going to go. Was Future Mother-In-Law rude? Sure. Maybe she thought it was her last chance for a trip with her nuclear family before her son got married. Maybe she didn’t want the extra expense. Maybe it was, just as you suspect rude and intentional. 

    Actually, contrary to what others are saying, I can understand wanting to know her rationale, though you might never get an honest answer. Because if your Future Mother-In-Law really is actively campaigning against you, and Fiance does not stand up to her, you have every right to factor that into whether you ought to marry this man and into this family. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    9808 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    soexcited123 :  Yes, I don’t disagree but from everything I’ve read on your posts, this isn’t the situation with your Fiance. His family hasn’t screwed him over, he loves his family and he loves and is close with his mother. Yes, when you get married you form a new family but that doesn’t mean that your old family is no longer involved or a part of your life. Even if you marry him he’s never going to cut her out of your lives, and that seems to be what would be most ideal for you. 

    I know you are seeing a therapist to get help with this but I feel like you are going to make yourself very miserable for a very long time if you can’t learn to share your Fiance with other people and understand sometimes you won’t come first. 

    I’d also like to remind you that just because you may not come first in some situations, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you aren’t important too. It doesn’t have to be a competition like you’re making it.

    Goodluck with everything, I hope you can find a way to come to some sort of happy median.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1935 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I’m sorry. I totally get this. I’ve had trouble in the opposite way, with my mom not being as welcoming towards my bf (we’re planning on getting engaged and married this year), as I’d like. I’ve had to deal with some guilt trips and uncomfortable conversations because of it. However, I still put my bf “first.” We’re in a bit of a LDR right now, so when he is home, I will spend my time with him. I only get to see him about 6 days a month. But compromise is key here. He often encourages me to do things with my family, even when he is here, because he is understanding. All of this is not to say that I don’t spend quality, individual time with my mom, because I still do.

    My point is this – balancing family and your romantic relationships takes compromise from all parties. It’s likely that not everyone will be happy with the arrangement at all times. In your case, the major difference is that your FI is not compromising. He’s choosing your Future Mother-In-Law over you, despite her obvious desire to exclude you. That’s a problem. It may not be fixable either, especially if your Fiance is not able to recognize there is a problem to begin with. After 6 years together, you shouldn’t be asking yourself why you’re always second place.

    Post # 55
    Member
    12102 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    soexcited123 :  :  “I don’t  have a problem with him being close to his mom my problem is when his mom rudely excludes the women her son lives with and is marrying and my fi acts ok with it.” 

    The bottom line? Like it or not, This is how it is. And this is how Fiance chose to behave despite knowing your feelings. 

    My own philosophy is that what you see is what you are going to get. If he’s like this now, what is more likely to happen? That Fiance and his mother will suddenly turn into two different people and see you and the world differently or that you will experience more of the same? 

    One way or another you are going to have to make a decision. 

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