(Closed) Mom Says I Shouldn't Have A Baby

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 32
7938 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I work full time, but not with 10 hour days and not with a commute as long as yours.  I think your mom has some valid points.  There is nothing wrong with daycare, but I feel like you have to have some kind of balance.  What happens when (not if) your child gets sick and you have to stay home or go pick them up from day care?  You said your husband travels- so that would fall to you.  I think both parents can work full time, but it really helps if one of them has a less demanding job with more flexibility.

Post # 33
257 posts
Helper bee

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@mamadingdong:  I fully intend to put my kids in daycare, as I think it is a huge part of becoming well-adjusted. I hate when kids are so attached to their mothers that kindergarten is like the end of the world, for mother and child. I just meant that 12 hours a day–at that point it seems like the day care is doing the work of raising, and the mother just sleeps in the next room at home.

Post # 34
2285 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I would think a nanny would be more affordable in the long run than daycare. Have you explored that option?

Post # 35
468 posts
Helper bee

@soontobemrsemr:  Unlike some others, I don’t see your situation as impossible.  My mother and father were in a situation very similar to yours.  She worked insane hours including weekends, had a one hour commute each way, and they were dirt poor.  My dad travelled out of town regularly for work.  Somehow, they managed to have two well adjusted kids.  My mom was wildly sucessful in her career, and is now a partner in one of the most prestigious lawfirms in the country.  I never felt like I didn’t get enough time with her.  She never regretted not staying home with us either.  

I liked having a working mother.  It gave me someone to look up to as I grew up.

If you need to make it work, you will make it work.  I was a very unplanned pregancy.  Sometimes stuff happens.  You will figure out a way to juggle all you need to juggle.  Maybe it means you’ll find a job closer to home, or find a great nanny.  Anyway you slice it, if you want kids, somehow it will all work out.  🙂  I’m sure your kids will have a great life no matter what you decide to do.

Post # 36
1332 posts
Bumble bee

Problem 1. You need to cut that commute somehow. An hour each way is horrible. That also sounds like a lot of stress on yourself to juggle work and a home life.

Problem 2. If your husband isn’t going to be able to help much you need support. Do you have family. You can do this on your own but it would be very difficult. A live in nanny should be discussed.

Problem 3. Do you rent or own? Which is cheaper? Do you need to stay in that area? Why do you have 2 car payments? I suggest you take a look at Mr. Money Moustaches blog. I just bought a car for $3800.00. It’s an immaculate 2004 Ford wagon. I expect to get 5-10 years out of it if not more. Plenty of safety features and room for kids when I have them.

Problem 4. Your career path would ONLY turn you into a lobbyist? Which you don’t want anyways?!! I would look at ANY other options.

I don’t think you would be a bad mother. You would be a fantastic mother if you get your priorities in order. The sooner you start preparing the better. I also think while it’s nice that your husband wants kids he needs to reavaluate his situation as well. You are in this together now. 


Post # 37
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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@CookieCreamCakes:  +1


All this.  I know it’s enticing to “have it all”, but really, you can’t do everything and do it well. Cookie’s advice is spot on about ditching the cars, considering a move, etc.  Maybe give yourselves a few years to get in a better place to have children.  I get that a lot of people want children *right now*, but honestly, I would not want to be away from my kids 12 hours a day, run ragged, have no money to do anything, and be stressed constantly.  That would be a really rough existence.  I should say, I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, so I’m probably biased, but I just think that would be so hard on you to keep that up long term.  

Post # 39
4354 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think your work life (either you or your husband’s) would dramatically need to change before having a baby could work, unless of course a family member was willing to babysit for you (retired parent). Most daycares are only open 7am-6pm ish, and even at that I think there is a maximum time per day your child can be under their care but this may vary by country/state.

Being tired from working a demanding job and THEN trying to care for a baby will quickly ruin even the strongest of marriages. I would wait a few more years and see where you both are professionally and then make a decision but most likely something will need to change on the work front unless you brought in a live in nanny to help.

I definitely don’t think this would make you a bad mother, but you probably wouldn’t enjoy being a mother as much as you could.

Post # 40
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

you live and work in the city and still have a 1 hr commute each way?  why have 2 cars if you bought a house in the city? you don’t drive to work do you?  if you two are still young, i’d wait for kids. i mean, you already said the budget is very tight.  do you know how much daycare is in this area? (I’m in PG).  It doesn’t sound like you could afford it with your current budget anyway.  Wait a bit and reevaluate the situation later.

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