- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
I’m going to try to make this as short as possible, and just so it’s said I’m very grateful and lucky to have my mom and the support that she has given me. My fiancée and I are getting married this Oct and have 2 young boys, life has not gone along the perfect plan but we are very excited to finally be an officially married couple and that we have waited until we could afford our wedding. Last fall we found our venue & my mom asked if she could come with us to sign and the contract and have lunch with manager. I said of course and told her I would make some dress appointment for the same day so we could look while she was down. (She lives 2 hrs north of us) When I brought up that she said she really wanted to pay for my dress, that it would be very special for her to be able to do that. Day of comes and she cancels, now this isn’t unheard of, I had a very difficult second pregnancy and she had offered to come down a couple times to help with appts and was very late every time. So the next 2 times I was coming up to her town for events I made appts are bridal truck shows and both of those she canceled as well. At that point I just thought maybe she couldn’t really afford to help and didn’t want to say it but I needed to order a dress. My stepmom and dad were in town (from across the country) the next month and asked about dress, I didn’t go into details but told them I still needed one. We went and found the dress, I called my mom and told her and again she said she at least wants to pay of half of it. I told her I really appreciated it but I was just going to go ahead and order it and if she wanted to pay half the amount back or help with something else that would be great.
In February we were just talking on the phone and I told her I was leaving a florists and just said I couldn’t believe how expense they were and I needed to start looking at alt centerpieces. She said I should plan a weekend in April and look at florists by her because they would be cheaper and she would love to pay for them, I have to have flowers, they are so personal and important. I told her I would at least do a bouquet but we can look at florists but we should do it in march as florists were already booking out in Feb. try to make plans, she can’t find a weekend, end of March comes, I bring up I need to find a florists so if you still wanted to go together please let me know, she says ok but makes no plans.
So after this I was talking with my grandma and she asked if my mom has seen my dress, I told her she has seen a picture but no hasn’t come down to see it. My grandma then tells me she really thinks I should make sure my mom feels involved in the planning process, that it’s so special and I’ll really reget it. I’m just like wtf I’m trying. I obviously didn’t say that but I did tell her that I have tried and honestly I’m hurt by my mom and I’m hurt that my wedding day is about if my mom feels included enough or not. That it’s my wedding and I would love to have these memories of planning with my mom but she refuses to show up. Since that conversation my grandma has yet to mention anything to do with the wedding again.
Then today my fiancée asked how he thought it was going to be with my mom and dad and the wedding since they haven’t seen each other in so long. I reminded him of last Christmas when we decided to take the kids to the east coast to spend it with my dad, even though it was their first Christmas since my dad and stepmom can’t see them a lot. My mom then emailed my dad “asking him to remind me to call all of them on Christmas since they have been so involved in my sons life for the last year”. Umm I’ve been living on my own for 10 years, I can remember to call to say merry Christmas. Anyways that “reminds” my fiancée to tell me that in July right after we had our second son my mother called him to tell him that if he leaves me to make sure to let her know first so she can be prepared to be there for me. When he told me she said that it just pushed me over, I know that she loves me, she adores her grandchildren but I’m just like what is wrong with you. And I have such a hard time allowing her to be involved in my life without having basic expectations as show up when you say you will. I don’t care about her not paying for anything, but why say anything about it. I guess that’s what I’m asking, how do I continue without just shutting down but keeping realist expectations?