(Closed) Mom Sees Nothing Wrong with Illegal Behavior

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
6502 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree that you either need to take legal action or you need to have finally learned a lesson from this. You knew this would happen, and yet you allowed a check for you to be mailed there and weren’t there for weeks. You know the expression, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” An expensive lesson to learn, certainly, and it doesn’t in any way, shape or form make what your mother did okay, but besides taking legal action or getting over it an not allowing her the opportunity to do something like this again, you really don’t have much in terms of options. 

I wouldn’t ever have mail come to her address again, and I wouldn’t even stay with her if you decide to visit again. Keep your distance and don’t allow her to know about the important things going on in your life (the more information she has, the more potential she has to interfere). She must not have access to any of your important documents (meaning you cannot have luggage or a purse around her unattended), any financial information, etc. Think about life as if she weren’t there. How would you have handled the car thing then? Since you cannot depend on her not to take illegal and fraudulent action against you, you must act as though she does not exist – in banking, purchases, mailing, places to stay, travel companions, etc. You need to protect yourself and not allow her any information about you that she could use against you (which is almost anything). I wouldn’t even let her know the date I was leaving or flights I was taking, because she might try to call the airline and cancel. It’s a shame to have to do this, but it’s either guarding everything personal about yourself from her or cutting contact entirely.

Post # 18
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Jesus h christ what the hell did I just read! You poor thing that sounds like absolute hell! The airport story honestly made me want to cry who would do that to their own daughter! I’d honestly put a claim of fraud in against her. She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings so you need to try and stop her from doing this and perhaps police involvement is the only answer. 

Post # 20
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your mother sounds awful bee. I’m so sorry. 

I just cant get over the check thing. Your/her bank should NOT have done that. Most banks (I thought all of them) don’t accept third party checks due to the Patriot Act. That story just rubbed me the wrong way. 

Anyway, If I were you bee, I would separate myself from her. She’s toxic and you don’t deserve to be treated the way you are. 

Post # 21
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

j9marie:  I can sympathize with u, my mother is BPD, OCD and other things

Post # 22
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Overjoyed:  My dad (who I no longer speak to for MANY reasons) has NPD. When I was in high school, he had me open up credit cards and bank accounts using my social and told me it was to start building my credit. He said he would pay the bills. I foolishly believed him, because who would use their child’s social and then not pay any of the bills and destroy their credit? My dad, that’s who. By the time I realized what was happening, it was way too late. I had collections up to my eyeballs. My credit is just finally about to be resolved and mostly repaired, and I’m 30 next year.

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone! You need to figure out how to completely cut her out of at least the financial aspect of your life.

Post # 23
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Overjoyed:  the last update U posted is how I feel 100% when people say things about my mother that I’m aware of, it’s like we want to love them through everything, even when they make it difficult. I just got back from my grandparents house where I had to listen to my grandma and my aunt RIPPING my mother. Everything they said was true and part of me hates my mother for it, but half of me has to defend her, I couldn’t help myself, I noticed I was making excuses for her behavior and defending her but it’s like if I dont, who else will? Idk i have a really hard time with my feelings but everything u said was spot on…I wish things were difference but they’re not and I must accept it or never have a relationship with her and I just can’t do that, even though I should… Sorry if I hijacked.. I just understand Bee 😔

Post # 24
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Overjoyed:  Hey Bee. I know you love your mother – you’ve given EVERYTHING to try and make a relationship with her work, and you’re willing to lose everything to maintain that relationship. You asked my what you would gain from starting a fraud investigation with the bank. My answer is: your relationship with this toxic unstable person. I know it would be heartbreaking to lose the relationship with your own mother, but at the same time, you can’t go through life allowing her to abuse you (and I do believe that stealing from you, causing you to potentially lose your job, etc. are forms of abuse). 

I know that what echomomm was probably very, very difficult to read. But Bee, she’s right about the fact that your mother is not going to change, and it’s going to be up to YOU to set the physical limits. Maybe you don’t cut her out of your life completely, but you DO need to act as if she weren’t around/available/yes – even alive – when it comes to your life, your job, and your finances. Visit her at Christmas, but forfeit the check in the future if you have to. Or hire a lawyer and ask that your mail be sent directly to the lawyer’s office. Look up an old friend from high school and ask if they wouldn’t mind forwarding you a piece of mail that needs to be sent to a US address. Next time your visiting your mom, introduce yourself to her neighbors. If one of them seems trustworthy, ask if they would mind occassionally forwarding you some mail (offer to reiumburse them, and explain that your mentally ill mother can’t be trused to do it). There ARE other options.

Lastly, you said you don’t feel like starting a fraud investigation would have any impact in the long term because your mother “will never have this aha moment of “man, I guess I should stop stealing…” I have a real-life example that might actually be useful to you – I have a friend who is a diagnosed sociopath. He doesn’t experience guilt or empathy in the same way that “normal” people do, but he DOES understand the emotion-fee concept of cause and effect. I once asked him why, if he didn’t experience any emotion, didn’t he go through life raping, murdering, stealing, etc. He said that, while he wouldn’t actually feel any guilt for doing those things, he knew that the law prohibited him from doing so, and that if he were to do anything illegal, he would go to jail – and he knew that he valued his own freedom and didn’t want to live his life in a jail cell. 

While your mom isn’t a sociopath, I think the same principal may apply. If she sees that there are some real legal and emotional consequences to her behavior, you may eventually be able to “teach” her to stop – if only to avoid the negative consequences for herself. She may never think what she’s doing is “wrong” but she may be willing to stop in order to avoid the hassle of going to court again, for example.

No matter what you decide to do Bee, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this situation. It must be devastating. 

Post # 25
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I also have an NPD mother. Don’t try to reason with insanity. Legally get her name off of everything that has anything to do with you. I reccommend this book a lot on the bee, but it has helped me so much I really want other women to know about it. It’s called “will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narccistic mothers” and “you’re not crazy, it’s your mother”. They have a lot of great information on dealing with NPD mothers in the mother daughter relationship context. 

Post # 26
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Overjoyed:  I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I agree with echomomm:  this wasn’t really your mom’s fault, she only did what is in her nature. You know she’s crazy and has stolen from you in the past, continuing to rely on her for anything is only asking for trouble. It’s like the scorpion and the frog fable — why did you expect her not to sting you? If you literally think she has a personality disorder, you shouldn’t trust one year of improved behaviour… a year is nothing and mental disorders don’t just disappear.

There are mail forwarding companies you might’ve been able to use, like this one: https://www.shipito.com Might help you in the future.

I think it’ll help you to take responsibility for this and recognise your own part in what happened. I say this as someone who’s had to go through something similar with my own mom. I don’t allow her in my life in a lot of ways, and I have extricated myself from her in every possible practical, financial, and legal way, but I still love her. I accept her for what she is and don’t expect her to behave differently.

As for what to do about the cheque: don’t speak to your mom about it — again, she only did what is in her nature and chewing her out will not help or change the situation. You might want to write her an email, just to help you process your own feelings (don’t send it for a month…the idea is that you probably won’t ever need to send it). Contact the bank and see what your options are. Then you can decide if you want to move forward with legal actions (if you have recourse) to reclaim the money.

Post # 27
3994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Overjoyed:  Just wanted to offer *hugs*. Relationships with moms are stressful even without the added dynamic of her being unstable. I trust that you’ll do what’s right for you and your own mental and physical health! 

Post # 28
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Awwww Bee.

i have a feeling you’re gonna forfeit the money and in your shoes (I’ve an NDad and I recommend the RBN forums aaaaall the time…) I’d email her back and say something “sure mom thanks for the care package but just get yourself something nice for Christmas, the new year, bday on me!”

Dont emphasize the ‘on me’ part too much.

She won’t send a care package and you’ll be off the hook present wise for a while.

And…hugs Bee.(((((())))))

Post # 29
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I am very sorry about your awful situation. You asked why bother starting an investigation and say you would lose more than the money. But would you? She is unstable. Her behavior is criminal. it sounds like she may be some of your o my family too, and I very much understand not wanting to lose that. But she does not treat you with love. You deserve better than that. This has to be emotionally exhausting even without the scary implications for you job, livelihood, or criminal charges. 

Even if you don’t open an investigation think about setting boundaries, restricting contact. I am sure it is hard to imagine cutting her out but coma indexing how she would make up a scenario to make it even worse, it may have to be all or nothing. But there is a whole lot more that comes with that freedom when she isn’t hanging over you anymore. All the best, bee.

Post # 30
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

If you need a us address, I will volunteer my own. for anything you need. I’m serious. If you ever need anything ever. You need to not ever have her do anything financial for you. I’m not sure I would even continue a relationship with her, but I know how hard it is to cut off your parent. My husband is estranged from his parents on purpose, and it’s still really hard for him. 

Good luck with everything, and i’m serious about the address thing.

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