(Closed) Mom still won't talk to me 6 months after Engagement!

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
4414 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

westgirl1208:  I’m sorry. That is a really shitty position to be in. My question is this: do you want your mom present during this time and at your wedding? If the answer is yes, then I’d say be the bigger person and break the ice. Unfortunately, I doubt her behavior will ever change. You’ll have to decide how much you want your mom in your life and go from there. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.  

Post # 3
46457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

westgirl1208:  It’s hard when our families aren’t like the story book versions. My Dad used to say “you don’t get to choose your relatives”.

I do not think you have anything to apologize for. If family brings up the subject, just tell them that you do not think it is polite to discuss your mother behind her back and you won’t be doing that.

If she didn’t talk to you for 5 months before you made your announcement, her not talking to you for the last 6 months is not much change.

If you want to you could try to keep her in the loop by emailing or texting her some of your plans, without asking for her input or approval.

Then I guess you will have to wait and see what her reaction is.

Family! Who wouldn’t have one?

Post # 4
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It’s okay to cut toxic people out of your life. Make a choice that leads to a healthy life. Don’t attempt to foster a relationship that continues to be hurtful. 

Post # 5
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

westgirl1208:  Manipulative relationships can be so confusing and tormenting. She’s got you right where she wants you and it’s not fair or right. 

I wasn’t clear- did you not tell your mom or count her in your immediately family who you told first? Just want to note that in case I say something that doesn’t make sense or apply to you. 

It really sucks that your mom is this way. I could see it being really hard to decide what to do with her. I think it might really help you to talk to a counselor about it. Sorry to pull the counselor card, I know people do it all the time here, but your situation seems just so messy and I think an outside perspective could be very helpful. It would give you a chance to dedicate some constructive time to figuring out how you can act given the way your mother is and what the best option are for you in your situation. I have no idea what I would do about your family members either. Another thing a counselor can probably help with.  

Post # 6
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Beach

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing with my parents. I haven’t talked to my dad other than holiday text messages in over a year, yet he still expected my fiance to ask for his permission to marry me. 

All I can tell you is what someone told me: tigers don’t change their stripes, and a persons’ first reaction to hearing about your engagement often reflects their true feelings throughout the process. Your mom is likely expecting you to call her first and apologize. It is up to you to decide whether you even want her there. And if not, that’s OK, becuase if she isn’t contributing to it and is only causing you strife, then she should consider herself lucky to be invited.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I’m also dealing with parents that are completely uninvolved in my day-to-day life but expect the world when it comes to wedding news.

Post # 7
103 posts
Blushing bee

This reminds me of both of my parents. It sounds like her presence in your life only brings negativity.. I would just ignore her the same way she’s ignoring you, but still invite her to events for your wedding out of respect. Im sure she’ll eventually contact you since you seem to be her light in the darkness. 

Post # 8
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

westgirl1208:  I have just gone through some pretty awful family stuff on my FI’s side, so i’ll give you the advice I gave him. No one has the right to be in your life if they have no positive influence and they only bring you down, no matter who they are. No one has the right to act any way they like without consequence, especially if that behaviour is hurtful to others.

It doesn’t matter how closely related you are, there comes a point in your life where you need to do what’s right for you. It is no one elses place to tell you how to handle this situation. Yes, she might be your mother but she is not acting like one. A mothers role is to love, support, nurture and cherish her children and she is clearly not providing that for you so you are under no obligation to show her the same courtesy if it is too hurtful for you.

Listen to your heart rather than what other people say. It’s totally up to you how you handle this, but you are not obliged to chain yourself to that kind of emotional rollercoaster for the rest of your life if you don’t want to.

Post # 9
10 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Caroline Cellars Winery

Biologically she’s your mother.  Nothing more. I recommend you read the book Mothers Who Can’t Love.

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